Hey, just finished this story to date. I think I remember starting this back when you first posted the early chapters, but I couldn't really get into it. (Didn't it have an odd colour scheme, and no quote marks or something?!) Needless to say, it's transformed beyond all recognition. Much of the latter stuff is really good, and the redrafted earlier bits are way more readable.
One thing to work on... a few of the conversations seem to end really suddenly. Like they're mid-chat, then one suddenly says, "Okay, good luck with that. Bye." or "This meeting is over. Bye!" And it feels almost comically abrupt. Maybe you could try to let conversations die down, fizzle out. Or just cut away to something else, and let the ending be implied. Or an interruption. Anything to avoid these rude-seeming characters!
And one more thing. Might be worth thinking a few chapters ahead. That way you can avoid deus ex machina moments (really improbable big things that come from nowhere and solve everything).
What I mean is: drop little hints leading up to something big. That way when the big thing happens the reader suddenly recognises all the little pieces that led up to it and thinks 'cool'. Rather than like 'WHAT? Where did THAT come from?'
An illustration, if I could write Sector 44, very early on I'd have introduced some 'mysterious, cloaked spy satelites' discovered in nearby sectors (very advanced technology, totally unknown, and no-one could figure out who they belonged to). As long as you don't mention Terrans, the reader would likely assume they belonged to the baddies. (You could also suggest the Goner or Paranid to keep people guessing.) But then when the Terrans later mention their secret "spy satelite network", and decide to intervene, it would all suddenly make sense. The Terrans' sudden appearance at the critical moment would seem to logically fit into your whole story, rather than appearing in one chapter and fixing the story.
Anyway, just something to think about. I really like the new part and the hints you've given for the next part look promising. As Aragon Speed said, you seem to have gone up quite a few leagues in writing skill! Keep it up. I'll be reading.
Sector 44 (last updated 26th of July 2008)
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Syndrome
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Thanks for that info. I think one of the reasons for the lack of building up to things is that quite often when I'm writing my course changes abruptly because I think of other, better ways to do things. My friends tell me I've got a good imaginationThe Zig wrote:Hey, just finished this story to date. I think I remember starting this back when you first posted the early chapters, but I couldn't really get into it. (Didn't it have an odd colour scheme, and no quote marks or something?!) Needless to say, it's transformed beyond all recognition. Much of the latter stuff is really good, and the redrafted earlier bits are way more readable.
One thing to work on... a few of the conversations seem to end really suddenly. Like they're mid-chat, then one suddenly says, "Okay, good luck with that. Bye." or "This meeting is over. Bye!" And it feels almost comically abrupt. Maybe you could try to let conversations die down, fizzle out. Or just cut away to something else, and let the ending be implied. Or an interruption. Anything to avoid these rude-seeming characters!
And one more thing. Might be worth thinking a few chapters ahead. That way you can avoid deus ex machina moments (really improbable big things that come from nowhere and solve everything).
What I mean is: drop little hints leading up to something big. That way when the big thing happens the reader suddenly recognises all the little pieces that led up to it and thinks 'cool'. Rather than like 'WHAT? Where did THAT come from?'
An illustration, if I could write Sector 44, very early on I'd have introduced some 'mysterious, cloaked spy satelites' discovered in nearby sectors (very advanced technology, totally unknown, and no-one could figure out who they belonged to). As long as you don't mention Terrans, the reader would likely assume they belonged to the baddies. (You could also suggest the Goner or Paranid to keep people guessing.) But then when the Terrans later mention their secret "spy satelite network", and decide to intervene, it would all suddenly make sense. The Terrans' sudden appearance at the critical moment would seem to logically fit into your whole story, rather than appearing in one chapter and fixing the story.
Anyway, just something to think about. I really like the new part and the hints you've given for the next part look promising. As Aragon Speed said, you seem to have gone up quite a few leagues in writing skill! Keep it up. I'll be reading.
But you're right. I'll try to build up to events more. I'll also work on my conversation situations. There always seemed something not right about them for me, but now you just shone more light on the subject I've had a delay in my writing so it might be a little longer for my next chapter.
Seya
Syndrome
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Syndrome
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Next installment. Feedback is always welcome 
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The next few days’ news articles really left out the importance of the Terran’s effort, placing the Argon’s Black Hole Sun effort above it. The Illustrious was back docked at in Argon Prime undergoing minor repairs, while the Herra was back to minimal crew while undergoing major repairs on the shipyard in Omicron Lyrae. From the crew’s perspective, they didn’t mind it one bit, although many were mourning the deaths of their fellow crew mates who died in the torpedo blast. A total of five hundred odd had turned up to their memorial service that was held on the planet.
That battle was the first real full scale capital ship to capital ship encounter that Jo had been involved in. It certainly was a lot more involved and exciting than plain fighter dogfights, but, under certain circumstances, it could also be a lot more dangerous. That just made Jo’s fighting skills stronger in the situation, though.
There were, in reality, very few of the Herra’s crew actually doing anything while it got repaired. This gave some an unnegotiable opportunity to do work in other areas than their standard profession, but most were taking time off. After all, it’s a full time job, being part of an M1’s crew and the word ‘demanding’ doesn’t do it justice.
Melissa had just received her new Centaur, though, and this kept a massive smile on her face for the next few days. She was relaxing on her ship wondering about where she was going to go from there. Would she hire some more crew and continue her military life, or was taking the mercenary path more, not necessarily exiting, but perhaps suitable for herself.
The Centaur was docked at the shipyard with all its crew, or, what was left of it, doing work on the Herra. Melissa was sitting on her captain’s chair all alone. She was very tired and stressed, even if the arrival of her Centaur cheered her up a little. From the outside, it looked like a normal, everyday military Centaur docked at a shipyard. On the inside, however, it was completely deserted. The only excuse to keep life support on was Melissa, sitting, gazing at the stars.
The bridge was only partly lit, giving a very good ghost ship impression. Melissa took a deep breath and was about to sigh when… She spun around, holding her breath. She was sure she heard something directly behind her. Thirty seconds of frightening silence followed. Finally, she let her lungs exhale. She ran over to the nearest monitor and turned it on. “Computer, show all security cameras.” Instantly several sub-screens showed corridors and rooms around the ship.
Nothing…or was there…
Deep in the shadows, lurking, waiting; but for what? “Hello.”
Melissa spun around, mentally cursing that she didn’t bring her pistol. Nothing presented itself. Heart pounding; hands trembling; she moved backwards, pressing herself against the wall. In the corner of her eye, a male face appeared in the shadows on the other side of the bridge. “Who are you?” said a stunned Melissa.
“That is not relevant.” The life form moved forward towards Melissa, revealing a mechanical body.
Melissa tried to scream, but she couldn’t. Something was there, blocking her airways.
“You and your people will die, and your pathetic Terran friends will go with you.” It continued to move forward, pushing more fear into Melissa’s veins with every step.
She tried to move; she couldn’t. She tried to scream; she couldn’t. On and on it came towards her, slowly, but surely. “Why are you fearful? It is inevitable that you will die. There is no reason to resist.”
“N – No!” she screamed. Her body was still stuck, like a million hands pulling her back.
Adrenalin took over. Melissa sprinted towards the alien, but then stopped; not meaningfully, but like something was taking over, devouring her nerves into millions of little pieces of fear. The feeling took over again, pushing her back to her doom. The adrenalin that had built up was instantly brought down again. Her legs moved themselves backwards, one by one. The alien came further towards her, quicker than before.
Melissa was pushed up against the control panel by her fear. The alien grabbed her by her neck and threw her straight back into the wall. She slumped down to the floor. She was crippled. Now her fear had been coupled with pain. The alien brought out a gun from it’s arm. Long and powerful, it looked ready to fire. Then, it did. A electro magnetic photon blast impacted on Melissa’s arm. She tried to scream in pain but once again she couldn’t. Again if fired, this time on her torso. She could hardly feel her muscles. They were numb beyond words. One final shot hit her face. Her eyes closed, stunned by the blast. She couldn’t move, she started to feel life losing its grip on her. She drifted away, helpless to the evil that had just overcome her. A brilliant white light devoured everything.
************************************************************************
Tate and Vanessa had just come back from the cinema on the Trading Station. They walked together to Melissa’s quarters on the shipyard. Tate pressed the bell when they arrived. “Hello? It’s us.”
No response. He tried again…no response. “Computer, what is the location of Melissa Bender?”
“Argon Military Centaur Nemesis.”
Tate sighed and rolled his eyes. “Where is Argon Military Centaur Nemesis?”
“Docked at Federal Argon Shipyard, Omicron Lyrae.”
“That’s strange,” muttered Tate. “Th – ”
“Unable to comply.”
“Turn off.”
“Command accepted.”
“Anyway, that’s where she was five hours ago.”
“She does love her ship,” said Vanessa.
“I’m going to check up on her. Maybe something’s happened.”
“I’ll come to.”
“No, it might be – ”
“Don’t worry.” She gave him a wink and gestured to her pistol.
************************************************************************
There she was, lying on the floor, eyes closed. Tate rushed over, Vanessa right behind him. “Melissa?!” said Tate. “I’ll check her pulse.” Tate pressed his pointer and middle finger together on Melissa’s neck. “Weird.”
“What’s weird? She is alive right?”
“Yeah, she’s alive but her pulse is reasonable, she shouldn’t be unconscious. You stay here. I need to get back to the ‘yard to get a stim.”
“Wait. I already got one.” She pulled something out of her back pocket.
“You think of everything don’t you,” said Tate with a smile.
Vanessa pressed the cartridge against Melissa’s neck and pulled the trigger. Slowly, her eyes opened and she began to move. “What – where – that alien!” She jumped up and was about to run to the door before Tate stopped her.
“What alien?”
Melissa franticly related her horrible experience in a flood of words.
“No,” said Vanessa.
“No?”
“You were hallucinating. If you really were hit three times by that gun you would probably be dead, or at least you wouldn’t be able to move.”
“You’re saying I’m crazy?!”
“No, just – ”
“What? Just what?” Vanessa and Tate spun around while Melissa stared in fear of her previous assailant. A face with glowing eyes could be seen in the shadows. Melissa went through the motions again, trying to scream, trying to move, but none of it worked. Tate tried to grab his pistol, Vanessa likewise, but there was nothing there. “Looking for this?” said the mechanical voice as it held up two blasters. The feeling now took over Tate and Vanessa. Fear crept in, overtaking every other sense. The alien moved towards the trio, much like it had to Melissa.
If anyone had any strength in the situation, it was Tate. His instincts took over. He stood up straight and moved likewise towards the alien. At first, his target acted surprised, but then it stopped, even moving back. “You have no chance,” said the alien. Fear now crept up on its face.
“I have no chance of what?” said Tate tauntingly. “Actually, you’re right, I’ve got no chance of not finding out who you really are.” Tate was actually very scared, but he knew well enough not to show it.
“Don’t come any closer!”
“Fine I won’t. In fact, I dare you to shoot me.” Tate didn’t know wether that was a good idea but there was no going back now.
“You wouldn’t want me to do that,” replied the alien, a sinister smile growing back on its face.
“But, of course, you don’t care what I want you to do anyway.”
“You are correct.” The alien looked downwards for a split second, which gave Tate the opportunity he needed. He lunged forward bracing for impact…but there was none. He looked back behind his shoulder…there was nothing.
Tate picked himself up and looked at the other two standing awestruck on the other side of the room. Their mouths were gaping, their hands still trembling. Tate knew even in a situation like this that Melissa and Vanessa shouldn’t have been this frightened. He grabbed them both by the arm and shook gently. “You two, it’s over now.” There was no response. Tate sighed half in annoyance half in concern. “Computer, transport to shipyard, medical section.”
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I don't think that last bit counts as an 'abrupt conversation ending' but I could be wrong. Can someone please clarify this?
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The next few days’ news articles really left out the importance of the Terran’s effort, placing the Argon’s Black Hole Sun effort above it. The Illustrious was back docked at in Argon Prime undergoing minor repairs, while the Herra was back to minimal crew while undergoing major repairs on the shipyard in Omicron Lyrae. From the crew’s perspective, they didn’t mind it one bit, although many were mourning the deaths of their fellow crew mates who died in the torpedo blast. A total of five hundred odd had turned up to their memorial service that was held on the planet.
That battle was the first real full scale capital ship to capital ship encounter that Jo had been involved in. It certainly was a lot more involved and exciting than plain fighter dogfights, but, under certain circumstances, it could also be a lot more dangerous. That just made Jo’s fighting skills stronger in the situation, though.
There were, in reality, very few of the Herra’s crew actually doing anything while it got repaired. This gave some an unnegotiable opportunity to do work in other areas than their standard profession, but most were taking time off. After all, it’s a full time job, being part of an M1’s crew and the word ‘demanding’ doesn’t do it justice.
Melissa had just received her new Centaur, though, and this kept a massive smile on her face for the next few days. She was relaxing on her ship wondering about where she was going to go from there. Would she hire some more crew and continue her military life, or was taking the mercenary path more, not necessarily exiting, but perhaps suitable for herself.
The Centaur was docked at the shipyard with all its crew, or, what was left of it, doing work on the Herra. Melissa was sitting on her captain’s chair all alone. She was very tired and stressed, even if the arrival of her Centaur cheered her up a little. From the outside, it looked like a normal, everyday military Centaur docked at a shipyard. On the inside, however, it was completely deserted. The only excuse to keep life support on was Melissa, sitting, gazing at the stars.
The bridge was only partly lit, giving a very good ghost ship impression. Melissa took a deep breath and was about to sigh when… She spun around, holding her breath. She was sure she heard something directly behind her. Thirty seconds of frightening silence followed. Finally, she let her lungs exhale. She ran over to the nearest monitor and turned it on. “Computer, show all security cameras.” Instantly several sub-screens showed corridors and rooms around the ship.
Nothing…or was there…
Deep in the shadows, lurking, waiting; but for what? “Hello.”
Melissa spun around, mentally cursing that she didn’t bring her pistol. Nothing presented itself. Heart pounding; hands trembling; she moved backwards, pressing herself against the wall. In the corner of her eye, a male face appeared in the shadows on the other side of the bridge. “Who are you?” said a stunned Melissa.
“That is not relevant.” The life form moved forward towards Melissa, revealing a mechanical body.
Melissa tried to scream, but she couldn’t. Something was there, blocking her airways.
“You and your people will die, and your pathetic Terran friends will go with you.” It continued to move forward, pushing more fear into Melissa’s veins with every step.
She tried to move; she couldn’t. She tried to scream; she couldn’t. On and on it came towards her, slowly, but surely. “Why are you fearful? It is inevitable that you will die. There is no reason to resist.”
“N – No!” she screamed. Her body was still stuck, like a million hands pulling her back.
Adrenalin took over. Melissa sprinted towards the alien, but then stopped; not meaningfully, but like something was taking over, devouring her nerves into millions of little pieces of fear. The feeling took over again, pushing her back to her doom. The adrenalin that had built up was instantly brought down again. Her legs moved themselves backwards, one by one. The alien came further towards her, quicker than before.
Melissa was pushed up against the control panel by her fear. The alien grabbed her by her neck and threw her straight back into the wall. She slumped down to the floor. She was crippled. Now her fear had been coupled with pain. The alien brought out a gun from it’s arm. Long and powerful, it looked ready to fire. Then, it did. A electro magnetic photon blast impacted on Melissa’s arm. She tried to scream in pain but once again she couldn’t. Again if fired, this time on her torso. She could hardly feel her muscles. They were numb beyond words. One final shot hit her face. Her eyes closed, stunned by the blast. She couldn’t move, she started to feel life losing its grip on her. She drifted away, helpless to the evil that had just overcome her. A brilliant white light devoured everything.
************************************************************************
Tate and Vanessa had just come back from the cinema on the Trading Station. They walked together to Melissa’s quarters on the shipyard. Tate pressed the bell when they arrived. “Hello? It’s us.”
No response. He tried again…no response. “Computer, what is the location of Melissa Bender?”
“Argon Military Centaur Nemesis.”
Tate sighed and rolled his eyes. “Where is Argon Military Centaur Nemesis?”
“Docked at Federal Argon Shipyard, Omicron Lyrae.”
“That’s strange,” muttered Tate. “Th – ”
“Unable to comply.”
“Turn off.”
“Command accepted.”
“Anyway, that’s where she was five hours ago.”
“She does love her ship,” said Vanessa.
“I’m going to check up on her. Maybe something’s happened.”
“I’ll come to.”
“No, it might be – ”
“Don’t worry.” She gave him a wink and gestured to her pistol.
************************************************************************
There she was, lying on the floor, eyes closed. Tate rushed over, Vanessa right behind him. “Melissa?!” said Tate. “I’ll check her pulse.” Tate pressed his pointer and middle finger together on Melissa’s neck. “Weird.”
“What’s weird? She is alive right?”
“Yeah, she’s alive but her pulse is reasonable, she shouldn’t be unconscious. You stay here. I need to get back to the ‘yard to get a stim.”
“Wait. I already got one.” She pulled something out of her back pocket.
“You think of everything don’t you,” said Tate with a smile.
Vanessa pressed the cartridge against Melissa’s neck and pulled the trigger. Slowly, her eyes opened and she began to move. “What – where – that alien!” She jumped up and was about to run to the door before Tate stopped her.
“What alien?”
Melissa franticly related her horrible experience in a flood of words.
“No,” said Vanessa.
“No?”
“You were hallucinating. If you really were hit three times by that gun you would probably be dead, or at least you wouldn’t be able to move.”
“You’re saying I’m crazy?!”
“No, just – ”
“What? Just what?” Vanessa and Tate spun around while Melissa stared in fear of her previous assailant. A face with glowing eyes could be seen in the shadows. Melissa went through the motions again, trying to scream, trying to move, but none of it worked. Tate tried to grab his pistol, Vanessa likewise, but there was nothing there. “Looking for this?” said the mechanical voice as it held up two blasters. The feeling now took over Tate and Vanessa. Fear crept in, overtaking every other sense. The alien moved towards the trio, much like it had to Melissa.
If anyone had any strength in the situation, it was Tate. His instincts took over. He stood up straight and moved likewise towards the alien. At first, his target acted surprised, but then it stopped, even moving back. “You have no chance,” said the alien. Fear now crept up on its face.
“I have no chance of what?” said Tate tauntingly. “Actually, you’re right, I’ve got no chance of not finding out who you really are.” Tate was actually very scared, but he knew well enough not to show it.
“Don’t come any closer!”
“Fine I won’t. In fact, I dare you to shoot me.” Tate didn’t know wether that was a good idea but there was no going back now.
“You wouldn’t want me to do that,” replied the alien, a sinister smile growing back on its face.
“But, of course, you don’t care what I want you to do anyway.”
“You are correct.” The alien looked downwards for a split second, which gave Tate the opportunity he needed. He lunged forward bracing for impact…but there was none. He looked back behind his shoulder…there was nothing.
Tate picked himself up and looked at the other two standing awestruck on the other side of the room. Their mouths were gaping, their hands still trembling. Tate knew even in a situation like this that Melissa and Vanessa shouldn’t have been this frightened. He grabbed them both by the arm and shook gently. “You two, it’s over now.” There was no response. Tate sighed half in annoyance half in concern. “Computer, transport to shipyard, medical section.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't think that last bit counts as an 'abrupt conversation ending' but I could be wrong. Can someone please clarify this?
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jackhanna88
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Syndrome
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The Zig
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Hey! I didn't spot this update till now!
Cool part... wonder what's going on on that ship...
Now... who is this fighter-pilot-ace Jo who's appeared in your story all of a sudden!?! You better not be nicking one of my characters!!!
Cool part... wonder what's going on on that ship...
Nah, that seemed to flow well. I've PMed you btw.I don't think that last bit counts as an 'abrupt conversation ending' but I could be wrong. Can someone please clarify this?
Now... who is this fighter-pilot-ace Jo who's appeared in your story all of a sudden!?! You better not be nicking one of my characters!!!
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jackhanna88
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Syndrome
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I'd be happy to sync our stories but if not then he's just another guy off the Argon Prime training simsThe Zig wrote:Now... who is this fighter-pilot-ace Jo who's appeared in your story all of a sudden!?! You better not be nicking one of my characters!!!
Have no fear, Syndrome is herejackhanna88 wrote:Just a brief description of what it'd be like to walk around on the ship - perhaps what sort of rooms there are, something like that.
I've got it in mind. Next chapter...-
SOTS
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I guess it would also depend on how large you/Syndrome imagine a Centaur to be. For instance, in my story, a Centaur is crewed by 60 officers. So you'd need at least 30 crew quarters, a mess hall, infirmary, dedicated engineering spaces and accessways and corridors between them all.
My two cents, anyway.
My two cents, anyway.
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Syndrome
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I look at the scale of ships by ejecting myself in X3 and flying up really close to the side of the ship. It gives me a very realistic idea of the scale of ships.
For example, an M5/M4 would be about the size of a heavy fighter jet and an M3 would be in between that and something the size of the B2 stealth bomber. An Argon Collosus would be about the size of two nuclear aircraft carriers in volume, while in dimentions it would be roughly the same or possibly slightly bigger.
I imagine an average M6 to be crewed by about thirty crew maximum. Sixty is a bit to crowded for me SOTS Imagine all the money needed to pay for all those unnescessary crew members.
For example, an M5/M4 would be about the size of a heavy fighter jet and an M3 would be in between that and something the size of the B2 stealth bomber. An Argon Collosus would be about the size of two nuclear aircraft carriers in volume, while in dimentions it would be roughly the same or possibly slightly bigger.
I imagine an average M6 to be crewed by about thirty crew maximum. Sixty is a bit to crowded for me SOTS
Imagine all the money needed to pay for all those unnescessary crew members.-
Syndrome
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Here's the next highly anticipated chapter 
Good read? Bad read? In between read?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Black. It was an unpleasant colour, or rather, lack of one. It was what was engulfing Vanessa’s vision right now. She was not asleep, but not awake either. Slowly, but surely, colours started entering her line of sight. First a touch of grey, then it grew brighter, into more pure light. A line opened itself up horizontally, then it was parted downwards by tiny little hairs. At last, her eyes fully opened, revealing Tate standing over her, holding her hand.
She groaned and slowly tried to get up.
“You’re awake,” said Tate with a smile of relief.
“What – what happened?”
“You’ve been out cold for five hours.”
Vanessa finally sat up straight and looked to her left, where a male doctor was taking readings on a dormant Melissa. “How is…”
“She’s…well, she’s a little different.”
“What happened?”
“Same as what happened to you as far as we know, it’s just that she’s still there now.”
A look of concern grew on Vanessa’s face.
“She’s not in a coma, but her brainwaves are a bit – you know – messed up. She’s been exposed to a gas that causes hallucinations for a long period of time.”
“What about the Centaur?”
“I think that’s where the gas come from so I’ve undocked it and sealed it off. It’s drifting about thirty kilometres towards the planet, from here that is.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’ve ordered a probe so we can investigate but they’re hard to come by. It might be a while before one gets here.”
The doctor that had been standing over Melissa came over to the pair clutching a clipboard to his chest. “Mr Wessler, I have good news.”
“Oh?”
“Melissa’s body and brain has completely corrected itself, with a bit of help. I’ve run scan over scan and I can’t find anything out of the ordinary.”
“So what’s stopping her from waking up?”
“Well – ”
As almost an instant reply to Tate’s question, Melissa started moving. The trio moved over to her side. Groggily, she raised herself into a sitting position and tried to focus on what was before her, evidently with difficulty. The doctor promptly examined her eyelids, pulling them apart for a better view. “She is now fully conscious,” he said.
“What – aw that hurts.”
“Don’t worry…all done. You seem to be in full working order.”
“How are you feeling?” asked Vanessa.
“Sore; very sore.”
“Theoretically, you shouldn’t be, but that gas in your ship may have had some not-so-desirable effects,” said the doctor.
“Can you give me something for the pain doc?”
The doctor revealed a small cartridge hanging on his semi-pocket. He pressed the sharper end onto Melissa’s arm, painlessly ejecting a few milligrams of liquid instantly into her blood stream. “That should help.”
Melissa sat for the next hour just talking with Tate and Vanessa about what had happened. Eventually, she mustered up the strength to leave the medical centre, but only enough to heap herself into her bed on the Herra and sleep for the next twelve hours.
************************************************************************
There was one universal noise that the whole Argon civilisation had hated for many years. It dated back more than a thousand years in the Terran era, and it’s annoyance had carried on. It was known only as ‘the morning alarm’. It had found it’s way to Melissa’s ears and was inducing more and more rage into her until she finally started hitting the evil object from which it came until it stopped. “Piece of baka,” she muttered.
She tried to get back to sleep but her efforts were vain. She roused herself and threw off the blankets as she sat up. Her eyes wondered over to the clock on the wall showing the Herra’s virtual time. Eleven ‘o clock Argon time! Usually, she would’ve cared, but in her current state of extreme drowsiness, she merely stood up and shrugged.
Most actions other than sleeping in the Herra were discouraged while it was undergoing repairs; so, after showering and getting dressed, she travelled to the shipyard’s massive cafeteria. She knew it was big but she never imagined it to be the size that is was. In fact, if it were not for the fact that Tate was deliberately looking for her, there would be no chance of the two ever finding each other.
“Hey,” yelled Tate over the noise of the crowd.
Melissa looked around and spotted him about twenty metres away walking briskly towards her. “Hi,” she said as he approached within earshot. She was still slightly groggy.
“There’ve been some developments with regards to your ship.”
“Did you manage to get a probe yet?”
“Yes and…” He broke off. “Come sit down.” He gestured to the nearest table.
“I’ll just get my breakfast first,”
Tate was in deep thought. “Huh? Oh. Sure. I’ll just be on this table.”
Melissa returned soon after with a tray. She sat down and took a sip of wheat juice.
“You drink that stuff?” said Tate, screwing his face.
“It’s good for you. Besides, I like the sour grains as they dissolve slowly in your mouth giving you a feeling of – ”
“Please, stop.”
Melissa chuckled.
“Anyway, I’ve checked out your ship with the probe. It arrived overnight. It picked up just what I expected – gas.”
“Poison gas?” said Melissa in between crunches of cereal.
“More or less. It wasn’t deadly, though.”
“It wasn’t deadly, it just made me try to kill myself.”
Tate smiled and raised his eyebrows. “Were you dead?”
Melissa started to laugh as she saw the futility in answering his wry question.
“So did this ‘gas’ have any other effects to me or my ship?”
“To your ship; no. To you, we’re yet to see any further side effects. I’ve vented all of it out into space, and I’ve got thirty odd cleaner droids making sure every nick and cranny is free of any ‘alien’ abnormalities.”
“So what next?”
“I’m not sure. We can wait and see what happens. It seems that every time we recover the aliens hit us again, bringing us back down. I saw how powerful they were first hand. I can’t help feeling that there’s something that’s stopping them from wiping us out completely.”
“Maybe they’re like the Kha’ak. Maybe we’re annoying them.”
“Mm.” Tate scratched his chin in deep thought, staring into space. Seconds of silence followed.
“Well, uh, I should get going then.”
“Yes,” said Tate slowly. “I’ve got some thinking to do.”
Melissa started to stand up. “Well good luck to you, Tate.”
“Thanks. Bye then.” Tate stared into the ground as Melissa walked away, pondering over what to do next.
A sweet, refreshing feeling then found it’s way to Tate as someone kissed him on the cheek. He quickly turned around. “Vanessa,” said Tate with a smile.
“Hiya.” She smiled back and sat down next to Tate.
“What’s up?”
“I just was playing around with your shield experiment.”
“Oh I completely forgot about that. Did you make any progress?”
“I’ve managed to make something that cuts off ten percent of the damage, but it’s still very hard to build in the masses.”
“Interesting. I only got a two percent drop, but that’s only theoretically, of course. We don’t really have anything to test it with. The last few captured fighters we had were destroyed when the hangar collapsed, but they didn’t have any weapons anyway.”
“Yeah, that was a shame. By the way, have you seen Melissa around?”
“She was here just a few – ”
Vanessa’s comm beeped loudly for an urgent call. She answered it, holding it aloft so Tate could hear as well. It was from Jason. “Jason; what’s so urgent?” she asked.
“Van, Tate; I need you down here, fast.”
************************************************************************
The shipyard’s defence section was slightly less lit than normal. The prisoners that were temporarily kept there apparently didn’t need much light, and that kind of thinking was typical of all Argon prison chambers. Jason was halfway through trying to fit his muscular calves into two huge mechanical boots when Tate and Vanessa arrived.
“You right there?” asked Tate in awe.
“Good. You’re here.” He moved over to a monitor to his right, heaving his mechanical boots with him. “An hour ago, one of the cleaner robots’ signal mysteriously vanished.”
“Ooh, a mystery,” said Vanessa mockingly.
“Van, this is serious,” replied Jason, not amused.
“Right. Go on.”
“We sent a technician out to the ship to repair it, but we lost contact about fifteen minutes ago.”
“That is serious,” said Tate.
“Since then we’ve lost all but one of the cleaner droids.” An alarm sounded from the computer panel. “No, make that all the droids. I’ve organised a team of five armoured marines to board the ship. I’m going with them.”
“Can I come?” asked Vanessa.
“Gear up quick then. I think there’s an assassin suit in that locker somewhere,” replied Jason, gesturing to a closet on the opposite wall.
Vanessa walked over and opened the door. Her eyes lit up. “This is perfect. I took two years of ghost assassin training in my teens.”
“You never told me that,” said Tate, confused.
“I also never told you that Senator Mccarthy is my mother.”
“No!” gasped Tate.
“Yeah you’re right.”
“Oh. So I suppose I won’t be coming, eh Jase?”
“Not directly on the ship, no. But I need you to pilot the transport in case something goes wrong.”
“Oh well. It’s better than nothing,” said Tate with a wink.
************************************************************************
Six massive marines sat opposite each other in a military transport. Vanessa had her own seat at the back of the room. Tate’s voice sounded throughout the ship. “We’re approaching the Centaur boys and girl. Prep your equipment.”
It was a truly fear-inspiring sight. Standing at seven feet, these massive armoured marines were covered from head to toe in everything from motor assisted limb movement (it was so heavy they couldn’t do without it) to adrenaline enhancing implants. Their shoulders were gigantic hulks of metal with audible motors every time an arm was moved. Their torso weighed thirty kilograms, and was made up of armour at least two inches thick. Their original hand shape was barely recognizable underneath huge metal gloves. Their groins were just plain big, and their legs were mostly what gave them their height. In their hands they held four foot long guns, which could be interchanged between being a machine gun or a photon rifle. The whole reason they were like this was because Jason had wanted to test out his new marine suit prototype, and as far as the image went, it had passed with flying colours.
Vanessa, on the other hand, was dressed in a sleek, tight fitting outfit designed to keep minimal weight while giving adequate protection. She wielded two electric pistols in holsters, while in her hands was a small, medium calibre photon rifle.
They stood up virtually simultaneously, and started charging their weapons. On the outside, the military transport approached slowly and merged airlocks with the Centaur as it docked. A hissing sound could be heard as the first blast door slowly opened on the transport’s side. The marines raised their weapons, ready for anything that was on the other side. “Ok boys,” said Jason underneath his helmet, “this is it. We’ll – ”
“Shut the door! Shut the door!” yelled Tate over the loudspeaker. Jason instantly hit the control panel with his hand, causing the half open blast door to reverse it’s sequence. “We’ve had a little complication.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now just to give you a better impression of what the marines and Vanessa look like, I've gathered a few bits of concept art.
MARINE:
[ external image ]
VANESSA
[ external image ]
And yes, they are from Starcraft
PS: Don't worry, the Centaur 'description' is in the next chapter.
Good read? Bad read? In between read?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Black. It was an unpleasant colour, or rather, lack of one. It was what was engulfing Vanessa’s vision right now. She was not asleep, but not awake either. Slowly, but surely, colours started entering her line of sight. First a touch of grey, then it grew brighter, into more pure light. A line opened itself up horizontally, then it was parted downwards by tiny little hairs. At last, her eyes fully opened, revealing Tate standing over her, holding her hand.
She groaned and slowly tried to get up.
“You’re awake,” said Tate with a smile of relief.
“What – what happened?”
“You’ve been out cold for five hours.”
Vanessa finally sat up straight and looked to her left, where a male doctor was taking readings on a dormant Melissa. “How is…”
“She’s…well, she’s a little different.”
“What happened?”
“Same as what happened to you as far as we know, it’s just that she’s still there now.”
A look of concern grew on Vanessa’s face.
“She’s not in a coma, but her brainwaves are a bit – you know – messed up. She’s been exposed to a gas that causes hallucinations for a long period of time.”
“What about the Centaur?”
“I think that’s where the gas come from so I’ve undocked it and sealed it off. It’s drifting about thirty kilometres towards the planet, from here that is.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’ve ordered a probe so we can investigate but they’re hard to come by. It might be a while before one gets here.”
The doctor that had been standing over Melissa came over to the pair clutching a clipboard to his chest. “Mr Wessler, I have good news.”
“Oh?”
“Melissa’s body and brain has completely corrected itself, with a bit of help. I’ve run scan over scan and I can’t find anything out of the ordinary.”
“So what’s stopping her from waking up?”
“Well – ”
As almost an instant reply to Tate’s question, Melissa started moving. The trio moved over to her side. Groggily, she raised herself into a sitting position and tried to focus on what was before her, evidently with difficulty. The doctor promptly examined her eyelids, pulling them apart for a better view. “She is now fully conscious,” he said.
“What – aw that hurts.”
“Don’t worry…all done. You seem to be in full working order.”
“How are you feeling?” asked Vanessa.
“Sore; very sore.”
“Theoretically, you shouldn’t be, but that gas in your ship may have had some not-so-desirable effects,” said the doctor.
“Can you give me something for the pain doc?”
The doctor revealed a small cartridge hanging on his semi-pocket. He pressed the sharper end onto Melissa’s arm, painlessly ejecting a few milligrams of liquid instantly into her blood stream. “That should help.”
Melissa sat for the next hour just talking with Tate and Vanessa about what had happened. Eventually, she mustered up the strength to leave the medical centre, but only enough to heap herself into her bed on the Herra and sleep for the next twelve hours.
************************************************************************
There was one universal noise that the whole Argon civilisation had hated for many years. It dated back more than a thousand years in the Terran era, and it’s annoyance had carried on. It was known only as ‘the morning alarm’. It had found it’s way to Melissa’s ears and was inducing more and more rage into her until she finally started hitting the evil object from which it came until it stopped. “Piece of baka,” she muttered.
She tried to get back to sleep but her efforts were vain. She roused herself and threw off the blankets as she sat up. Her eyes wondered over to the clock on the wall showing the Herra’s virtual time. Eleven ‘o clock Argon time! Usually, she would’ve cared, but in her current state of extreme drowsiness, she merely stood up and shrugged.
Most actions other than sleeping in the Herra were discouraged while it was undergoing repairs; so, after showering and getting dressed, she travelled to the shipyard’s massive cafeteria. She knew it was big but she never imagined it to be the size that is was. In fact, if it were not for the fact that Tate was deliberately looking for her, there would be no chance of the two ever finding each other.
“Hey,” yelled Tate over the noise of the crowd.
Melissa looked around and spotted him about twenty metres away walking briskly towards her. “Hi,” she said as he approached within earshot. She was still slightly groggy.
“There’ve been some developments with regards to your ship.”
“Did you manage to get a probe yet?”
“Yes and…” He broke off. “Come sit down.” He gestured to the nearest table.
“I’ll just get my breakfast first,”
Tate was in deep thought. “Huh? Oh. Sure. I’ll just be on this table.”
Melissa returned soon after with a tray. She sat down and took a sip of wheat juice.
“You drink that stuff?” said Tate, screwing his face.
“It’s good for you. Besides, I like the sour grains as they dissolve slowly in your mouth giving you a feeling of – ”
“Please, stop.”
Melissa chuckled.
“Anyway, I’ve checked out your ship with the probe. It arrived overnight. It picked up just what I expected – gas.”
“Poison gas?” said Melissa in between crunches of cereal.
“More or less. It wasn’t deadly, though.”
“It wasn’t deadly, it just made me try to kill myself.”
Tate smiled and raised his eyebrows. “Were you dead?”
Melissa started to laugh as she saw the futility in answering his wry question.
“So did this ‘gas’ have any other effects to me or my ship?”
“To your ship; no. To you, we’re yet to see any further side effects. I’ve vented all of it out into space, and I’ve got thirty odd cleaner droids making sure every nick and cranny is free of any ‘alien’ abnormalities.”
“So what next?”
“I’m not sure. We can wait and see what happens. It seems that every time we recover the aliens hit us again, bringing us back down. I saw how powerful they were first hand. I can’t help feeling that there’s something that’s stopping them from wiping us out completely.”
“Maybe they’re like the Kha’ak. Maybe we’re annoying them.”
“Mm.” Tate scratched his chin in deep thought, staring into space. Seconds of silence followed.
“Well, uh, I should get going then.”
“Yes,” said Tate slowly. “I’ve got some thinking to do.”
Melissa started to stand up. “Well good luck to you, Tate.”
“Thanks. Bye then.” Tate stared into the ground as Melissa walked away, pondering over what to do next.
A sweet, refreshing feeling then found it’s way to Tate as someone kissed him on the cheek. He quickly turned around. “Vanessa,” said Tate with a smile.
“Hiya.” She smiled back and sat down next to Tate.
“What’s up?”
“I just was playing around with your shield experiment.”
“Oh I completely forgot about that. Did you make any progress?”
“I’ve managed to make something that cuts off ten percent of the damage, but it’s still very hard to build in the masses.”
“Interesting. I only got a two percent drop, but that’s only theoretically, of course. We don’t really have anything to test it with. The last few captured fighters we had were destroyed when the hangar collapsed, but they didn’t have any weapons anyway.”
“Yeah, that was a shame. By the way, have you seen Melissa around?”
“She was here just a few – ”
Vanessa’s comm beeped loudly for an urgent call. She answered it, holding it aloft so Tate could hear as well. It was from Jason. “Jason; what’s so urgent?” she asked.
“Van, Tate; I need you down here, fast.”
************************************************************************
The shipyard’s defence section was slightly less lit than normal. The prisoners that were temporarily kept there apparently didn’t need much light, and that kind of thinking was typical of all Argon prison chambers. Jason was halfway through trying to fit his muscular calves into two huge mechanical boots when Tate and Vanessa arrived.
“You right there?” asked Tate in awe.
“Good. You’re here.” He moved over to a monitor to his right, heaving his mechanical boots with him. “An hour ago, one of the cleaner robots’ signal mysteriously vanished.”
“Ooh, a mystery,” said Vanessa mockingly.
“Van, this is serious,” replied Jason, not amused.
“Right. Go on.”
“We sent a technician out to the ship to repair it, but we lost contact about fifteen minutes ago.”
“That is serious,” said Tate.
“Since then we’ve lost all but one of the cleaner droids.” An alarm sounded from the computer panel. “No, make that all the droids. I’ve organised a team of five armoured marines to board the ship. I’m going with them.”
“Can I come?” asked Vanessa.
“Gear up quick then. I think there’s an assassin suit in that locker somewhere,” replied Jason, gesturing to a closet on the opposite wall.
Vanessa walked over and opened the door. Her eyes lit up. “This is perfect. I took two years of ghost assassin training in my teens.”
“You never told me that,” said Tate, confused.
“I also never told you that Senator Mccarthy is my mother.”
“No!” gasped Tate.
“Yeah you’re right.”
“Oh. So I suppose I won’t be coming, eh Jase?”
“Not directly on the ship, no. But I need you to pilot the transport in case something goes wrong.”
“Oh well. It’s better than nothing,” said Tate with a wink.
************************************************************************
Six massive marines sat opposite each other in a military transport. Vanessa had her own seat at the back of the room. Tate’s voice sounded throughout the ship. “We’re approaching the Centaur boys and girl. Prep your equipment.”
It was a truly fear-inspiring sight. Standing at seven feet, these massive armoured marines were covered from head to toe in everything from motor assisted limb movement (it was so heavy they couldn’t do without it) to adrenaline enhancing implants. Their shoulders were gigantic hulks of metal with audible motors every time an arm was moved. Their torso weighed thirty kilograms, and was made up of armour at least two inches thick. Their original hand shape was barely recognizable underneath huge metal gloves. Their groins were just plain big, and their legs were mostly what gave them their height. In their hands they held four foot long guns, which could be interchanged between being a machine gun or a photon rifle. The whole reason they were like this was because Jason had wanted to test out his new marine suit prototype, and as far as the image went, it had passed with flying colours.
Vanessa, on the other hand, was dressed in a sleek, tight fitting outfit designed to keep minimal weight while giving adequate protection. She wielded two electric pistols in holsters, while in her hands was a small, medium calibre photon rifle.
They stood up virtually simultaneously, and started charging their weapons. On the outside, the military transport approached slowly and merged airlocks with the Centaur as it docked. A hissing sound could be heard as the first blast door slowly opened on the transport’s side. The marines raised their weapons, ready for anything that was on the other side. “Ok boys,” said Jason underneath his helmet, “this is it. We’ll – ”
“Shut the door! Shut the door!” yelled Tate over the loudspeaker. Jason instantly hit the control panel with his hand, causing the half open blast door to reverse it’s sequence. “We’ve had a little complication.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now just to give you a better impression of what the marines and Vanessa look like, I've gathered a few bits of concept art.
MARINE:
[ external image ]
![[ external image ]](http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/6641/terranfv2.jpg){kind=link}
VANESSA
[ external image ]
![[ external image ]](http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/8544/6star3qg3.jpg){kind=link}
And yes, they are from Starcraft
PS: Don't worry, the Centaur 'description' is in the next chapter.
Last edited by Syndrome on Sun, 1. Jul 07, 05:34, edited 2 times in total.
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jackhanna88
- Posts: 616
- Joined: Tue, 1. Aug 06, 17:06
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Syndrome
- Posts: 1642
- Joined: Fri, 22. Jul 05, 04:58
jackhanna88 wrote:Good update mate!
One small thing i noticed though:
I think you probably want to put "roused herself", if you mean "got herself up and out of bed". "Aroused" means something slightly different...She aroused herself
Yeah. I'll fix that PS: I tried to clean up the conversations a bit but I've got a feeling it might still be slightly 'abrupt' towards the middle. Any suggestions? I'm not really good at reading my own writings
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The Zig
- Posts: 458
- Joined: Mon, 1. Mar 04, 22:59
Great part! How is it that I'm always looking out for your updates yet I always seem to miss them till, like, days later!?
Anyway, cool part. Good to change the scene of the action now and then, eh? Convos were good as far as I could see. So what are those sneaky aliens up to now?
Cheers all the same!
ps. Could you change it back to she 'aroused herself'?! Having seen that picture link at the bottom, it sounds like quite a scene!! 
pps. Now you've got it as "Groggily, she razed herself", this should be 'raised herself'. 'razed' means, like, 'destroyed, flattened, burned to the ground'.
ppps. Looking forward to the next part! Keep it up dude!
Anyway, cool part. Good to change the scene of the action now and then, eh? Convos were good as far as I could see. So what are those sneaky aliens up to now?
Nice idea, but we're in different time frames. Your Jo is pretty firmly in the X3 patched and bonus packed time frame, whereas mine's a bit earlier, in the interim between X2 and X3. And who's to say what's going to happen to my Jo before the story's out?!I'd be happy to sync our stories but if not then he's just another guy off the Argon Prime training sims
Cheers all the same!
ps. Could you change it back to she 'aroused herself'?! Having seen that picture link at the bottom, it sounds like quite a scene!!
pps. Now you've got it as "Groggily, she razed herself", this should be 'raised herself'. 'razed' means, like, 'destroyed, flattened, burned to the ground'.
ppps. Looking forward to the next part! Keep it up dude!
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Syndrome
- Posts: 1642
- Joined: Fri, 22. Jul 05, 04:58
I changed the 'razed' bit. Thanks Sorry, but there's no chance of me changing it back to 'aroused'
I hope you see this bit fairly quickly
@jackhanna88 sorry but I've kind of gone down a path where I can't put the ship description in. Sorry about the late change of mind. I hope you still enjoy it, though
From now on I'm going to add a quote at the start of a chapter. It might not be on the start of every chapter, though. Some quotes just don't fit
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One cannot subdue a man by holding back his hands. Lasting peace comes not from force.
David Borenstein
Tate’s voice boomed ship wide: “I’ve just picked up a cloaked ship that is docked on the other side of the Centaur. Looks like a small alien transport.”
“If it’s cloaked than how come you can see it?” asked one of the marines.
“It’s only forty meters away for goodness sake. There is a limit to cloaking you know.”
“Lifeforms?” asked Jason, waving his rife. “I want something to shoot.”
“Originally, I didn’t think that you’d be needing those hunks of junk as suits, but I’ve picked up around twenty large hostiles in the Centaur, and forty more on the transport. They are all pretty much the same insectasoids.”
“That’s not like them,” said Vanessa.
“Well, there are also twenty humanoid beings on the alien ship, but the strange thing is, they all differ slightly in size, shape and even DNA.”
“You can scan DNA of life forms on a cloaked ship?”
“Uh, yeah. With a little hacking.”
“With your ‘hacking’ skills can you get us a feed of one of the Centaur’s security cameras so we can get a look at our ‘friends’?” asked Jason.
“Um…got it.”
A hologram lit up behind Vanessa. “Whoa,” she said, plainly. “That is big.”
Jason smiled. “The bigger they come, the harder they fall.” They were looking directly at something that vaguely resembled a super-sized ant, but it still wasn’t very similar. Six legs side by side at the bottom attached to a scaly abdomen held up a seven foot mutant monster. A little further up, two thin arms with sharp claws at the end retracted out of a mammoth sized torso. A thin neck was holding up a flat, oval shaped head with two tentacles, two eyes, and a horrible, slimly mouth. It was wreaking havoc, slashing away at control panels and stabbing Teladianium walls. Soon, though, a small chipset fell from the ceiling as a result of the insect’s slashing. It immediately stopped and picked it up, examining it. It’s mouth moved slightly and, a few seconds after, the chipset that it was holding vanished, transported away.
“What the baka is that?” asked Vanessa. “And what’s it doing?”
“I have no idea,” replied Tate, “but from these DNA readings they’ve been force-grown, probably in the masses.”
“They’ll go to high heaven by the time we’re done with them,” grunted one of the marines.
“Agreed,” said Jason. “Just keep your hand over the transporter button in case anything goes wrong.”
“I will. I’ll have constant audio and I’ll be able to see you from the security cameras that I’ve hacked. Good luck.”
“Ooh this is gonna be fun,” said Jason as he reopened the fist blast door. It slowly opened outwardly, splitting into two and sending steam everywhere with a hissing sound. They walked into the pressure chamber and waited for the first door to close again. Once it did, Jason said, “You ready?” Everyone agreed. “Alright, just follow my lead. Ultimately I want to get to the bridge. Marines, use your ammo. We’ll save the photons for later. I want everyone to cover a side. Make sure nothing can take us by surprise.”
“And don’t step on my toe,” said Vanessa with a wink.
The marines shut their helmets. Jason took a quick glance at everyone and waited for them to nod before pressing the button that would open the second door. It opened substantially quicker than the first, and when it did, Vanessa screamed. “HOLY TERRA!” The alien lunged towards them.
“Open fire!” yelled Jason. Bullets went flying at super accelerated speeds toward the alien, sending it crashing into the wall behind. After a few seconds, all that was left was a large corpse with tiny holes throughout it.
Vanessa gulped. “This might not be as easy as we thought.”
“Stay sharp, then,” said Jason. “This way.” He started walking down the corridor. “The bridge is in this direction.” The marines created a perimeter around the lesser protected Vanessa, always facing outwards. Vanessa was ready with mini grenades if need be.
They made their way about twenty metres before a muffled bang was heard nearby. “What is that?” asked one of the marines. It sounded again, this time louder and more defined. Vanessa suddenly aimed her gun just behind Jason before shooting rapid fire. A ear piecing screech was heard from the alien that was about to take his head off. Its head blew off from the photon blasts and it continued screaming before it abruptly died and slumped to the ground. “Thanks Van,” said Jason.
“It was my pleasure,” she replied.
A little further on they came to an access terminal connected to a door. Vanessa stepped forward. “I know the codes,” she said and promptly punched in some numbers. Nothing happened. “What the – ” Suddenly, the door sped open and the alien behind it lashed out, slashing Vanessa’s torso and sending her flying for metres. The alien, like the others before it, was soon a heap of holy corpse. Jason rushed over to Vanessa’s side. She had been cut just above her chest, barely underneath her neck. “Are you ok?” asked Jason.
Vanessa groaned and felt her cut. Pulling her hand away she saw it was bloody. “I – I should be alright.” She slowly lifted herself up with the help of Jason and another marine.
Just as Vanessa regained her composure, several alien shrieks were heard from either end of the dark corridor. “Oh boy,” said Jason. “Prep yourselves, guys.” The marines fortified themselves , three facing each end of the corridor. More shrieks were heard, and what followed was a painstakingly long silence. Footsteps, or rather, clawsteps echoed through the dark ship. Jason gritted his teeth hard, sweating heavily. Suddenly, they appeared, one after the other on each end. “Open fire!” yelled Jason.
While the bullets went flying, Vanessa had a sudden jolt of pain and collapsed to the ground. Her foot-long wound was hurting more as time went on. She grabbed her medic pack and started tending to it.
“They just keep on coming!” yelled one of the marines over the noise. “I’ll run out of ammo soon!”
“Just hold them off a little longer! Tate, keep your finger on the transporter.”
There was no response.
“Tate? Are you there…”
************************************************************************
Tate had been monitoring their progress through the shipyard. He was sitting on the bridge of the military transport, keeping his eye on dozens of different monitors at once. He was just starting to get relaxed when the ship computer sounded an alarm.
“Alert, unauthorized transport access.”
Tate jumped out of his seat, startled. “Block it!”
“Attempting t – com – emergency shutdown imminent.”
“What?!”
“Five, four, three, two, one, shut down.”
Tate was awestruck. Instantly all the monitors and control panels dimmed and then shut down. Mysteriously, life support and artificial gravity were still active, along with a few lights. Tate grabbed and charged his photon rifle, which had been sitting on the co pilot’s seat. It had a front mounted torch which illuminated the area ahead. He saw light bending and shimmering about four metres in front of him. In a few seconds, his greatest fear was realised.
“Hello again,” said the god-like voice of Trsor. He was again human in appearance, but Tate knew the horrors that lay underneath his skin.
“You…” Tate trembled. “Die!” he yelled as he pulled the trigger on his rifle. A photon charge flew all the way to Trsor’s face, where it stopped in midair a few centimetres away. Tate gasped.
“Likewise,” said Trsor with a nod. The bright photon turned around and, as if resumed from the time-space continuum, shot straight back at Tate’s rifle. It shattered the rifle, singing Tate’s hands and throwing him off balance. Trsor made no attempt to take advantage of the situation. Instead, he smiled in amusement as Tate wobbled uncontrollably until he grabbed a hand-hold in the form of a chair. “I have gained new powers as a reward for my previous achievements, powers that you are helpless against.”
“And what powers are they?”
“The power to control energy!” He raised his hands and shot a bright beam at Tate.
Tate was thrown back against the wall. He slumped to the ground, and winced as his singed skin rubbed on his clothes.
“What – what do you want?” he asked in pain.
“I want you,” Trsor replied, “but in your current state you will simply not do.” He created a sphere of energy and brought it close to Tate. Miraculously, his wounds instantly healed.
“How – did – you…”
“Rise.”
Tate did so, still in awe.
“I have given you a demonstration of my power, and I assure you I would have used it to the full if permitted I was, however, I need you.”
“Why?”
“I sense you feel that we are at peace.”
“Uh – maybe.”
Trsor smiled a sinister smile. “You are wrong.”
“Oh?”
Trsor then created a sphere of energy around Tate, trapping him. It shimmered and hummed. “I will use you as what your race calls ‘insurance’.”
Tate felt helpless. “Where are the others?” he asked.
Trsor remotely activated one of the bridge monitors, showing the marines fighting hard against the insectasoid aliens. Vanessa had a deep gash just under her neck but was still firing off the odd shot from behind the marines. They were being overwhelmed by the aliens, some coming within slashing range.
“You will come with me,” said Trsor.
“But – ” Tate was instantly transported along with Trsor to the corridor where the fighting was. The marines were about fifteen metres away, and this time Tate was glad he was trapped in a force field so as not to be eaten by the aliens that were surrounding him. Vanessa took a quick glance in their direction. “What are you doing here?!” she yelled. Trsor then incinerated the aliens around him with an explosion of energy. Tate’s shield was engulfed, but it stayed put. Alerted to this new threat, more of the insectasoids started running towards Trsor. He promptly killed them as they came. Soon there were none left. Insect limbs littered the corridors as Trsor moved slightly closer to the marines. “Why” asked Vanessa, stunned.
“They were an experiment. They proved to be ineffective, even against your primitive weapons.” Tate had a very gloomy look on his face. Jason held his weapon high and pointed it to Trsor.
“Who are you?” he asked. “Let Tate go!”
“You underestimate my – ”
“NOW!” yelled Jason. There were few seconds of silence. Trsor’s facial expression changed to one of amusement. “That’s it! All marines fire!” Trsor’s ‘skin’ took no visible damage as countless bullets impacted at ultra-high speed on an energy shield that he created. Soon all the marines’ ammo had been exhausted. Jason was struggling to comprehend it all. “Uh – switch to photon blasts.”
Trsor was getting tired of these primitive efforts against him. The smile vanished and was soon replaced by a very sceptic look. Before the marines could even fire off a shot, he shot what looked like a beam of lightning at one of the marines. He dropped to the floor. Vanessa stepped over and looked at the status display on his arm. “He’s dead.”
Trsor chuckled.
“Why – why are you doing this?”
Trsor frowned. “There are two forces in the universe. One is superior in every way, and the other, although divided, can be viewed as one enemy to our cause.”
“The first member of your race was originally Khaak. Is he still alive?”
“Oh yes. He is the most superior in the universe. We obey his commands without question.”
“What would happen, say, if you didn’t obey him?”
“That member would be promptly killed.”
“You mean, if he didn’t escape first.”
“Perhaps; but that would be very difficult. Only those who have orders to enter into enemy space can do so without question.”
“But you, here now, could escape and be part of what your race calls the ‘enemy’, fighting for our side. You would be an invaluable resource.”
“Refrain from speaking foolish words. Your ideas have no logic.”
“Only in your mind. Think outside the square. Think wether your race’s actions are universally fair.”
“I will no longer engage in this discussion. You, female one; you have slightly superior intelligence than the others I have ‘met’.”
“Thanks a lot,” muttered Tate.
Trsor ignored him. “For this I will spare you and your friends, at least for now.” He removed the force field around Tate, who finally managed to bring a smile to his face. Then, he lifted the dead marine in a field of energy. Within a few seconds, he was revived back to life.
Trsor transported himself away, leaving the others in awe. Jason’s mouth was wide open, and he dropped his gun involuntarily. Instantly, a flash of light engulfed everything around the seven humans. They slumped to the ground, unconscious.
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Am I using the same adjectives too repeditively/too much? Because it certainly seems like it to me.
Sorry, but there's no chance of me changing it back to 'aroused' I hope you see this bit fairly quickly
@jackhanna88 sorry but I've kind of gone down a path where I can't put the ship description in. Sorry about the late change of mind. I hope you still enjoy it, though
From now on I'm going to add a quote at the start of a chapter. It might not be on the start of every chapter, though. Some quotes just don't fit
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One cannot subdue a man by holding back his hands. Lasting peace comes not from force.
David Borenstein
Tate’s voice boomed ship wide: “I’ve just picked up a cloaked ship that is docked on the other side of the Centaur. Looks like a small alien transport.”
“If it’s cloaked than how come you can see it?” asked one of the marines.
“It’s only forty meters away for goodness sake. There is a limit to cloaking you know.”
“Lifeforms?” asked Jason, waving his rife. “I want something to shoot.”
“Originally, I didn’t think that you’d be needing those hunks of junk as suits, but I’ve picked up around twenty large hostiles in the Centaur, and forty more on the transport. They are all pretty much the same insectasoids.”
“That’s not like them,” said Vanessa.
“Well, there are also twenty humanoid beings on the alien ship, but the strange thing is, they all differ slightly in size, shape and even DNA.”
“You can scan DNA of life forms on a cloaked ship?”
“Uh, yeah. With a little hacking.”
“With your ‘hacking’ skills can you get us a feed of one of the Centaur’s security cameras so we can get a look at our ‘friends’?” asked Jason.
“Um…got it.”
A hologram lit up behind Vanessa. “Whoa,” she said, plainly. “That is big.”
Jason smiled. “The bigger they come, the harder they fall.” They were looking directly at something that vaguely resembled a super-sized ant, but it still wasn’t very similar. Six legs side by side at the bottom attached to a scaly abdomen held up a seven foot mutant monster. A little further up, two thin arms with sharp claws at the end retracted out of a mammoth sized torso. A thin neck was holding up a flat, oval shaped head with two tentacles, two eyes, and a horrible, slimly mouth. It was wreaking havoc, slashing away at control panels and stabbing Teladianium walls. Soon, though, a small chipset fell from the ceiling as a result of the insect’s slashing. It immediately stopped and picked it up, examining it. It’s mouth moved slightly and, a few seconds after, the chipset that it was holding vanished, transported away.
“What the baka is that?” asked Vanessa. “And what’s it doing?”
“I have no idea,” replied Tate, “but from these DNA readings they’ve been force-grown, probably in the masses.”
“They’ll go to high heaven by the time we’re done with them,” grunted one of the marines.
“Agreed,” said Jason. “Just keep your hand over the transporter button in case anything goes wrong.”
“I will. I’ll have constant audio and I’ll be able to see you from the security cameras that I’ve hacked. Good luck.”
“Ooh this is gonna be fun,” said Jason as he reopened the fist blast door. It slowly opened outwardly, splitting into two and sending steam everywhere with a hissing sound. They walked into the pressure chamber and waited for the first door to close again. Once it did, Jason said, “You ready?” Everyone agreed. “Alright, just follow my lead. Ultimately I want to get to the bridge. Marines, use your ammo. We’ll save the photons for later. I want everyone to cover a side. Make sure nothing can take us by surprise.”
“And don’t step on my toe,” said Vanessa with a wink.
The marines shut their helmets. Jason took a quick glance at everyone and waited for them to nod before pressing the button that would open the second door. It opened substantially quicker than the first, and when it did, Vanessa screamed. “HOLY TERRA!” The alien lunged towards them.
“Open fire!” yelled Jason. Bullets went flying at super accelerated speeds toward the alien, sending it crashing into the wall behind. After a few seconds, all that was left was a large corpse with tiny holes throughout it.
Vanessa gulped. “This might not be as easy as we thought.”
“Stay sharp, then,” said Jason. “This way.” He started walking down the corridor. “The bridge is in this direction.” The marines created a perimeter around the lesser protected Vanessa, always facing outwards. Vanessa was ready with mini grenades if need be.
They made their way about twenty metres before a muffled bang was heard nearby. “What is that?” asked one of the marines. It sounded again, this time louder and more defined. Vanessa suddenly aimed her gun just behind Jason before shooting rapid fire. A ear piecing screech was heard from the alien that was about to take his head off. Its head blew off from the photon blasts and it continued screaming before it abruptly died and slumped to the ground. “Thanks Van,” said Jason.
“It was my pleasure,” she replied.
A little further on they came to an access terminal connected to a door. Vanessa stepped forward. “I know the codes,” she said and promptly punched in some numbers. Nothing happened. “What the – ” Suddenly, the door sped open and the alien behind it lashed out, slashing Vanessa’s torso and sending her flying for metres. The alien, like the others before it, was soon a heap of holy corpse. Jason rushed over to Vanessa’s side. She had been cut just above her chest, barely underneath her neck. “Are you ok?” asked Jason.
Vanessa groaned and felt her cut. Pulling her hand away she saw it was bloody. “I – I should be alright.” She slowly lifted herself up with the help of Jason and another marine.
Just as Vanessa regained her composure, several alien shrieks were heard from either end of the dark corridor. “Oh boy,” said Jason. “Prep yourselves, guys.” The marines fortified themselves , three facing each end of the corridor. More shrieks were heard, and what followed was a painstakingly long silence. Footsteps, or rather, clawsteps echoed through the dark ship. Jason gritted his teeth hard, sweating heavily. Suddenly, they appeared, one after the other on each end. “Open fire!” yelled Jason.
While the bullets went flying, Vanessa had a sudden jolt of pain and collapsed to the ground. Her foot-long wound was hurting more as time went on. She grabbed her medic pack and started tending to it.
“They just keep on coming!” yelled one of the marines over the noise. “I’ll run out of ammo soon!”
“Just hold them off a little longer! Tate, keep your finger on the transporter.”
There was no response.
“Tate? Are you there…”
************************************************************************
Tate had been monitoring their progress through the shipyard. He was sitting on the bridge of the military transport, keeping his eye on dozens of different monitors at once. He was just starting to get relaxed when the ship computer sounded an alarm.
“Alert, unauthorized transport access.”
Tate jumped out of his seat, startled. “Block it!”
“Attempting t – com – emergency shutdown imminent.”
“What?!”
“Five, four, three, two, one, shut down.”
Tate was awestruck. Instantly all the monitors and control panels dimmed and then shut down. Mysteriously, life support and artificial gravity were still active, along with a few lights. Tate grabbed and charged his photon rifle, which had been sitting on the co pilot’s seat. It had a front mounted torch which illuminated the area ahead. He saw light bending and shimmering about four metres in front of him. In a few seconds, his greatest fear was realised.
“Hello again,” said the god-like voice of Trsor. He was again human in appearance, but Tate knew the horrors that lay underneath his skin.
“You…” Tate trembled. “Die!” he yelled as he pulled the trigger on his rifle. A photon charge flew all the way to Trsor’s face, where it stopped in midair a few centimetres away. Tate gasped.
“Likewise,” said Trsor with a nod. The bright photon turned around and, as if resumed from the time-space continuum, shot straight back at Tate’s rifle. It shattered the rifle, singing Tate’s hands and throwing him off balance. Trsor made no attempt to take advantage of the situation. Instead, he smiled in amusement as Tate wobbled uncontrollably until he grabbed a hand-hold in the form of a chair. “I have gained new powers as a reward for my previous achievements, powers that you are helpless against.”
“And what powers are they?”
“The power to control energy!” He raised his hands and shot a bright beam at Tate.
Tate was thrown back against the wall. He slumped to the ground, and winced as his singed skin rubbed on his clothes.
“What – what do you want?” he asked in pain.
“I want you,” Trsor replied, “but in your current state you will simply not do.” He created a sphere of energy and brought it close to Tate. Miraculously, his wounds instantly healed.
“How – did – you…”
“Rise.”
Tate did so, still in awe.
“I have given you a demonstration of my power, and I assure you I would have used it to the full if permitted I was, however, I need you.”
“Why?”
“I sense you feel that we are at peace.”
“Uh – maybe.”
Trsor smiled a sinister smile. “You are wrong.”
“Oh?”
Trsor then created a sphere of energy around Tate, trapping him. It shimmered and hummed. “I will use you as what your race calls ‘insurance’.”
Tate felt helpless. “Where are the others?” he asked.
Trsor remotely activated one of the bridge monitors, showing the marines fighting hard against the insectasoid aliens. Vanessa had a deep gash just under her neck but was still firing off the odd shot from behind the marines. They were being overwhelmed by the aliens, some coming within slashing range.
“You will come with me,” said Trsor.
“But – ” Tate was instantly transported along with Trsor to the corridor where the fighting was. The marines were about fifteen metres away, and this time Tate was glad he was trapped in a force field so as not to be eaten by the aliens that were surrounding him. Vanessa took a quick glance in their direction. “What are you doing here?!” she yelled. Trsor then incinerated the aliens around him with an explosion of energy. Tate’s shield was engulfed, but it stayed put. Alerted to this new threat, more of the insectasoids started running towards Trsor. He promptly killed them as they came. Soon there were none left. Insect limbs littered the corridors as Trsor moved slightly closer to the marines. “Why” asked Vanessa, stunned.
“They were an experiment. They proved to be ineffective, even against your primitive weapons.” Tate had a very gloomy look on his face. Jason held his weapon high and pointed it to Trsor.
“Who are you?” he asked. “Let Tate go!”
“You underestimate my – ”
“NOW!” yelled Jason. There were few seconds of silence. Trsor’s facial expression changed to one of amusement. “That’s it! All marines fire!” Trsor’s ‘skin’ took no visible damage as countless bullets impacted at ultra-high speed on an energy shield that he created. Soon all the marines’ ammo had been exhausted. Jason was struggling to comprehend it all. “Uh – switch to photon blasts.”
Trsor was getting tired of these primitive efforts against him. The smile vanished and was soon replaced by a very sceptic look. Before the marines could even fire off a shot, he shot what looked like a beam of lightning at one of the marines. He dropped to the floor. Vanessa stepped over and looked at the status display on his arm. “He’s dead.”
Trsor chuckled.
“Why – why are you doing this?”
Trsor frowned. “There are two forces in the universe. One is superior in every way, and the other, although divided, can be viewed as one enemy to our cause.”
“The first member of your race was originally Khaak. Is he still alive?”
“Oh yes. He is the most superior in the universe. We obey his commands without question.”
“What would happen, say, if you didn’t obey him?”
“That member would be promptly killed.”
“You mean, if he didn’t escape first.”
“Perhaps; but that would be very difficult. Only those who have orders to enter into enemy space can do so without question.”
“But you, here now, could escape and be part of what your race calls the ‘enemy’, fighting for our side. You would be an invaluable resource.”
“Refrain from speaking foolish words. Your ideas have no logic.”
“Only in your mind. Think outside the square. Think wether your race’s actions are universally fair.”
“I will no longer engage in this discussion. You, female one; you have slightly superior intelligence than the others I have ‘met’.”
“Thanks a lot,” muttered Tate.
Trsor ignored him. “For this I will spare you and your friends, at least for now.” He removed the force field around Tate, who finally managed to bring a smile to his face. Then, he lifted the dead marine in a field of energy. Within a few seconds, he was revived back to life.
Trsor transported himself away, leaving the others in awe. Jason’s mouth was wide open, and he dropped his gun involuntarily. Instantly, a flash of light engulfed everything around the seven humans. They slumped to the ground, unconscious.
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Am I using the same adjectives too repeditively/too much? Because it certainly seems like it to me.
Last edited by Syndrome on Mon, 22. Oct 07, 03:49, edited 1 time in total.
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SOTS
- Posts: 420
- Joined: Sat, 25. Mar 06, 12:52
No, at least not enough to make it obvious. There were a few repetitions, but that's all. Perfectly reasonable, unless you make a habit of eating dictionaries.
Good work, but (biased though I am) I prefer my Parker to your Trsor
Although, I doubt he'd fit in with this story lol.
Moving away from random conceitedness, keep it up!
Good work, but (biased though I am) I prefer my Parker to your Trsor
Although, I doubt he'd fit in with this story lol. Moving away from random conceitedness, keep it up!
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Syndrome
- Posts: 1642
- Joined: Fri, 22. Jul 05, 04:58
Can your parker incinerate dozens of insectasoids in a few seconds with a miraculous blast of energy? NO!SOTS wrote:No, at least not enough to make it obvious. There were a few repetitions, but that's all. Perfectly reasonable, unless you make a habit of eating dictionaries.
Good work, but (biased though I am) I prefer my Parker to your Trsor
Moving away from random conceitedness, keep it up!
This is probably going to turn into a battle where we both give our villian characters more and more power until they both become powerful enough to destroy the universe on their own
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The Zig
- Posts: 458
- Joined: Mon, 1. Mar 04, 22:59
Good part.
Good thinking on Vanessa's part there, gotta try to sway the villain somehow now. Practically speaking, it'd be damn hard to beat him now he's basically a god. Here's hoping the Terran fleet or somebody got a decent anti-deity missile!
Reminds me of that oft-quote Clarke's law that "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
Good thinking on Vanessa's part there, gotta try to sway the villain somehow now. Practically speaking, it'd be damn hard to beat him now he's basically a god. Here's hoping the Terran fleet or somebody got a decent anti-deity missile!
Reminds me of that oft-quote Clarke's law that "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
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Syndrome
- Posts: 1642
- Joined: Fri, 22. Jul 05, 04:58
Ah yes. But is is magic? Or is it a very well concealed way of channeling energy through space?The Zig wrote:Good part.
Good thinking on Vanessa's part there, gotta try to sway the villain somehow now. Practically speaking, it'd be damn hard to beat him now he's basically a god. Here's hoping the Terran fleet or somebody got a decent anti-deity missile!
Reminds me of that oft-quote Clarke's law that "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."