revised
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Captain Melissa Bender sat on the bridge of her M6 "Nemesis" as it was about to enter the jumpgate. "Captain's log, first entry, mission twenty six: Argon Centaur Nemesis is about to enter Unknown Sector 44 along with three Nova escorts. Probes have rendered the sector relatively safe from hostiles. End transmission." Melissa was slim, brown eyes and black hair with dyed red streaks running through it. "All fighter pilots report in," she ordered.
"Alpha one here sir."
"Squad leader here sir."
"Alpha two reporting in."
"Excellent. Follow the Nemesis in through the gate."
"Copy that."
"Move ahead Kim."
"Yes sir."
The ship's engines could be heard powering up over the silence of the bridge. "Entering the gate sir," said Kim, the ship's pilot. The Nemesis got grabbed and shot through the gate and a few seconds later Sector 44 emerged. "Whoa this sector is full of nebula," said Vanessa, the tactical officer. Her comment was echoed throughout the bridge as the entire bridge crew saw the large deposits of coloured nebula. "Scan the sector for anything of interest Vanessa; and Kim take us to the centre of the sector. Nova squad, report."
"All fighters green."
"Sir," said Vanessa, "I'm picking up small mettle fragments lying around the sector. They seem to be high in nividium content and contain some electronics. A current seems to be flowing through them."
"How many of them are there?"
"They're growing in number by the second sir, just appearing in one spot...now, they're, moving."
"What's happening Vanessa?"
"I'm, not, quite sure sir." Suddenly, the hundreds of small mettle pieces shot forward and out of nowhere, plasma bolts started shooting at extremely fast speeds at the Nemesis. "Get us out of here now Kim!" shouted Melissa. "Fighter squadron, cover us."
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I apologize for the short chapters but I don't have that much time to do it.
Sector 44 (last updated 26th of July 2008)
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Syndrome
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Sector 44 (last updated 26th of July 2008)
Last edited by Syndrome on Sat, 26. Jul 08, 13:40, edited 26 times in total.
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dirtbag
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Syndrome
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Syndrome
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Chapter Two
revised
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The plasma bolts were coming seemingly from nowhere in space, but somehow in close vicinity to the moving metal shards, as if they were attached. Vanessa, where are those bolts coming from?"
I don't know sir, I..." The bolts had started to impact on the ship. "I've got several minor hull breaches, attempting to seal them up."
"Order all other personnel aboard the ship to a safe position away from the outside of the ship. How're you going fighter squad?"
"I don't know where to shoot. They seem to be cloaked and...uh oh, I..." Alpha one had crackled out. From the bridge they could see the Nova breaking apart into smaller burning shards. "He didn't eject did he," said Kim. There was no response. "I guess not."
"Shields at twenty one percent sir."
"Can't we outrun them?"
"No sir, they are going about four times our current speed."
"Can we fight them?"
"Negative," said Stern, the ships weapons director. "There are too many of...whatever those things are. And our defence turrets are not hitting their mark of the cloaked ships, even though they appear to be there."
"Sir," said Vanessa, "Shields critical, and our jump-drive has been disabled. Shields gone sir!" The ship was almost to the gate as were the remaining two Novas. Plasma started to hit the unprotected hull and the ship started taking severe damage. Sparks shot out of the consoles in the bridge and personnel were thrown back. "Get us out of here Kim!" Fivehundred metres from the gate the ship stared breaking apart at the rear. One of the Novas took a huge blow strait to its rear and got shot forward as a spinning fire-ball through the gate. Now the Centaur's engines were gone and the ship was on fire fuelled by the internal oxygen. On the bridge was chaos with small fires breaking out and conduits falling down. The single remaining Nova shot through the gate and the Nemesis followed just in time to escape a torpedo missile intended to be its death.
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The plasma bolts were coming seemingly from nowhere in space, but somehow in close vicinity to the moving metal shards, as if they were attached. Vanessa, where are those bolts coming from?"
I don't know sir, I..." The bolts had started to impact on the ship. "I've got several minor hull breaches, attempting to seal them up."
"Order all other personnel aboard the ship to a safe position away from the outside of the ship. How're you going fighter squad?"
"I don't know where to shoot. They seem to be cloaked and...uh oh, I..." Alpha one had crackled out. From the bridge they could see the Nova breaking apart into smaller burning shards. "He didn't eject did he," said Kim. There was no response. "I guess not."
"Shields at twenty one percent sir."
"Can't we outrun them?"
"No sir, they are going about four times our current speed."
"Can we fight them?"
"Negative," said Stern, the ships weapons director. "There are too many of...whatever those things are. And our defence turrets are not hitting their mark of the cloaked ships, even though they appear to be there."
"Sir," said Vanessa, "Shields critical, and our jump-drive has been disabled. Shields gone sir!" The ship was almost to the gate as were the remaining two Novas. Plasma started to hit the unprotected hull and the ship started taking severe damage. Sparks shot out of the consoles in the bridge and personnel were thrown back. "Get us out of here Kim!" Fivehundred metres from the gate the ship stared breaking apart at the rear. One of the Novas took a huge blow strait to its rear and got shot forward as a spinning fire-ball through the gate. Now the Centaur's engines were gone and the ship was on fire fuelled by the internal oxygen. On the bridge was chaos with small fires breaking out and conduits falling down. The single remaining Nova shot through the gate and the Nemesis followed just in time to escape a torpedo missile intended to be its death.
Last edited by Syndrome on Mon, 11. Jun 07, 01:09, edited 3 times in total.
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The_Hypo
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RavenIII
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Syndrome
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Warenwolf
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The length of the chapter doesn't matter - it is their content that countsSyndrome wrote:This is my first book so I was afraid that you might not like it. So this is a relief. I apologize again for the short chapters. I'll try to make them as big as I can. However my clifhangers sometimes require chapter endings.
However don't be afraid to have more than one "cliffhanger" in each chapter...
BTW, you may want to change the title of your story from "Secter 44" to "Sector 44"
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Mercenary
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Hi Syndrome,
No need to worry about chapter length as (already mentioned by Warenwolf) it's content that's important.
A few typos here and there but nothing that can't be fixed. Not sure if you're writing this straight into message window, if you are I'd suggest composing in word first which will highlight any typos which you can then correct and then cut and paste the whole thing into the forum message window.
At this point, as a first stab you show that you have the imagination for a good story which for the moment is the most important thing. Style will improve with practice and time, just a couple of pointers,
First paragraph .. try to avoid subtle ambiguities, now I'm sure we all understand that she was sitting in her chair on the bridge but the first line could be interpreted that she literally just sat down on the bridge (floor or whole thing, she could be a very large woman we don't know at this time) at the moment it entered the jumpgate.
Also I doubt it would be "first log" give it a time date code instead, Question you may ask is; why not a "first log"? well I would imagine the first log would be something along the lines of "Just left space dock, first time out and all systems are fully operational. Let's wind this sucker up and see what she'll do."
Other things to avoid are "Boom! the bolts .." try "the ship resonated to the sudden impact of multiple laser hits"
and "like they were attached" avoid anything that looks vague, the beams either are or are not attached. In the absence of information to the contrary if the mettle (should this be 'metal') shards are the only objects present then any incoming weapons fire will be associated with them.
Next speech is always tricky as there's a number of different ways to say the same thing it's just a matter of getting the flow right and unless someone's making a speech or telling a story then keep it as concise and informative as possible, Naming people is normally dropped unless that person is trying to catch someones attention. As the Captain under is pressure then I think she would expect the entire deck crew to be listening out for her requests and orders. She will say what she wants and someone, the right person (unless they've just died) will respond. But these are just things to consider.
Anyway nicely worked fight with a good level of action, I'll be interested to see how this develops.
No need to worry about chapter length as (already mentioned by Warenwolf) it's content that's important.
A few typos here and there but nothing that can't be fixed. Not sure if you're writing this straight into message window, if you are I'd suggest composing in word first which will highlight any typos which you can then correct and then cut and paste the whole thing into the forum message window.
At this point, as a first stab you show that you have the imagination for a good story which for the moment is the most important thing. Style will improve with practice and time, just a couple of pointers,
First paragraph .. try to avoid subtle ambiguities, now I'm sure we all understand that she was sitting in her chair on the bridge but the first line could be interpreted that she literally just sat down on the bridge (floor or whole thing, she could be a very large woman we don't know at this time) at the moment it entered the jumpgate.
Also I doubt it would be "first log" give it a time date code instead, Question you may ask is; why not a "first log"? well I would imagine the first log would be something along the lines of "Just left space dock, first time out and all systems are fully operational. Let's wind this sucker up and see what she'll do."
Other things to avoid are "Boom! the bolts .." try "the ship resonated to the sudden impact of multiple laser hits"
and "like they were attached" avoid anything that looks vague, the beams either are or are not attached. In the absence of information to the contrary if the mettle (should this be 'metal') shards are the only objects present then any incoming weapons fire will be associated with them.
Next speech is always tricky as there's a number of different ways to say the same thing it's just a matter of getting the flow right and unless someone's making a speech or telling a story then keep it as concise and informative as possible, Naming people is normally dropped unless that person is trying to catch someones attention. As the Captain under is pressure then I think she would expect the entire deck crew to be listening out for her requests and orders. She will say what she wants and someone, the right person (unless they've just died) will respond. But these are just things to consider.
Anyway nicely worked fight with a good level of action, I'll be interested to see how this develops.
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Syndrome
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Syndrome
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revised
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Melissa's eyes opened up slowly and fuzzily. "Where am I?" she said vaguely. A blurred object appeared into her line of site. "She's awake," a far away voice said. "Don't worry; you're on the Argon Colossus "Herra", in Omicron Lyrae."
"What happened, the last thing I remember is my ship being attacked and then the bridge started burning up. There was a jolt and a big light, and then I blacked out." Her vision was coming back now and she identified the voice coming from a doctor across the room. "Your ship, or half of it, is docked at the Equipment Dock for repairs," said the female doctor. "We don't know what attacked you, though. Two of your Nova escorts came through that gate. One came before your M6, in flames. The pilot is in the next room with head and neck injuries, and four broken bones. After your Centaur came through the gate, the Alpha Two Nova escort came through the gate relatively unharmed. The pilot explained all that happened. But we still don't know why the cloaked vessels didn't follow you through the gate into Omicron Lyra."
"My crew, what happened to them?"
"Your bridge crew are all injured, at least with concussions. Unfortunately the nine who were working in the rear of the ship when it broke up are dead. And the four others are still alive and, like your bridge crew, are all injured."
"Will they be alright?"
"Yes, we expect so. The worst injury is by your tactical officer, Commander Vanessa Forge, who is undergoing skull reconstruction, but she should be fine after the operation."
Melissa tried to sit up and felt a pain in her left arm which she now realized was in plaster. "Here, let me help you sit up." The doctor lifted Melissa up into a sitting position.
"Thanks doc. I..." there was a beeping sound from the doctor's commlink.
"Doctor?"
"Yes captain?"
"I think we may have a little more information on the cloaked ships. If she's awake, you might want to escort Captain Bender to the tactical room."
"Certainly sir."
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Melissa's eyes opened up slowly and fuzzily. "Where am I?" she said vaguely. A blurred object appeared into her line of site. "She's awake," a far away voice said. "Don't worry; you're on the Argon Colossus "Herra", in Omicron Lyrae."
"What happened, the last thing I remember is my ship being attacked and then the bridge started burning up. There was a jolt and a big light, and then I blacked out." Her vision was coming back now and she identified the voice coming from a doctor across the room. "Your ship, or half of it, is docked at the Equipment Dock for repairs," said the female doctor. "We don't know what attacked you, though. Two of your Nova escorts came through that gate. One came before your M6, in flames. The pilot is in the next room with head and neck injuries, and four broken bones. After your Centaur came through the gate, the Alpha Two Nova escort came through the gate relatively unharmed. The pilot explained all that happened. But we still don't know why the cloaked vessels didn't follow you through the gate into Omicron Lyra."
"My crew, what happened to them?"
"Your bridge crew are all injured, at least with concussions. Unfortunately the nine who were working in the rear of the ship when it broke up are dead. And the four others are still alive and, like your bridge crew, are all injured."
"Will they be alright?"
"Yes, we expect so. The worst injury is by your tactical officer, Commander Vanessa Forge, who is undergoing skull reconstruction, but she should be fine after the operation."
Melissa tried to sit up and felt a pain in her left arm which she now realized was in plaster. "Here, let me help you sit up." The doctor lifted Melissa up into a sitting position.
"Thanks doc. I..." there was a beeping sound from the doctor's commlink.
"Doctor?"
"Yes captain?"
"I think we may have a little more information on the cloaked ships. If she's awake, you might want to escort Captain Bender to the tactical room."
"Certainly sir."
Last edited by Syndrome on Mon, 11. Jun 07, 01:12, edited 3 times in total.
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RavenIII
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The_Hypo
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Hmmm, I wonder what this new information is, could it be that the metal shards are infact SPACE GERBILS WITH GUNS?! 
*cough* anyway, whatever happened to the tacticals officers head must have been increadably bad to have their skull remade! Oh and i want a look at whats left at the Nemesis pretty please with TWO chrries on top
Bye
*cough* anyway, whatever happened to the tacticals officers head must have been increadably bad to have their skull remade! Oh and i want a look at whats left at the Nemesis pretty please with TWO chrries on top
Bye
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Syndrome
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The_Hypo
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Syndrome
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I thought you were serious about the broken up M6.The_Hypo wrote:Syndrome wrote:What do you mean "a look". It's not like I can give you screenshots.The_Hypo wrote:Oh and i want a look at whats left at the Nemesis pretty please with TWO chrries on top
Well i like to envision what i'm reading ergo "a look"
Dont you envision what you read
Bye
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The_Hypo
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Syndrome
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revised
----------------------
"Well then, we better go," said the doctor when the conversation was over. She helped Melissa up onto her feet. "How are you feeling?"
"I've got a bit of a headache." The doctor moved over the room and picked up a small cartridge. "Try this. It'll ease the pain." She pressed the cartridge against her neck and pulled the small trigger. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. Anyway, we should get going. Oh by the way, my name's Kate, Kate Tricin.
The pair walked through busy corridors and up turbolifts until they reached the tactical room. They were greeted by a tall, well built man with martini eyes and a hair colour that was a cross between brown and blond. There were about twelve others inside the room full of displays and holographic maps. "Greetings," said the captain. "I'm Captain Jacob Forge. And I believe yours is…"
"Melissa Bender of the Argon Centaur Nemesis sir."
"Right. Doctor we'll not be needing you now. Dismissed."
"Yes sir." Kate moved out of the room.
"Now, take a seat." The captain gestured to a small three seated table with a holographic projector in the centre.
"Wessler, come here please." A man immediately looked up from his clipboard and walked to the table. "Sir?"
"Sit down Tate. This is our head tactical officer, Tate Wessler. Tate, this is Captain Melissa Bender." The two shook hands.
"Can you please explain the situation Tate."
Tate straitened up in his seat and began. "We currently have the south gate of Omicron Lyra blockaded as best we can with our immediate fighters. We have no idea why the unknown craft have not entered the system. From your ship's logs we can see that the metal shards have nothing to do at all with the cloaked vessels. They look like unmanned scout ships that were trying to get a better look at your ship and, until they figured you were not hostile, the cloaked fighters would try to illiminate you."
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"Well then, we better go," said the doctor when the conversation was over. She helped Melissa up onto her feet. "How are you feeling?"
"I've got a bit of a headache." The doctor moved over the room and picked up a small cartridge. "Try this. It'll ease the pain." She pressed the cartridge against her neck and pulled the small trigger. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. Anyway, we should get going. Oh by the way, my name's Kate, Kate Tricin.
The pair walked through busy corridors and up turbolifts until they reached the tactical room. They were greeted by a tall, well built man with martini eyes and a hair colour that was a cross between brown and blond. There were about twelve others inside the room full of displays and holographic maps. "Greetings," said the captain. "I'm Captain Jacob Forge. And I believe yours is…"
"Melissa Bender of the Argon Centaur Nemesis sir."
"Right. Doctor we'll not be needing you now. Dismissed."
"Yes sir." Kate moved out of the room.
"Now, take a seat." The captain gestured to a small three seated table with a holographic projector in the centre.
"Wessler, come here please." A man immediately looked up from his clipboard and walked to the table. "Sir?"
"Sit down Tate. This is our head tactical officer, Tate Wessler. Tate, this is Captain Melissa Bender." The two shook hands.
"Can you please explain the situation Tate."
Tate straitened up in his seat and began. "We currently have the south gate of Omicron Lyra blockaded as best we can with our immediate fighters. We have no idea why the unknown craft have not entered the system. From your ship's logs we can see that the metal shards have nothing to do at all with the cloaked vessels. They look like unmanned scout ships that were trying to get a better look at your ship and, until they figured you were not hostile, the cloaked fighters would try to illiminate you."
Last edited by Syndrome on Mon, 11. Jun 07, 01:15, edited 3 times in total.
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RavenIII
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Great, only thing I spotted was...
That's all I could spot, otherwise it's good (I'll have to re-read them again, I've already forgotten what was in the previous chapter (detail wise) )
On Line 4. It should be:She put the pressed the cartridge against her neck and pulled the small trigger.
She pressed the cartridge...
That's all I could spot, otherwise it's good (I'll have to re-read them again, I've already forgotten what was in the previous chapter (detail wise) )