A Time for Heroes - Part One - Chapter 2 - (Complete)

[Graf_Grau]

Dear all

Thanks for all the great support you have been giving over the last few days with this new tale. It is a welcome inspiration. Here is chapter 2. Along with actually being busy at work for a change I am also looking for a new job so not sure how soon I can complete chapter 3. But enjoy this one.

THanks again

GG


Part 1,
introduction, Chapter 1,

________


Chapter 2 – The family trade

Eli Graaf stared dumbly at his father in disbelief. A ship all for himself, it was something he had never considered even in his dreams.

“Of course she needs a lot of work.” Mitchell said.

“I’ll work double shifts dad.” Eli replied eagerly. He could not wait to get started looking round the ship. He made his way towards the hatch and made to start examining it.

“Whoa there son, there’s plenty of time for that but for now I think its time to turn in. It’s getting late.”

Eli grinned, he had forgotten it was the night cycle now on the station. “We’d better get back then, I want to be up early so I can get to work.”

Mitchell chuckled as they made their way back to the family apartment. “I have to admit though son, this is not just for you to play around in.”

“Oh?” Eli sounded suspicious.

“I want to expand the business to include transport of passengers and fast courier packages. Providing a simple taxi service can be quite lucrative. There is space in the Disco to squeeze up to three behind the pilot.”

“Great, so I get to fly a lot in it.” Eli said happily.

“Exactly, I figured you would enjoy it more than traipsing around at a plodding pace as your old man’s co-pilot.”

Eli looked crestfallen. “I don’t want to disappoint you father, but...”

Mitchell laughed. “Son, I got you the ship because it will be useful to me. As for the co-pilot story, that was a ruse to keep you from being suspicious.”

“Well I can always come with you sometimes anyway, to keep you company on long journeys.” Eli sounded hopeful.

“I would like that.” Mitchell replied as they came to the front door.

“Well I am off to bed now, Good night Dad, Good night Mom.” He gave his mother a quick kiss on the cheek and hurried to his room.

Eli listened quietly as his parents chatted in the living area. Things seemed to be improving, but the joy of his new gift kept Eli awake. Thoughts of all the possibilities his ship would bring ran through his mind. His mind was racing too fast and all desire for sleep was quashed. Once his parents had gone to bed Eli resolved to go back down to the hanger.

After the noise in the apartment had stilled, Eli quietly dressed and crept out of his room. He put his ear to his parents’ door. The only audible sound was the rhythmic breathing of people asleep. With the coast clear, Eli hurried out and ran through the empty corridors. It was a surprise to find the station was so deserted. It was almost like a derelict. The hanger bay was also eerily quiet but he did not mind.

The benefit of a deserted hanger was he could play his favourite music without complaints. He tuned his radio into the popular Radio Argon One, at this time of the night, there were few advertisements and even less talk from DJs. It was not long before he was humming away to a favourite tune whilst using an industrial sander to remove the last vestiges of paint from the ship’s hull.

The work progressed rapidly as he was full of determination. Soon much of the hull was gleaming softly, the dim lights catching on the metallic surfaces making it appear to glow with a nimbus of power. To Eli it truly was a thing of beauty.

He began to walk around the ship admiring it. His hand traced lightly over all the curves and lines as he moved. When he finally reached the cockpit it looked inviting. He had to climb in. Once inside the seat seemed incredibly comfortable. For a few mizuras he concentrated on polishing the control panels and displays, but over time he found he preferred to sit and think at the possibilities. His eyes closed and he began to dream.




“Now then lad, what are you doing tucked up in here?” said a loud voice, which brought Eli back to consciousness with a start. His eyes flashed open to see the face of an ageing man bare inches away from his own. The face was craggy and pock marked with the ravages of a hard life. Lines furrowed the brow where they were not hidden by the bushy eyebrows. It was the large handlebar moustache that finally gave the man’s identity away.

“Hatchet! Don’t sneak up on me like that that.” Eli said in shock.

The man Eli identified as Hatchet began to chortle. “I was stomping like a mule boy, you were fast asleep.”

Eli’s expression darkened, then changed to look guilty. “I was up all night working on my ship.”

“Your ship?” Hatchet asked.

“Yes, it was a gift from my father for my birthday which is this tazura. He wants me to work as a courier and passenger carrier for his company.”

Hatchet grinned at Eli’s enthusiasm. “Looks like you have a far bit of work still before you can get it going.”

Eli laughed. “Yes I suppose so, but it will be fun doing it.”

“Well if you need any help, let me know.” Hatchet offered, he was a ship mechanic who plied his trade through the various independent traders and haulers on the station.

“I will do.” Eli replied, both his father and he were skilled at repairs, but it might need Hatchets expertise to make sure the discoverer flew smoothly.

It dawned on Eli finally that it was the morning and his parents would likely soon notice he was not at home.

“I had better get home.” He said to Hatchet.

“Yes well, say hi to your parents from me.”

With a final wave, Eli ran through the station at breakneck speed, dodging past startled residents. As he charged through the front door to the apartment, he realised he was too late. His parents were sat at the dining table eating breakfast.

“Good morning son.” Said Mitchell. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Er yes, sorry I fell asleep in the hanger.” Eli replied.

“I said you, you should not have told him yesterday.” Elzabeth scolded Mitchell. “Never mind though. Happy birthday Eli.”

“Thanks Mom.” Eli answered smiling.

“Yes, welcome to adulthood son.” Mitchell added.

“Thanks, though I don’t feel any different than yesterday.”

“Enjoy it whilst you can son, it won’t be long before you miss being young.”

Eli grimaced, why did older people all ways hark on about such things? With age came more opportunities, or so he thought.

“So I was thinking I might apply to do the pilot exam today, that will mean I will not have to wait too long to take it.”

“Well, actually I sent the application off already.” Mitchell replied, “In fact your test will be in four tazuras. It was the earliest I could get it.”

“Four tazuras? I will have to get practicing.”

“Yes, well not today.” Interrupted Elzabeth. She had been in the kitchen and now brought Eli his favourite breakfast, Argnu sausages with scruffin fruit and Soja chowder. He thanked his mother and was soon silent as he began to attack his way through the stacked up food.

“So, what do you want to do today son?” Mitchell asked Eli.

“I was thinking of spending time on the disco, getting it ready and testing the engines.” Eli looked at his mother as if for approval.

“Yes that would give me some space to do some things.” Elzabeth said. “Perhaps you should go with him Mitch.”

“Yes the harder we work now the sooner you will be up and flying son.” Mitchell agreed.

“Well lets get going then.” Replied Eli, he grabbed one last sausage and gulped in down.



For tazuras the pair worked on upgrading and repairing the systems on the ship. Only the engines continued to elude their improvement efforts. The day came eventually for Eli’s pilot exam and he sat eagerly in the waiting room. He had arrived early so he was forced to wait for stazura before eventually an examiner came out to greet him.

“Hello Mr Graaf, the test will begin shortly, if you will follow me please.” The examiner said.

Eli followed him into the test centre, down a long corridor. The room the entered was large and circular. Placed at intervals around it were many simulator units. Eli could tell that these were advanced models, of the kind, which used to gravimetric units to simulate the effects of G forces and other forces in space. This was going to be fun, he thought.

“If you would take a seat here.” The examiner said, indicating one of the units. Eli followed the instruction. “Now the exam will be in two parts, the first will be simply on manoeuvres and general flying skills. The second part will rate your ability to defend yourself in an emergency.”

“A combat test?” Eli queried in surprise.

“Ah yes, in recent wozuras Xenon and pirate attacks have increased and the government is looking to classify combat ability. It will alos allow matching of pilots to missions and jobs which are more hazardous.”

“Oh I see well it sounds fun.” Eli replied.

The examiner looked quizzical, raising an eyebrow. Eli thought he might have put his foot in his mouth, when the instructor began again. “For the first part, please follow the instructions on screen s they will explain everything for you.”

Eli acknowledged and a canopy came down over the simulator. His view became a starscape all around him as though he was in space. For the nest few mizuras, the simulator led him through a series of tests. Most of which involved flying through hoops in a set time, using jump gates and docking procedures. They were things he had done countless time in other simulators, though this was the most realistic he had ever seen.

With this first part of the test almost over, Eli had only to dock at the training station. He flew over the top of the station heading for the docking port. As he swept over the opening doors, he slammed the throttle down and looped around. Lining up perfectly between the landing lights. His ship continued forwards, his speed rapidly dropping. Just before the ship hit the far side of the docking tube, his velocity dropped to the required speed and he was grabbed by the station’s automatic pilot system. The screen went blank and the canopy was raised.

“Well, Mr Graaf that was an excellent score. The only marring was from that last stunt you pulled. Flight control does not take kindly to reckless behaviour. Still your average score was excellent.” The examiner was scowling, but sounded impressed all the same.

“Thanks, and er sorry.” Eli said meekly.

“Right well, time for your combat test. This is slightly different in that you will first fly single missions followed by a group test with a number of other trainees.”

“OK” Eli replied as the canopy came down again. Once again he was in the middle of a starscape. This time however a warning blared in his ears startling him before he could orientate himself. All around him were Xenon fighters. Fortunately only of the light N class. He was in a Buster, the work horse of the Argon military and civilian defence fleets alike. He targeted the nearest, as he swung his ship about, narrowly missing a stream of laser blasts. It was time to show his skill. The first wave died quickly under his guns and he began to fall into his old routine. It was exhilarating, especially in such a hi-tech simulator.

After nearly a stazura, a voice came through speakers into his cockpit. “Ah, Mr Graaf, we are going to cut your simulator short, you have proven your proficiency. All the other candidates are still waiting for you.” The screen flashed white and went into standby mode. After a few sezuras he was back in a starscape. From his gravidar he could see he was grouped with three other busters. They must be his wingmen for the group operations.

“That was some pretty amazing flying.” One of the other pilots said.

“yeah,” said a second “we were watching over the monitor. Where did you learn to fight like that?”

“Just in ‘INVASION!’” Eli replied, he was pleased with the compliments. “Hang on, I am reading a group of Xenon ships on an intercept course.”

“I see them.” Said the final pilot who proceeded to head directly towards them.

“No, come back.” Cried Eli, too late. The Xenon ships pounced on the unfortunate pilot, blowing his ship apart. Worried the others might face the same fate leaving him alone Eli called to the other pilot trainees. “Both of you, we need to stick together.”

The pair acknowledged and followed Eli in a pass against the Xenon squadron. The lighter N scouts fell rapidly to the massed guns, but a group of M’s caused them trouble. When the fighting was over the three pilots rested their battered ships.

“Well that was fun.” Said the second pilot. “We couldn’t have done it with out you.” He added to Eli.

“No problem.” Eli replied.

“Uh oh, a pair of fighters are headed toward us.” The first pilot said. “Ya, they are Xenon Ls.”

There was a moment of indecision between the pilots. The Xenon L was a very powerful heavy fighter. Eli admired the graceful long neck which spet back into a curved half circle, reminiscent of great wings. It was a beautiful and yet deadly craft.

“Listen up I have a plan.” Said Eli. “I will draw them off, whilst you get around behind them and take them out one at a time.”

“Sounds dangerous.” Said the second pilot.

“Maybe.” Replied Eli, “but I fly faster so can keep just out of range. Just be prepared to run if they turn on you.”

“Good luck.” The first pilot said as Eli boosted towards the Xenon fighters.

Blasts of energy lit up the space between Eli and the two enemy craft. As predicted, they followed him. For a few brief sezuras Eli’s ship was jostled about by random hits from the two Ls. As they turned to pursue him, the two other Buster pilots flew in behind them pummelling the first one apart with a hail of fire. The second began to register them as a greater threat and lurched about. The two Busters scattered in an attempt to avoid the bombardment of missiles and lasers that were directed against them. There was a pause as the L tried to decide which to pursue. It was the break Eli needed, he stormed into action, pouring controlled burst into the ship. The L twisted in an attempt to shake off the new threat only to run into the combined bursts of the two Buster pilots.

Caught between three angles of fire, the L succumbed. The three Busters formed up once again into a loose group.

“Wow, some nice flying.” Said the first pilot.

“Same to you too.” Eli replied. “Working together paid off.”

“Sure did, I wonder what is next?” the second pilot remarked.

Before either Eli or the other pilot could reply Eli’s screen went once again into standby mode. With a hiss of air, the canopy lifted and Eli was caught by the glare of the lights and shut his eyes.

“Congratulation Mr Graaf, that was some unorthodox but successful flying.”

“Thanks.” Eli replied to the examiner.

“Well I have your results compiled and to be honest we are all impressed by someone of your age.” The examiner said, smiling. “In fact based upon your combat scores, you might want to think about applying to the Fleet academy.”

“Nah, I have a job to do helping my father.” Eli replied.

“Well, I am sure you will go far, even though I think you may be wasting your talent. One moment.” The examiner went to a machine in the room’s centre and started pressing buttons. Moments later a small card chip was expelled into his hand. “Here you go Mr Graaf. You have been awarded advanced pilot’s status. Good luck with your career.”

“Hey,” said one of the candidates. From the voice Eli recognised him as the first pilot. “You made advanced pilot. I only got standard, but hey its still a pass.”

“Well done, it means you actually did something with your life, me, I just spent all day play sims.” Eli replied.

“Still good luck to you.”

“You too.” Eli said.





With his test over and his new license in hand, Eli headed for home. The testing centre was adjacent to the main concourse of the station. As he headed home he had to make his way through the commercial district. The crowd of shoppers and visitors was busy as he weaved his way through. There were so many faces about him Eli did not spot Dempsy and Murdo heading towards him. As he turned about a corner he jumped as he felt a hand upon his shoulder.

“Hello Eli Graaf.” Murdo said.

“I hear you had a pilots test today, how did you do?” asked Dempsy.

“I passed.” Replied Eli warily.

“Really, lets have a look at your license then.” Said Dempsy.

“No sorry.” Eli tried to head away. Murdo stepped forward to stop his path.

Seeing the license in Eli’s hand, Dempsy made a successful grab for it. “Hey give that back.” Eli implored the bully.

“He he, let me have a look. Oh wow you got advanced pilot.” Dempsy said sarcastically. “What did you do, sleep with the Examiner?”

“Certainly can’t have bribed him, have you seen the dump he calls a ship in the public hanger?” Murdo jibed with a sneer.

Eli knew he would not be able to get away on his own. Across the corridor he say a security officer, he caught his eye and gave an appealing look. It must have worked because the officer headed over.

“Is something up here?” The officer asked.

“No officer.” Murdo replied quickly. “Just congratulating our friend here on passing his flight exam.”

“Hmm it doesn’t look very friendly here.” The officer frowned. “Why don’t you give the kid his license back and move along.”

Dempsy passed the officer and handed Eli back his license. As he moved he whispered in Eli’s ear. “Don’t even think about coming near us in that heap of junk you call a ship, or you may just find my weapon safeties might have a catastrophic failure.”

Eli thanked the officer and hurried home with mixed emotions. On the one hand he had proved himself, on the other he was still plagued by the two rich bullies. He was rounding the corner to the habitat area when he heard Hatchet calling him from behind.

“Young Mr Graaf, you had better come quickly.”

“What is it Hatchet?” he asked.

“Come quickly to the hanger.”

The pair made their way rapidly to the Graaf bay. As they ducked under the resting mercury, Eli caught a glimpse of his ship. He stared aghast. Where once there had been gleaming metal, a riot of neon colours covered the ship. In bold red was painted the word “LOSER” in letters the size of his arms.

“Don’t fret lad, it will soon be repainted.” Encouraged Hatchet putting an arm round Eli’s shoulders.

“Its not that, I am just fed up of those two.”

“Who? Oh, I know whom you mean. A couple of nasty pieces of work that Dempsy and Murdo. Too rich for their own good.”

“I have got to get back at them somehow, else they will never leave me alone.”

“I am sure you’ll think of something. Now run home. I will clean up here. It won’t take half a stazura to spray it all white.”

“Thanks Hatchet.” Eli said then nodded and left.



When Eli walked into the family apartment, he noticed his father was in deep discussion with a strange man. “Hello son.” Mitchell called in greeting.

“Hi, dad, and good day to you Mr…?” Eli greeted the two men.

“Hello, I am Mr Gardna.” The stranger replied cheerfully.

“Mr Gardna has come with your first job for the company.” Mitchell explained.

“Oh right well there is a problem.” Eli said, his father’s face darkened.

“Oh dear have I come at a bad time.” Asked Gardna confused.

“Ah no, the ship is just having a new paint job, but I can still make a delivery.”

“Good, I thought I would never get this package delivered.”

“If you like you can leave it here and Eli will deliver it soon.” Mitchell said hurriedly, glancing slightly irately at Eli.

“Of course, well thank you for this and I will have the funds transferred when you arrive.”

The man Mr Gardna left the apartment, leaving Eli and his father alone.

“What was that all about?” asked Mitchell angrily.

“I’m sorry the ship has been vandalised by those two rich idiots, its only cosmetic but still…”

“Never bring up a discussion of problems in front of a client, its bad for business.” Mitchell snapped.

“Sorry Dad, its… well I guess its my first day.” Eli said intimidated.

“Ah its OK son, just grumpy ion my old age. Now tell me how did your test go.” Mitchell placated.

“I made Advanced Pilot.” Eli replied eagerly.

“Advanced great, it took me till I was thirty before I got my advanced license.”

“The instructor said I should apply to the Fleet Academy, though I said no.” Eli added excitedly.

“You must have done well son, they have strict entry requirements. Though your mother will be pleased you refused. As am I.” Mitchell said smiling. “Well you had better get going if you want to deliver this on time.”

Eli rushed out of the apartment. A cough stopped him, he span around to see his father standing holding the parcel out to him. “Oops.” Eli grimaced as he took the parcel, and then ran off to his ship.

Eli was surprised when he reached the hanger. Hatchet had already used a large industrial sprayer to coat the enter ship in fast drying white paint.

“Hello boyo, what’s the hurry.”

“Got to transport this package to…” he checked the label. “Three Worlds.”

“A quick trip west and back, not too far.” Said Hatchet.

“Is the paint dry.”

“It’s a tad sticky, but exposure to space should harden it. You have fun now young master Graaf.”

“I will.” Replied Eli as he climbed into the cockpit.

Eli paused for a moment, his hands delicately moving across the consoles. It was his first solo flight. Occasionally his father had let him take the controls of the family Lifter, Reliable, but today he would be on his own. He inhaled deeply as if the smell of paint and lubricants was ambrosia. He was free and now off into space. He could barely contain his joy.

The engines of the discoverer slowly purred into life. The overhaul he and his father had done was paying off. A light flickered on the main board. Ah yes, the automatic undock sequence, he thought. Once the switch was flipped, the ship began to drift slowly toward the launch tube entrance.

Eli sat back and watched as the hanger slipped by. As the bay doors closed he grasped the controls. He felt the slight increase in “G” as the inertial compensators strained to combat the force caused by his ship being accelerated into space.

The systems now under his control, Eli flipped the ship in a long roll, letting a whoop of raw excitement. The chronometer caught his, eye he had better hurry, he did not want to be late.

“Better activate the computer to get the nav route plotted.” Eli said to himself, as he flipped a switch.

“Computer activated.” A female voice stated flatly.

“Hello computer, what is your designation?” Eli asked.

“M – G – G – 1 - 3” the computer replied.

“Ok well, I will refer to you as Maggie, it’s a lot faster.”

“Affirmative, change of designation accepted.”

“Well Maggie, plot a course for Three Worlds, Cattle Ranch Alpha, please.”

“Course plotted, Autopilot is ready.”

“Negative, I will fly, just show the route on the HUD.”

“Acknowledged.”

Eli followed the indicator, which appeared in front of him. He could have done things completely manually but as this was his first job, he thought it best to try and save as much time as possible. He had a few mizuras to wait before he reached the first gate so he had to time to relax.

“Maggie, can you access Radio Argon One?”

“Affirmative.”

Soon after Maggie’s short reply, music began to pour into the cockpit. It was a techno beat, which got his head thumping about in the cockpit.

Eli had set the music to a high volume and the sound drowned out the beeping of his communicator. When Eli did not respond initially, Maggie switched off the radio.

“Hey I was listening to that who said you could do that.”

“An Argon patrol ship is signalling, my programming demands I assist in maintaining strict adherence to flight regulations.”

“Right ok well put them on then.”

“I repeat, pilot please shut down your engines and prepare to be scanned. If you do not comply we will be forced to consider you hostile.”

“Ah sorry sir, I did not hear your hail.” Eli replied truthfully.

“Right well please state your name.”

“Eli Graaf.”

“Hmm, I see you were recently registered with this ship, oh, and your license is new, I hope you are keeping your nose clean.”

“Er… Yes sir.” Eli replied rolling his eyes.

“We are scanned.” Maggie interrupted.

“You are clean kid, have a safe flight.” The patrol pilot said in parting.

“Thanks, you too.” Eli replied.

Eli gunned his engines to maximum. He had been delayed by the inspection and had time to make up. At the gate he slipped his ship between slow moving transports trying to get through first. As he reached the activation point, he felt his ship shake about around him. A disorientating blue swirl appeared outside the cockpit. IT was the event horizon of the jump wormhole. Flashes like jagged lightning enveloped the ship. For a moment time seem to stand still and then he was expelled on the other side into the system, Power Circle.

Once again Eli flew the ship across the sector shunning the assistance of the autopilot. When he reached the far side, he headed straight for the gate. Traffic seemed even heavier there and he was forced to wait in the queue. It was frustrating as his ship was several times faster than most of the freighters.

When it was his turn to jump, once again he felt the rush as his ship travelled through dimensions to reach the Three Worlds solar system. Once on the other side he realised he would have to go at full throttle to make the delivery on time. He singled out the Cahoona Bakery and surged forwards. The plasma trails behind his ship leapt outwards leaving wisps of charged gasses in his wake.

Docking permission was given and Eli eased his ship into a bay. It was a flustered Eli Graaf who ran into the main concourse eagerly searching for his contact.

“Mr Graaf?” A voice said from behind him.

Eli span around, the man fitted the identification picture given by Mr Gardna to perfection.

“Hello I have a parcel for you...” Eli replied, glancing down at the documents again. “... Mr Relty.”

“Superb, and just in time. Here I will have the funds transferred for you.”

“Thank you sir.”

“No problem son, have a safe flight back.”

Eli nodded his thanks and headed back to his ship. Once aboard he ordered Maggie to auto undock the ship and use the autopilot to return. He was too elated he had completed his first ever job for his father’s company. As he flew back, he noted a personal message had been left in his mail. It was from Mr Gardna thanking him for the delivery. It looked like Eli’s future career was secured.

[Gvork]

Once again, good stuff.
Found this "When he reached the far side, he heades straight for the gate." - headed.
Best of luck with the job hunt.

[Urashima Keitaro]

“Whoa there son, there is plenty of time for that but for now I think its time to turn in. It is getting late.” sounds better as "Whoa there son, there's plenty of time for that, but for now I think it's time to turn in. It's getting late."

Eli grinned he had forgotten it was the night cycle now on the station. - Eli grinned, he had forgotten it was the night cycle now on the station. It just rolls better.

Exaclty- spelt as exactly.

Well I can always come with you sometimes anyway, to keep you company on long journeys.” - needs speech marks to start the dialog.

Well I am off to bed now, Good night Dad, Good night Mom.” - Again, same as above.

His mid was racing too fast and all desire for sleep was quashed. - should be 'His mind.'

Too many 'he's.' Some people had problems with this in mine too.

“Now then lad what are you doing tucked up in here?” Said - sounds better with comma after lad, and said is in lower case.

“Ah yes, in recent wozuras Xenon and pirate attacks have increased and the government is looking to classify combat ability also, it will allow matching of pilots to missions and jobs which are more hazardous.” - sentence is too long, would consider turning it into two, or three, "Ah yes, Xenon and pirate attacks have increased in past wozuras, so the government is looking for capable recruits. It will also help us match capable pilots to more hazardous missions." - Ignore if this is too different from what is above.

“For the first part, please follow the instructions on screen s they will explain everything for you.” - can be shortened slightly, discard the 's' which I assume was 'as' and put a comma after screen.

"Thanks, and er Sorry"- drop the capital s.

Eli said in reply - 'Eli replied' is much more direct, and a bit less passive.

“You to.” - In this case, wrong 'to', in this case it's 'too'.

Murdo stopped forward to stop his path. - should be 'stepped.'

“Don’t even think about coming near us in that heap of junk you call a ship, or we might just find my weapon safeties might have a catastrophic failure.” - well, wouldn't that be better structured as "Don’t even think about coming near us in that heap of junk you call a ship, or you may just find my weapon safeties might have a catastrophic failure.”

"Who, oh I know who you mean," - Who should have a question mark after it, not the comma. Oh should start off in capital, and should have a comma.

“What was that all about?” Asked Mitchell angrily. - no capital on asked.

“I’m sorry the ship has been vandalised by those to rich idiots, its only cosmetic but still…” - case of wrong 'to' again, this time it's 'two.'

He was free and now of into space. - cut the 'of', I don't know why it's there but is spoils sentence structure.

“Better active the computer to get the nav route plotted.” He said to himself, as he flipped a switch. - Fist, cut th first he, sounds better as Eli said to himself. And instead of active, the verb is activate.

“Hmm I see you were recently registered with this ship, oh and your license is new I hope you are keeping your nose clean.” - Needs more commas, first one after hmm, second after oh, and third after new.

“Thanks you too.” - comma after thanks.

When he reached the far side, he heades straight for the gate. - headed, not heades.

Hope that helps, I had a lot more time tonight, sorry if I sounded like a pedantic old fart, but I'm only 17.

[bladeuk]

another good read, beginings of a great story

[therjw]

nice chapter.. Cant wait for more

[KiwiNZ]

Excellent read! I like the explanation of the combat rating Nice.

Also very good pace.

Looking forward to the next chapter and Eli's first troubles hehe

[Graf_Grau]

Hope that helps, I had a lot more time tonight, sorry if I sounded like a pedantic old fart, but I'm only 17.

Pedantic no, teacher yes. I was always bad at English at school

Seriously though thank you Urashima for all these corrections, I need others to spot my mistakes, I have a bad habit of not going passed using spell checkers.

Thank you all for corrections I have changed most of them by your suggestions and made a few additions too.

i am glad you all like it. Apologies again for not churning it out like DD, but without fighting every other page I acutally have to think about what i am doing for a change!

GG

[SteveMill]

Chapter 2 – The family trade

Eli Graaf stared dumbly at his father (in disbelief - we're empathising with the character so you don't need to tell us. Dumbly already has, as does the next sentence)


“I’ll work double shifts dad.” Eli replied eagerly (I'd drop this - by and large, like here we have the context and know he is enthusiastic. You've done a great job setting the scene and characters, we're already there with them).

“Oh?” Eli sounded suspicious. (Oh? Eli thought 'Here it comes'. Show don't tell)

“Great, so I get to fly a lot in it.” Eli said (happily).

“Exactly, I figured you would enjoy it more than traipsing around at a plodding pace as your old man’s co-pilot.”


Soon much of the (hull was gleaming softly - passive voice.), the dim lights catching on the metallic surfaces making it appear to glow with a nimbus of power. To Eli it truly was a thing of beauty. (Nice description though)


“Your ship?” (Hatchet asked - not needed).

(“Thanks, though I don’t feel any different than yesterday.”

“Enjoy it whilst you can son, it won’t be long before you miss being young.”

Eli grimaced, why did older people all ways hark on about such things? With age came more opportunities, or so he thought. - I'm enjoying this whole family thing and the different age views)



“A combat test?” (Eli queried in surprise - not needed).


“Oh I see well it sounds fun.” Eli replied.

The examiner (looked quizzical, raising an eyebrow - raised a quizzical brow).


“Thanks, and er sorry.” Eli said meekly (appropriate use as there are a number of ways he could have said it).


“Well that was fun.” Said the second pilot. “We couldn’t have done it with out you.” He added to Eli.

(We could have done with some brief characterisation of the pilots. Get them to introduce themselves, pick out a couple of pertinent physical descriptors. Try and not have a red shirt/npc approach to bit characters, you never know when you might want to use them again, or kill them to effect.)


Seeing the license in Eli’s hand, Dempsy made a successful grab for it. “Hey give that back.” (Eli implored the bully - not needed).

“Maggie, can you access Radio Argon One?”

“Affirmative.” (what this delivery service needs is a surly robot telling him to bite its shiny metal ass )

Really promising stuff. The whole 'coming of age' thing could easily lapse into triteness but this is fresh.