'Of Future Heroism' Pt.3 - Spliting image

[silentWitness]

first an apology of Al who WILL get to comment on my story before release for the next one!!! right!

'Of Future Heroism' - Pt.3 Spliting image

I watched the Boron pilot softly grasping the controls with his suited tentacles, as I tapped my sweaty fingers against the chair, and wished that I was flying. It had taken out hours to get from Argon Prime to the outer regions of the Split held sectors here in Family Whi. Now we were just one gate from our contact in Family Zein. We crossed through the Split sector without incident but now we were being tailed by a Split fighter that my companion assured me was a Wolf.

"We scan you now!" The Boron did not seem to be worried by this.

After a moments delay the computer reported, "You are scanned by Split Wolf"

Suddenly I felt a tingling sensation as it passed over me. The Boron waited for a reply, it did not come...

The Boron flicked on the Comms "Is everything all right officer?"

Suddenly the Wolf slammed on its thrusters, and pulled away at maximum speed. I thought to myself, 'why is this Boron not doing anything?'

A thought crossed my mind, 'We've been double crossed, but he doesn't seem to care!'

On the scanners a Python changed course to intercept and was now speeding towards us at maximum velocity, in fact everything that looked like a fighter and could fly was moving towards us.

I softly screeched "Aren't you going to do anything???"

He gave me an arrogant look "Your impatience is beyond belief! I told you if we go any faster we'll attract attention!"

A suddenly felt fear spread across my entire body, "Don't you think it's a little late for that?"

The Boron looked at the Gravidar and his eyes widened as he realised his mistake. Pulling desperately at the controls he tried to increase the ships speed but it was too late the Python was on top of us! Something was pulling us back towards it! There was a sudden jolt which sent me flying forward into the console.

Awakening slightly disorientated, I noticed that I was wrapped in a soft bed of silken sheets. Reaching up, my hand felt the sore bump on my head and I wondering how red it must look. Trying to stand I grasped tightly onto the deeply engraved upright of the bed, but the room begins to tip and spin. Taking a few steps towards the door my legs suddenly felt wobbly and so I crashed down onto the floor. Suddenly people are all around me.

"I told you not to leave her unattended!"

Another voice replies "But it was only for a second!"

Strong hands lift me back onto the soft, welcoming bed, "Wait till the Captain hears about this!"

I felt something cold and soft being wiped across my cheek...

Waking up after the best sleep I've had in years, my head felt better and looking around my eyes take the time to admire the lavish decor of this enormous room. Blue and purple rimes are draped around the bed and the Chin family crest hung from the ceiling just over my bed. It obscured most of the ceiling and back wall and dwarfed just about everything else in the room. A guard appeared from one of the grand passageway and approached the bed. His skin was dark almost burgundy compared to my own pale skin. I pushed myself to the top end of the bed.

He bows low, "The Captain requests an audience with you"

Unsure of what is going on I slip myself out of the bed, expecting to be marched into some type of throne room, but a regal figure rushes across the floor and embraces my in a melting hug that almost sweeping me off my feet in the process.

He whispers softly into my ear, "Shhh.. Everything is all right now! You're home... Everything's going to be different now!"

Suddenly the bulkhead began to pull apart exposing a triangular observation window and the primary planet of Family Pride filled the viewing window, "Look you're home!"

The shuttle ride was a little bumpy but a real thrill none the less as the pilot let me handle the controls. We landed smoothly in the middle of a large Coliseum where the whispering was like the roaring waves on a beach. There was a sudden crash, like thunder and the room was quiet.

All I could hear was the soft hissing of hydraulics and the Chin family throne descended to ground level. Before the throne hit the ground its occupant jumped down onto the floor, "My daughter!" He cried as he held me. I didn't know what to think, it was such a surprise.

So much so I could feel tears building inside me and I looked deep into is eyes "Father?"

Even now I still don't know what to think sitting on the bridge of my very own Python and I am overwhelmed by it all.

Commenting more to myself than anyone else, "I need to find somewhere I can think!"

The helmsman replied, "Yes! Oh divine one."

I suddenly realised I was talking out loud and ask slightly puzzled, "Where are we going?"

The helmsman replied, "Where no one knows where you are!"

I looked around slightly perplexed but the helmsman looked back and smiled at me and then pointed at a sector on the map with a line into the uncharted territories.


Comments Questions?

[sai-ku]

Did Mercenary help you again!

It shows!

[Mercenary]

Did Mercenary help you again!

It shows!

Ummm...

What makes you think I helped??

SW.

Looking forward to seeing how this develops.

A few minor corrections that I missed...

"It had taken out hours" should have said "taken us hours"

"Now we were just one gate from our contact in Family Zein." Heving reread the following sentence and to avoid repetition of "now we", perhaps change this line to read, "It was just one..."

"A suddenly felt fear spread across my entire body" This would be easier to read as "A sudden feeling of fear..."


"Pulling desperately at the controls he tried to increase the ships speed but it was too late the Python was on top of us!" just add a word in here to say "...too late as the Python..."

"...but the room begins to tip and spin." Looking at the tense thing again, should read "... room began to tip..."

"Suddenly people are all around me." and again "..people were all.."

"I told you not to leave her unattended!"

Another voice replies "But it was only for a second!"

Strong hands lift me back onto the soft, welcoming bed, "Wait till the Captain hears about this!"

"embraces my in a melting hug that almost sweeping me off my feet in the process." Couple of mis-types should be "embraces me in a melting hug that almost swept me off my feet in the process."

Hmmm looks like a lot but they're minor mistakes.

[Al]

Looks like I'm too late again although this time it wasn't my fault (I'm blaming the forum being down )

Al

[Moss]

Apart from a few mistakes that have been pointed out the story continues to interest me, seems this mix of Argon and Split is related to the Patriarch then! strange stuff, hehe, what next?

[Al]

Hi SW

Better late than never. IN addition to Mercs comments:

Could you put an extra line or two to seperate out the natural breaks. e.g. between waking up in the Split place and then being on the shuttle.

Nothing else noticed.

One thing I do find difficult is the speed at which the story is progressing. One minute she has just woken up, no idea where she is or what happened, and the next she is a daughter of the Family Chin.

I would personally take more time to expand on the events that are taking place to give them depth. It should make the story more engrossing. At the moment, the story is progressing so quickly and without much detail, that I find it very difficult to grasp whats happening.

that said its still good and I hope these comments are of some use.

Al

[Moss]

One thing I do find difficult is the speed at which the story is progressing. One minute she has just woken up, no idea where she is or what happened, and the next she is a daughter of the Family Chin.

I would personally take more time to expand on the events that are taking place to give them depth. It should make the story more engrossing. At the moment, the story is progressing so quickly and without much detail, that I find it very difficult to grasp whats happening.

that said its still good and I hope these comments are of some use.

Al

After reading this comment and thinking about it, I have to agree with Al, the story is racing along at a cracking pace, and it wouldn't hurt to slow it down some fill in some of the characters and their backgrounds somewhat (where possible anyway!) it would certainly add to the depth and interest of the story.

Cheers.

[RustiSwordz]

Nice Silent as were pts 1 and 2.

Keep it up.

[silentWitness]

the next ones going to be a bit longer so I hope the plot speed slows down too...

Unfortunately it's a film thing, I'm thinking of two or three sub plots while the main story is going on you're only seeing the main plot and not the CG and great acting!


I'll hopefully be more like a writer next time!