Help needed for story! Anyone here, who gives me Feedback?

[SFN-Darkwarrior]

Hi guys!

Because I missed a lot of english-lessons (I had to take part in a lot of Assessment Centers therefore I get a job after school) I'm supposed to write a short SF story, the reader has to think about.

I'm sure, the plot isn't that bad, but I don't know, how many grammatic mistaktes and so on are in it. Maybe you can help me by reading the story and telling me some mistakes! The would really help me.

Here's the story:

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Title: „Battery low“

Genre: Science Fiction / Fantasy
Classification: Short Story
Date of release: Oct. 1st 2004

It was the dawn of the 23rd Century…

In times of space exploration, scientific victories and the development of artificial intelligence, mankind entered the way of reaching a level of superior existence. In her own enthusiasm mankind saw themselves as the alpha and the omega. No limits, no barriers, nothing more to stop this civilization.
Some decades ago men from the planet earth broke through the solar systems boarders. Some years later the first perfect androids were created. In their technological perfection, they couldn’t be any more separated from a human. Neither in their appearance nor in their behavior. Every disease or illness was defeated, most humans were over one hundred and forty years old, when the cold hand of death was grabbing their old and breakable bodies…

Death…

In times, the magnificent light of other suns in the universe was caught by mankind’s hands, the death wasn’t still defeated.

But in the year 2295 the scientist Jeremy Sither developed the computed neural transmitter system. A new technology, allowing him to transfer human thoughts and memories into any kind of hardware device which could store information.
Sither was already older then eighty years, but the wish of a long live followed him since he was a little boy.
He knew, he still had over sixty years until he had to die. But it wasn’t enough. Not for him. With his new technology, the CNTS, the idea of immortality grew in him day for day. He knew, applying the CNTS on a high developed android after connecting the system with his brain would allow him, to leave his mortal covering. His mind, all his memories, his emotions, his knowledge, his experience, everything would get immortal in the solid hull of an android.
Sither had to challenge the probably hardest question in his life: Should he die as a human being or should he walk through decades, centuries, through whole millenniums as an android?
Weeks and months passed, but after this long time, the scientist made his decision.

“Yes…”

He made his preparations and in the year 2297 he stood in front of the CNTS control terminal and the lifeless android. He turned around, viewing into the mirror hanging in front of him. He examined his old skin, the gray hair, the old green eyes.
“I will be superior…”, he whispered. His thoughts were in fire, in the enthusiasm of being soon the oldest and intelligent being mankind had ever seen, he connected his head with the system and initiated the transfer sequence…
He closed his eyes and he could feel the fire in his veins, he could feel how the fire crushed into his brain, sucking him down into a dark hole, pulling him out of his organic body…
He opened his eyes…

It was strange, he had problems to see his environment properly, but after some seconds everything was fine. It was a strange feeling he had…but he had a feeling!
He look through the room and saw his own lifeless body slackened on the chair. He stood up and moved his right hand in front of his eyes. He saw a silver shining metallic structure, moving like his own hand and accepting every order his electronic brain gave.
He could feel his new body. He noticed the energy flowing through the androids hull, the micro fusion reactor would give him enough energy for billions of years. He knew, the android hadn’t an energy transfer system, it wasn’t necessary, the reactor would obviously produce more energy then necessary. Because of this, Sither took an PDA and entered the code for the androids self-destruction. Whenever life would get too boring, whenever the time would come to go, then Sither only would have to initiate the self-destruction by the PDA with the androids data interface.
Needing no sleep, no food, no water, nothing, Sither left his house, his broke with his former life and decided to go somewhere, somewhere, he hasn’t been before…

With the fire in his eyes, the thunder in his thoughts, the feeling of being superior and undefeatable, Sither made his first step. The androids black metal foot stepped powerful on the wooden floor and left a small crater in it. Sither smiled. The he started running…
Leaving the house, the street, the city, the nation…he run thousands of kilometers without a break, just because it was fun…
His life had no more limits, he used the first twenty years and walked along the equator as long as he had surrounded the earth. The fire in his thoughts told him, this would be only his first journey…

Sither did whatever he wanted, he conquered every mountain and explored every ocean. Decades passed…centuries passed…Despite he was an android he found friends, but they died, the family his brother founded centuries ago was now in the 21st generation.
Century for century passed, he got in contact with millions of people, he watched the mankind conquering the galaxy and the stars far beyond. Maybe the time will come, he would launch into space, but not now. He wanted to explore the whole planet himself.
More the two millenniums passed, it was the year 4412 when Sither sat down on a stone somewhere in Africa and watched the sky. “It is getting boring…”, he thought.
His was now more than two thousand years old. “Maybe I should take the next border…”.
He needed a ship therefore he would be able to explore the space beyond earth. He worked some centuries and collected the money for the ship. In the ending fifth millennium he bought a small vessel and started. He wanted to see every sun and every planet in the galaxy.
He started, fulfilling his dreams…
Again, centuries and millenniums passed and he just had visited less then one percent of the solar systems in the galaxy. He didn’t stop.
After more than thirty thousand years he revisited earth. The mankind had colonized half the galaxy, the earth was formed into a beautiful paradise by the most modern technology, Moon, Mars and Venus were terraformed. It was quite amazing for Sither to notice this fantastic development of his race. But after some time he got bored, somehow he was disappointed about the fact, mankind still hadn’t any contacts with other life forms.
“Maybe I’ll find them one day…”, he thought.
He entered his old path through the galaxy and left the earth. Again, he traveled for ten thousands of years…for hundreds of thousands of years…
Some thousand years ago he had lost the contact to the rest of his civilization. He decided to visit earth again. It was boring again and he decided to leave the galaxy, breaking through the next border, knowing, his journey would take millions of years.
More then five million years later he came back from the Andromeda galaxy. His eyes had seen more then everyone else in the universe.
This time he landed on earth and deactivated his vessel. Traveling through space got to boring in the meantime.
This time, he had to notice, there wasn’t any more any human being on the planet. He recognized, his species had become extinct. The former human being, got sad about this. He took place on a stone and thought for some centuries about it. In the meantime, earth had become a huge desert, everything had changed. New life forms he had never seen had conquered the planet.
“A monument…”, rushed through his mind. A monument for the mankind…
He started to built a pyramid. He collected stones, and the monument got higher and higher. He worked for thousands of years and finally the pyramid was about over forty kilometers high. On the top, he placed a human statue.
But he didn’t know what to do now. Everything was boring. No other human being was on the planet to talk with him. But was there anything to talk about? He already had talked about every topic in past. In the meantime, the desert storms had damaged his vessel and destroyed several primary systems, but he didn’t care about it, he wanted to rest on earth now.
He watched along the huge desert covering the earth’ face. “Maybe it’s time to go…”, a voice whispered in his mind.
“Yes…maybe…”, he thought. He opened a little box in the androids hull and took out the PDA. He took the connection cable and connected himself with the system, therefore he could now rest in peace after this journey.
He watched the PDA and pressed the little red button, looking in the signature on it: “activate”.
Surprised of being alive he watched the display in the next second. He read the message:
“Battery low”.

Maybe it was his cry, which was only part of him that survived the future…

[Deleted User]

At a glance, nothing springs out. 'Fraid I don't have time to look through it properly though - will do tomorrow. Looks good plot-wise too!

[crunn]

I'm sure, the plot isn't that bad, but I don't know, how many grammatic mistaktes and so on are in it. Maybe you can help me by reading the story and telling me some mistakes! The would really help me.

Hi SFN

I'm no expert but I'll try to help.

Plot is fine, nice twist at the end with the low battery, and perfectly timed. I'd just forgotten the title when he found the battery low and said to myself "Ahhhh, nice!"

I've spotted some grammatic mistaktes, mostly simple things, past/present plural/single extra words.
Nothing too serious.

Anyway here goes...



"In times, the magnificent light of other suns in the universe was caught by mankind’s hands, the death wasn’t still defeated."
There is something odd about that whole sentence.
"... suns in the universe was caught..."
You're talking about the 'suns', plural, I think the 'was' should also be plural. So -
"suns in the universe were caught"

But there is still something wrong, I just don't understand what it says.
Ok, if you skim over it fast you get it, but read cearfuly and it's... odd.
I think you are going for something like this...
"Over time mankind achieved many great things, they travelled the depths of space and captured the very power of the stars themselves. But still, death could not be defeated."


"already older then eighty years"
>"already older than eighty years"

"He knew, he still had over sixty years until he had to die."
I don't think you need the comma, also "had to die"... hmm, I'd put-
>"He knew, he still had over sixty years before he would die."
'Had to' sounds more like a deadline. Up to you.

"grew in him day for day"
>"grew in him day after day." ??

"would get immortal"
>"would become immortal" ??

"challenge the probably hardest"
>"challenge probably the hardest" ??

"He look through the room and saw"
>"He looked through the room and saw"

"He knew, the android hadn’t an energy"
no comma

"more energy then necessary"
>"more energy than necessary"

"stepped powerful on the wooden"
>"stepped powerfully on the wooden"

"he run thousands"
>"he ran thousands"

"Despite he was an android he found friends"
>"Despite being an android he found friends"

"Century for century passed"
>"Century after century passed" ??

"he watched the mankind conquering"
>"he watched mankind conquering"

"More the two millenniums"
>"More than two millenniums" ??

"His was now more than two thousand years old"
>"He was now more than two thousand years old" ??

"The mankind had colonized half the galaxy"
>"Mankind had colonized half the galaxy" ??

"ten thousands of years"
>"ten thousand years" ??
>"tens of thousands of years" ??

"More then five million"
>"More than five million"

"there wasn’t any more any human being on the planet"
>"There were no longer any human beings on the planet"

"He recognized, his species had become extinct"
>"He realised, his species had become extinct"

"A monument for the mankind"
>"A monument for mankind"

"was about over forty kilometers high"
>"was over forty kilometers high" ??
>"was about forty kilometers high" ??

"He already had talked about every topic in past."
>"He had already talked about every topic in the past."



Hope this helps.

[SFN-Darkwarrior]

Thank you! That really helps me lot!!! And it keeps my storie away from my teachers red ink

Thank you again, I'm gonna correcting my story now.

[smiley]

"In times, the magnificent light of other suns in the universe was caught by mankind’s hands, the death wasn’t still defeated."
There is something odd about that whole sentence.
"... suns in the universe was caught..."
You're talking about the 'suns', plural, I think the 'was' should also be plural. So -
"suns in the universe were caught"

Sorry to correct your correction, but it is 'the light' that was caught, so 'was' is correct. However, I don't quite get the last part. 'The death' doesn't make sense and 'wasn't still' is also wrong. Maybe it should read, "In times, the magnificent light of other suns in the universe was caught by mankind’s hands, but death still wasn't defeated."

Other mistakes I spotted, some of which are probably just typos, were (trying not to repeat crunn too much) . .

"Some decades ago men from the planet earth broke through the solar systems boarders."
-you mean "the solar system's borders" (possessive, hence the apostrophe - And borders, as in edges. Not boarders, as in those going onto a ship).

"Every disease or illness was defeated, most humans were over one hundred and forty years old, when the cold hand of death was grabbing their old and breakable bodies… Death..."

Lovely imagery, but should probably be two sentences.

"Every disease or illness was defeated. Most humans were over one hundred and forty years old, when the cold hand of death was grabbing their old and breakable bodies… Death..."

"His thoughts were in fire, in the enthusiasm of being soon the oldest and intelligent being mankind had ever seen, he connected his head with the system and initiated the transfer sequence… "

Try . .

"His thoughts were on fire, in the enthusiasm of being soon the oldest and most intelligent being mankind had ever seen. He connected his head with the system and initiated the transfer sequence… "

A couple of grammatical errors. Also, split it into more than one sentence.

Quite a few times you have written "He knew, he still" or something like that. You don't need the comma.

"He knew, applying the CNTS on a high developed android after connecting the system with his brain would allow him, to leave his mortal covering."

Lose both commas in this one.

"Sither was already older then eighty years, but the wish of a long live followed him since he was a little boy."

Life, not live.

Though millenniums is perfectly correct, you might come across some who think millennia is better. English teachers sometimes get it wrong too.

"He turned around, viewing into the mirror hanging in front of him."

Looking rather than viewing. It sounds more natural (I think).

"He knew, the android hadn’t an energy transfer system, it wasn’t necessary, the reactor would obviously produce more energy then necessary."

Again, split it into a few sentences'

"He knew the android did not have an energy transfer system. It was not necessary. The reactor would obviously produce more energy than necessary."

On another note, it is not really correct to use contractions unless it is in speech. Use 'was not' and 'is not' rather than 'wasn't' and 'isn't'. Though thinking about it, this probably isn't true of modern story writing, so you can leave the wasn'ts and isn'ts in there.

"He needed a ship therefore he would be able to explore the space beyond earth."

The 'therefore' doesn't make sense. Try this instead (shorter and sweeter).

"He needed a ship to explore the space beyond earth."

If you want to say something, try not to use too many words. Long sentences get in the way of understanding.

One more point. You keep saying that 'he was bored' or 'it was boring'. This will probably not go down well with your readers. If he must be bored all the time, try using an occasional 'he soon lost interest', or 'it held no further interest for him'. Or rather than just sayingit was boring, explain why it held no further interest.

Other than that, great story. Keep it up.

Smiley

[Deleted User]

Well, I inally got round to reading it, but by now all the mistakes have been spotted Still, a great story!

[SFN-Darkwarrior]

Thank you a lot! I've now corrected my story, I hope, it will pleasure my teacher THX again!

[alpharomeo81]

If I was you, I would have started decribing the guy first, thinking about being an immortal or not. Then I would have started with the description of historical background, so the end can be seen as the logical tie to the beginning.

At the very beginning it seemed a collection of "common places" and ideas that were already used. However the twist at the end was fine.

[ElectricMonk]

Spoiler tags added. You don't have to read my criticism if you don't want to

Spoiler

Show

I realise that this comes a little late, but here are my criticisms, constructive and otherwise.

The plot is good but the way time flies forward isn't rushed enough. When passing millenia in a few words it's a good idea to mark these years with a few achievements. You've already done a good job on that, but you can add more.

This is a story about a person and the age-old thought of "would you like to live forever?" The things that make life precious are feelings and how we perceive the world around us. Jeremy seems to have few feelings in the story except at the very end. He isn't happy that humanity has done so well and he takes little pride in his own accomplishments. Did Sither ever want a mate? Someone to share his life with? By placing yourself in his shoes you can more fully explore the character and how they feel about everything.

How did Sither's own humanity conflict with his android body? The marriage between man and machine would doubtless have a few problems. Humans are social creatures and their primary purpose is to mate. How did this embedded command in his psyche manifest itself? Did Sither ever get angry at the things that happened to himself or others? Sither may be a machine, but at the core he is still human and you've successfully demonstrated this fact, but it isn't fully realised. Could Sither destroy planets in a flash of anger? Did he ever fall in love?

Before Sither took on his new body, did he ever think about it in any depth? Did his friends ever notice that he was spending too much time at work and letting his relationships suffer? Did he ever test the android body with the minds of other creatures, such as mice, etc...


Plot holes:

The PDA, why not plug it into his own body to power it? Why not merely remove the fusion cell?

Having said that, I really enjoyed the story and thought it was a great effort for someone of your age group. The writing is coherent and fluid in most places and you give life to a world that would otherwise be very dull in its own perfection. A seriously deserved "well done" is in order.