Jerron's Return (Chapter 1) [new story]

[RJV]

Hello all,

Please find below the first segment in a new story "Jerron's Return".

Comments, as always, will be welcomed and appreciated.

Enjoy.

******************

The stars twinkled brightly around him as the first push of acceleration pressed into his back. Gentle at first, then with greater insistence as the speed came up to 50mps, manoeuvring speed. The proximity alarm was sounding so he kept her straight and level for a few moments. All at once the noise stopped, he was clear. Both hands on the column, he eased it over to port and watched his monitors carefully. Being clear according to the alarm was no guarantee of safety and there were countless stories of undocking tragedies; he had no intention of becoming a statistic. Finally the monitors showed the big back end of the Herc edging away, so he steadily brought his own ship around and eased her down to an idle.

He wiped his brow with the back of his hand and was surprised to feel it come away damp. ReCirc must be down, he thought, reaching for the internal controls. Damned brand new ships never work right. It was only when he noticed the recirc was switched on and working that the realisation hit him that he had been nervous. Well, well, well, Jerron Geisler chuckled to himself, you do have feelings after all.

The cockpit of the RS Cecilia Ann briefly darkened, then bloomed back into full light as the transporter RS Gigantic moved away. The TL was heading down to Paranid Prime with another trader ship to replace the current incumbent, who had just been promoted to a universe trader. Red Star Enterprises was expanding, and this was a good time for a freighter pilot to earn a seat. The rumour was that the guy in charge of Red Star had been involved in a fight with some Xenon in Scale Plate Green and had come out of it with 20 million in his pocket.

Geisler didn’t know if that was true – the barkeep in the trading station in Red Light was famous for his embellishment of the facts – but what he did know was that Red Star were hiring, offering good rates, a new ship (a new Mercury, can you believe that, not a hunk of junk) and he’d been given the job on the spot. This was a chance he wasn’t going to pass up.
Geisler thumbed the commlink to the Herc closed, checked his trade computer, then rubbed his hands together slowly before hitting the autopilot and instructing the ship to head for the nearest SPP.

The airlock hissed and three jets of compressed air vented into the docking tube. The door swung open and Geisler stepped out, his boots clanging on the metal walkway. He looked out of the tube’s window and saw the robot tug making it’s way to the Mercury’s main hold access door, carrying nearly 20 grand’s worth of energy. Nice to be spending someone else’s money, Geisler thought as he waved his card at the door. He stepped through into the trade office and looked round. They’d done the place up a little since the last time he’d been here, but it still had that familiar look, that familiar feel. The feel that someone was trying to rip you off.

‘Geisler?. Is that you?’

A voice from the past intruded on his thoughts. Jerron turned sharply to his right.

‘Certainly is’. Jerron grinned at the station’s freight handler. ‘Pontus, what have they done to you? You look almost respectable’.

‘Coming from you that’s not saying much’ the handler said, walking over to Geisler and putting his hand on Jerron’s shoulder. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘You’ve put on a few pounds since I last saw you’ Geisler replied, avoiding the question. ‘They given you your own office yet?’

‘You’re standing in it’, laughed Pontus, ‘only thing is I get the scum of the universe in here all the time’. He laughed his infectious laugh again and ushered Jerron to a seat next to a plexi window. ‘Now, Jerron’, the handler said, leaning over conspiratorily, ‘you were going to tell me what you’re doing here’.

Geiseler paused, unsure of himself for a moment. He’d known this question was going to be asked, and he’d rehearsed the answer on numerous occasions, but now that it came down to it… If all else fails, give them the truth, or at least part of it.

‘That’s my ship’, he gestured out to the Cecilia Ann. Red Star’s newest, and they’ve given me the seat’.

Pontus leaned back, his considerable frame causing his chair to creak. Jerron watched his old friend studying him, evaluating his reply. Pontus’ brow furrowed as it always did when he was thinking hard, and the silence lasted several seconds. When he replied, it was in a low voice.
‘Jerron. My friend. I can see you are the rightful pilot of this ship. I must confess I checked you out when I saw you on the landing list’. He inclined his head slightly, apologetically. ‘But why here?. Why now?’

‘I told you, Red Star gave me the job – ‘

‘Red Star have lots of jobs’ Pontus interrupted, whispering harshly, leaning even closer. ‘But you chose this one. Why have you come back?’

‘Fresh start?’ Geisler shrugged. Now that the question had been put to his face, he didn’t really know. ‘The money’s good, I know that much’.

Pontus pushed his chair back and stood, the smile returning to his lips. ‘Jerron, I can see you don’t want to tell me why you’re here in Red Light. Maybe you don’t know yourself’. He shrugged, easing his bulk round the desk to where Geisler was sitting. ‘Help yourself to food, drinks, whatever has my name on it here is yours’. He patted his old friend on the shoulder. ‘But please, be careful’.

Geisler watched as Pontus headed for the door into the main body of the
station. His old buddy had been right of course, Jerron thought. He hadn’t wanted to tell him why he was here. He did want a fresh start, that much was true. And the pay was good, true also. But there were other jobs, other sectors, well away from here, from his past, from Sabian.

‘Ready’ a voice called in from outside. ‘Ecells ready to ship’. Jerron stood and stretched, picked up a cup of what looked like corfey and headed back to the docking tube.

******************

Cheers,

Rob.

[RJV]

40 reads at time of this posting, and not a single comment. Is it so good you're all knocked out, or so bad you can't leave the thread quick enough???

Next section is ready to post, if anyone would like to read it.

Cheers,

Rob.

[pixel]

It is pretty ok. I like the emphasis of the character working for someone else and it seems like he has a history....

but the opening few paragraphs need a bit of work. After that it is fine but those first 2 or 3 paras are a bit unclear. What exactly is going on at the beginning? Is he flying the new merc away from dock after just receiving it? what station is he flying from? You use 'he' or 'him' a bit too often (like I did when I started my story ages back). Try using his name more, and rather than using 'it' try using 'the ship', try not to repeat words in sentences (like 'speed' is used twice right at the beginning...velocity?) Manouvering speed - what is this, do you mean docking limits or just that it is fast enough to get out of trouble - especially when mercs are not much faster than that without speed upgrades?

Please don't take this as negative criticism, I like the story and you definitely got into the flow better after a few paragraphs.

Definitely post the next chapter!

[General Morphit]

Hmm, apologies. I did read it but was in a hurry so didn't reply. I did think it was a very good start. All as pixel says really, but it seems like a story that needs development, so while your delivery needs more work, we can't make many judgement about the storyline/characters. I think that writing more is the only way to improve your presentation and it would allow people to live the story a bit more. I'm sure you'll pick up followers in time.

But good for you, I've made starts on a few stories but never got to actually showing them around. I may do someday
Till then, I'll keep an eye out for Jerron, I'm sure he has a place in the X-universe.

[pixel]

Hmm, apologies. I did read it but was in a hurry so didn't reply. I did think it was a very good start. All as pixel says really, but it seems like a story that needs development, so while your delivery needs more work, we can't make many judgement about the storyline/characters. I think that writing more is the only way to improve your presentation and it would allow people to live the story a bit more. I'm sure you'll pick up followers in time.

But good for you, I've made starts on a few stories but never got to actually showing them around. I may do someday
Till then, I'll keep an eye out for Jerron, I'm sure he has a place in the X-universe.

[RJV]

Hi,

Many thanks people That was just the kind of thing I was after. The first section (prior to the dialogue) was actually written in isolation as a kind of prelude, and hadn't had the same effort (for want of a better word) as the remainder. I have a re-write for that section mostly done, I may post it separately at some point. Points well made Pixel and Morphit, and taken on board.

Chapter 2 is ready for posting, and should appear some time in the next day or two.

Cheers,

Rob.

[gerrythegremlin]

Feel it's a story in the making, when is the next episode?

Having said that, you were looking for comment, soooo, although the initial description is fair enough I find having reread the intro, I skipped it the first time because that is not what I was looking for in a story...it was the character developement the began to intrigue me...the not quite knowing and the wondering that felt a 'bit' real.

[RJV]

Feel it's a story in the making, when is the next episode?

Having said that, you were looking for comment, soooo, although the initial description is fair enough I find having reread the intro, I skipped it the first time because that is not what I was looking for in a story...it was the character developement the began to intrigue me...the not quite knowing and the wondering that felt a 'bit' real.

Agreed re the intro. It is a little vague, which fitted with what I had intended to write, but not with what actually got written.

Cheers,

Rob.