Experiment in Literature... (fic)

[Thalass]

CLICKY! (Warning: contains swearing and the odd adult theme. These are pirates, after all. )

Not sure about the title, though that is what they'll get up to, eventually.

Comments? Criticism? Death threats?

I also plan on adding illustrations, mostly to compensate for my lack of descriptive ability. Not sure how to integrate the two halves, though.

[smiley]

I also plan on adding illustrations, mostly to compensate for my lack of descriptive ability. Not sure how to integrate the two halves, though.

I would recommend not using pictures. Make your descriptions short and sweet, and allow your reader to fill in the blanks. Readers do have imaginations too.

Smiley

[Thalass]

Well it's not only because of my lack of writing ability, it's also because I'm slightly comic-inclined and this gives me something to work with.

But I'll see how the scanner situation goes.

[Oldman]

Hi Thalass

Just one point, "The sound of the bath wafted through the door"...
When you say 'wafted', this just makes me think of the smell of a bath... steam, some kind of perfume or something added to the bath, not the sound of water running, or water movement.
Perhaps it would be better to use another descriptive word, one that is more in keeping with an actual sound. Or maybe even a word or words to encompass the sound and the smell....if you get my drift.

Story is quite readable btw, just an observation on use of words.

Oldman

[Thalass]

Thanks, Oldman!

You've got a point there, I hadn't notice that... perhaps "drifted" might be better. hrm. I'm going for something gentle there, rather than blaring through the door, or screaming or whatever. *ponders*

Trickled, perhaps?


Thanks, mate.

[smiley]

Yep. Trickled sounds good to me.

I have a few other points, though.

Introduction - couple of spelling mistakes.

Quarters - not quaters
Smiling - not smilling

Chapter One

acquired - not aquired
she and Kase had been caught - not her and Kase

Near the bottom you have speech being interrupted. I would leave out the 'he began' and 'she continued' because they get in the way of the interruption. You want the interruption to be immediate. Instead you could have . . .

"Phallicly compensating... That sweaty fat..."
"Settle down, Crab." Kase wearily sighed.

(maybe you could put a '?' after 'Phallicly compensating' too - and it may be phallically, but I can't find it in the dictionary)

And finally . . .

The groups collective reputations - should be - The group's collective reputation.

Sorry to spot quite so much, but it is still a damn good read. There are a few other grammatical errors but, it has certainly peaked my interest.

Smiley

Oops, a couple more.

emitted - not emmited.
I ought to wring - not I aught to wring.

[Thalass]

Thanks, Smiley. I thought I'd gotten all of those mistakes


With the rep thing, I was more going for their individual reputations, rather than their rep as a group, though I suppose it amounts to the same thing.


Edited, and working on chapter two. Shall upload either before work thisarvo, or tomorrow morning sometime.

[smiley]

I can't wait!

By the way, emitted is still wrong - you've put emited.

And I spotted another - agressivly should be agressively (the hair brushing bit).

Smiley

[Urashima Keitaro]

Nice!!! Good imagery... I can almost sense it...

Ah well, back to my other story, in the morning.

[Jericho]

CLICKY! (Warning: contains swearing and the odd adult theme. These are pirates, after all. )

Not sure about the title, though that is what they'll get up to, eventually.

Comments? Criticism? Death threats?

I also plan on adding illustrations, mostly to compensate for my lack of descriptive ability. Not sure how to integrate the two halves, though.

I'll try to read it later when i get a chance. RE: Your pictures for it, I have found that nothing ruins the reader's image of a character then a crap picture (Not saying your pictures are crap!!! ).

e.g. When reading the Timothay Zahn Thrawn trilogy for Star Wars, he gives some fairly non-descriptive descriptions of the characters, e.g. Mara Jade= tall, lean, long red hair. That's about it. A few years later I had the misfortune of flicking through the 'Official Guide To the Star Wars Universe' where they had 'official' pictures of some of these characters. Jesus.

Bang went my appreciation of Karrde and Mara Jade. Whatever hillbilly they used to draw these pictures should have his artists licence revoked. Now when I read them, I cannot get the picture out of my head. Damn.

Fourtenetly, on the most recent Thrawn book (Vision of the future? Spectre of the past? can't remember which way round they go) there is a picture of Jade holding a lightsaber. Now that is more like it, much ore believable. And she looks just like my ex (although she had brown hair not red).

[Urashima Keitaro]

Let the imagination work out what it thinks SHOULD be the appropriate pictures... Some people, like Jericho said, who did 'official' drawings should have their artist liusecne revoked, burnt and be made to watch it...

[Thalass]

My drawings, if I ever get a new scanner *sob* , are fairly nondetailed. Comic style. Like this, but not as good.


Something that shows how things happen, sets the scene, but without that much detail.


Anyway, my fiancee just flew down from canada on wednesday, so I'm somewhat... distracted. I'll try and write a bit if I get the chance


Thanks for the comments!

[Thalass]

I can't belive it's been a month since I touched this thing! Firstly my fiancee flew in from canada, then a week later my mum came from Perth and stayed for a few weeks. Now things are back to normal and such, with mum back home and Mellie and I settled in together (*GLEEE*) I'll try and churn out some more. Though I really must cut down on my projects. I've got two roleplay games going, in one my species requires a major overhaul, plus this and a certain *classified* project in RL. And, y'know, spending time with the missus and such.

I shall make time. Or at least partition some of the time available to me so as to do some writing.

[Urashima Keitaro]

Looks goods Thalas.

[smiley]

Still good stuff, Thalass.

Found some errors though.

She ought to be used to it, she thought. Even if Kase only required she wear it on official occasions, she'd been a slave longer than most survive their cruel masters.

This just looks a bit odd. Think you just have the start of sentence in the wrong place.

She ought to be used to it, she thought, even if Kase only required she wear it on official occasions. She'd been a slave longer than most survive their cruel masters.

This looks better to me, but the choice is yours.

First line of second paragraph - Grubers should be Gruber's.

What Gruber called his 'office', really just an old isolated storeroom that was far enough away from the 'palace' that Gruber felt safe conducting business there.

Another one that doesn't look quite right.

The comma after 'office' suggests you are interrupting the sentence with extra information, but you don't restart the first bit (so I changed it to 'was').

Ends up like this.

What Gruber called his 'office' was really just an old isolated storeroom that was far enough away from the 'palace' that Gruber felt safe conducting business there.

Spelling - Anonymous and companion.

And finally a small one. Don't put fullstops (or periods, if you prefer) at the end of speech unless it's the end of the whole sentence.

"You've been reading way too much, Graf." he said.

Should be . . . way too much, Graf," he said.

Still a good read though. Good to see some more after your 'understandable' break.

Smiley