I've been toying with the idea for some time to write something. So, that is the case, hence the thread.
The story isn't a DID, but I have been thinking about life of the X universe whilst going about my business in-game. I intend on using X as a frame-work for the story.
I do welcome critique, in which ever guise suits the reader. But, for those that do comment, I would appreciate what "why's" spring to mind, and what you would expect to discover as you continue reading.
If you do read and reply, then I really appreciate the time you've expended. But enough waffling...
He looked out at the expansive universe contemplating his untimely death; welcoming the sharp cold of the window that stung and numbed his cheek. Ro-gard exhaled submission, streaking a cloud of vapour across the window. He turned his back on the universe and slid down the wall wrapping his arms around his legs, chin resting on his knees. His eye's closed, memories of those he met, loved, hated, swam his thoughts. He pondered those he would never encounter, planets he would never venture to, he thought of all living things and wondered how it could be expressed that it's not just his that has ended, but that of all life - they just didn't know it yet.
A soft electronic tone cut through the brooding silence and the ships' persona announced, "Re-entering Argon territory, approaching sector, Argon Prime".
Ro-gard opened his eyes, awareness flooding his senses, hands pressed against the grated floor, pushed himself to his feet. Standing an inch short of six-foot, a slight yet strong body encouraged his sleeveless white under-suit to cling to his body, the leggings ending mid-thigh. Stale sweat wafted from his atire, wear and washing had faded it's true brilliance. He ran a hand through dark hair, matted with week-old dirt, grime-faced and thick bristly facial growth. Heavy lines hiding stories, experience and wisdom. To look at him, you would think he's approaching his middle-years and his presence, even with his present mind, suggests a man not to be trifled with.
"Ship?", he croaked. Head lulling forward, looking down at his bare feet, thick black hairs sprang off in all directions from big toes. The floor, hexaganol lattice metal-work reached across to all the walls of the cramp sleeping quarters. The windowed wall smoothly joined the ceiling and curved sharply from it's top to the opposite wall, which had a cavenous cubby-hole that served as a sleeping bay. A thin worn mattress and a shabby dark brown blanket suited the minimalist nature of the environment. Each of the adjacent walls held a metal sliding door, either revealing a sparse area to store items, or the exit to the rest of the ship.
"Yes Ro-gard?".
Ro-gard blinked, the dark metal interior, only softened by the sparse bedding, was in heavy shadow, save for the soft light penetrating the foot thick window. "Lights".
A counter-sunk light above the bunk flickered to life only serving to show the grimness of the room. The ship persona informed Ro-gard the ambient temperature is eighteen degree's, "Do you require extra heat?".
Tilting his head slightly back, he rolled his eye's upward and listened to the hum of buried electroinics. Twisting his neck, he glanced at the window. His late father had it fitted some time ago, after trading with a Teladi. The unusual properties of the material allowed it to always remain cold, unmarkable, and applying a small current turned the material obsidian black. No light could penetrate it. Ro-gard sighed, "Block the window, and the temperature is fine."
"As you wish Ro-gard." Answered the ship, "There is also the matter of what you aim to do once in Argon Prime."
Ro-gard continued to stare into the deep abyss of the now blocked window, despite it's perfectly smooth surface, it reflected no light at all. He was grateful for this new view, he didn't desire seeing out-side at this time.
"Ro-gard?" The ship pressed a little harder.
"Make contact with the trading centre, I need a drink." He stroked a hand along his jaw and pinched some stubble between finger and thumb, "I better get cleaned. I'll meet you on flight deck soon as." Hoping the remnant melancholy can be washed away, and not just appear presentable.
"Affirmative, I'll make contact now and begin docking procedure as soon as I have been given clearance."
Moving towards the exit, he paused, "Ship?"
"Yes Ro-gard?"
"You know, I'm gonna have to give you a real name sometime." Rubbing his fingers over his knuckles, "That soft assertive femail voice of yours has to have a name."
Only silence answered him. He noted it's always the same when bringing up any form of such talk. There was something about the ship when it refused to answer, as if it was hiding something.
The Bolon Collapse [wip] - critique welcome.
Moderators: TheElf, Moderators for English X Forum
-
doghouse
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Mon, 12. Dec 11, 10:21
The Bolon Collapse [wip] - critique welcome.
Last edited by doghouse on Sun, 18. Dec 11, 00:59, edited 1 time in total.
-
Gavrushka
- Posts: 8226
- Joined: Fri, 26. Mar 04, 19:28
I like it... Your style reminds me of Cider with Rosie by Laurie Lee; there are no objects, just their personal definitions...
I was close to disappointment when I saw the familiar words 'Argon Prime', as it seemed to offer an instant restriction on what comes across as a very fertile imagination.
I thought there were a few grammar oops throughout, but it did not detract from my enjoyment- I was surprised, as you use very complex sentences yet they hang together well and were easily readable.
And yeh, why not leave it with a question begging an answer...
Grrr...
I was close to disappointment when I saw the familiar words 'Argon Prime', as it seemed to offer an instant restriction on what comes across as a very fertile imagination.
I thought there were a few grammar oops throughout, but it did not detract from my enjoyment- I was surprised, as you use very complex sentences yet they hang together well and were easily readable.
And yeh, why not leave it with a question begging an answer...
Grrr...
-
doghouse
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Mon, 12. Dec 11, 10:21
I just read an extract of "Cider with Rosie", as I was unfamiliar with the book. Past the opening line, the first paragraph was delightfully written.
"Argon Prime", well, it's a means to tie the story with the X-universe. I also hoped the opening line of the AI was suggestive enough that the approach wasn't via jump-gates?
I'm actually unsure I want to bring the char. into X just yet though. So it could change.
Ha, I'm sure there are some error's. English was never my strongest point, and I remember one thing a teacher said, "drop the redundancy".
I'm glad you found it an easy read. One thing I am conscious of is (especially when reading) the rhythm of the text. I find if an author has an awkward rhythm, I find it difficult to read it, no matter how good the story is.
Thanks for you words though, and don't be shy to rip it a bit!
Right, off to read your revision.
"Argon Prime", well, it's a means to tie the story with the X-universe. I also hoped the opening line of the AI was suggestive enough that the approach wasn't via jump-gates?
I'm actually unsure I want to bring the char. into X just yet though. So it could change.
Ha, I'm sure there are some error's. English was never my strongest point, and I remember one thing a teacher said, "drop the redundancy".
I'm glad you found it an easy read. One thing I am conscious of is (especially when reading) the rhythm of the text. I find if an author has an awkward rhythm, I find it difficult to read it, no matter how good the story is.
Thanks for you words though, and don't be shy to rip it a bit!
Right, off to read your revision.
-
Gavrushka
- Posts: 8226
- Joined: Fri, 26. Mar 04, 19:28
-
doghouse
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Mon, 12. Dec 11, 10:21
I've have been revising the text, with the notion of either updating the original thread or just posting it.
When I've chopped, changed, etc. I'll plonk it up.
I do have notes for the story arc, etc; and I'm liking it. Which has made me thought I should create its own universe and shy away from X.
More fun that way, and less restrictive. I understand now why you said that when you first read 'Argon Prime'.
When I've chopped, changed, etc. I'll plonk it up.
I do have notes for the story arc, etc; and I'm liking it. Which has made me thought I should create its own universe and shy away from X.
More fun that way, and less restrictive. I understand now why you said that when you first read 'Argon Prime'.
-
doghouse
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Mon, 12. Dec 11, 10:21
Ok, same piece but revised. Removed more reduncancy and repetition (the latter a pet-hate, but there is still some to be worked on).
I also moved the dialogue around, so that the persona replied quick, and the descriptive text helped to add a pause before Ro-gard would answer and such. Hopefully creating a better pace?
I can't help thinking that this piece as the opening is somewhat 'boring' though; although I do like the opening line or two.
Not huge changes made, but hopefully, overall, it's better. Although I still don't think it's 'right'.
He looked out to the stars contemplating his untimely death; welcoming the sharp cold of the window that stung and numbed his cheek. Ro-gard exhaled submission, streaking a cloud of vapour across the clear-surface. He turned his back on the universe and slid down the wall wrapping his arms around his legs, chin resting on his knees. His eyes closed, memories of those he met, loved, hated, swam his thoughts. He pondered those he would never encounter, planets he would never venture, he thought of all living things and wondered how it could be expressed that it's not just his that has ended, but that of all life - they just didn't know it yet.
A soft electronic tone cut through the brooding silence and the ship's persona announced, "Approaching Origin Four territory, estimated arrival in ten hours."
Ro-gard opened his eyes. Unsure how long ago or when he got here, pressed hands against the grated floor and pushed himself to his feet. Standing an inch short of six-foot, a slight yet strong body encouraged his sleeveless white under-suit to cling, leggings ending mid-thigh. Stale sweat wafted from his drab attire. He ran a hand through dark matted hair. Grime-faced and thick bristly growth emphasized heavy facial lines of untold stories, experience and wisdom. To look at him, you would think a man approaching his middle-years and his presence, even with his present mind, suggested a man not to be trifled with.
Head lulling forward, looking down at his bare feet, thick black hairs sprang off in all directions from big toes. The floor, hexagonal lattice metal-work reached across to all four walls of the cramp sleeping quarters. The windowed wall smoothly joined the ceiling and curved sharply from its top to the opposite wall, which had a cavernous cubbyhole that served as a sleeping bay. A thin worn mattress and a shabby dark brown blanket suited the minimalist nature of the environment. Each of the adjacent walls held an auto-door, either revealing a sparse area to store items, or the way out.
"Ship?", he croaked.
"Yes Ro-gard?"
Ro-gard blinked, the dark metal interior, only softened by the sparse bedding, was in heavy shadow, save for the dim light penetrating the foot thick window. "Lights".
A counter-sunk fitting above the bunk flickered to life serving to show the grimness of the room. The ship persona informed Ro-gard of the ambient temperature, "Do you require extra heating?"
Tilting his head slightly back, he rolled his eyes upward and listened to the hum of buried electronics. Twisting his neck, he glanced at the window. His late father had it fitted some time ago, after trading with a Augman; renowned for bioengineering amongst other technological feats. The unusual properties of the material allowed it to always remain cold, unmarkable, and applying a small current turned the material obsidian black. No light could penetrate it. Ro-gard sighed, "Block the window, and the temperature is fine."
"As you wish Ro-gard." Answered the ship, "There is also the matter of what you aim to do once in Origin Four."
Ro-gard continued to stare into the abyss of the window, despite its perfectly smooth surface, it reflected no light at all. He was grateful for this view, he had no desire to see out.
"Make contact with the trading centre nearer the time, I'll need a strong drink." He stroked a hand along his jaw and pinched stubble between finger and thumb, "I better get washed.” Hoping the remnant melancholy would be washed away with the dirt and grime. “I'll meet you on flight deck soon as."
"Affirmative."
He checked his wrist-band, a simple black strap which served a greater purpose than the time observed. Being revived from cyrosleep early was a process he always followed. The catatonic state the technology induced was quite unpleasant to recover from. Early revival also gave him time to check over systems (not that he didn't trust the ship), as well as think about how to understand recent events. With such thoughts he felt better, a growing purpose.
“Affirmative.” He mimicked. “At least I made it out of cyrosleep in one piece.” Patting his chest and thigh's, exaggerating movements. He knew it was no joking matter. The entire process from cooling, preserving, and warming allowed no room for error; or a risk to cell damage could occur – leading to serious issues; probably fatal.
“I assume all systems are good?”
“As you know Ro-gard, I check systems continuously. If there was an issue, you would have been woken earlier than you asked.” Stated the ship as matter of fact. “I sense you are in better stead?”
“Not really.” Rubbing the back of his neck, “I better get going.”
Moving towards the exit, he paused, "Ship?"
"Yes Ro-gard?"
Fore-arm across his chest, a finger to his lips, he stared at the floor. Memories hazy, brow furrowed, “What happened back there?”
“Scanning logs yields no data. Although note, seven minutes and forty-three seconds are unaccounted for.”
A nightmare fades, that was how it felt. Distinct details gradually slip away, subtle, and then forgotten. But his mind held on tight, realization snapping at neurons, firing through consciousness, audible acknowledgement, “It happened.” Moving an arm to shy away from a hard knocking in his chest, he looked up expectant, “And you can tell me nothing?”
“If it eases your mind, the anomaly was real.”
Emotions oscillate, shifting images, remembering, intangible presence, warning, calmness, death. Confusion at a plateau, he swept thoughts to the side. Pain stabbed his palms. Looking down, clenched fists opened, hands shaking. Inhaling deeply, chest rising, he decided, one step at a time.
“Ship, I'll want to scrutinize the logs later.” Thinking there may just be something the ship missed.
“As you wish Ro-gard.” Ship's persona continued, “but I assure you there is no helpful data.”
Rubbing hands on thighs, he halted. Considering a perceptive pause in the ship's comment. “Ship?”
“Yes Ro-gard?
"You know, I'm gonna have to give you a real name sometime." Rubbing his fingers over his knuckles, "That soft assertive female voice of yours has to have a name."
Silence answered him. He noted it's always the same when bringing up any form of such talk. There was something about the ship when it refused to reply, as if it was harbouring a secret.
I also moved the dialogue around, so that the persona replied quick, and the descriptive text helped to add a pause before Ro-gard would answer and such. Hopefully creating a better pace?
I can't help thinking that this piece as the opening is somewhat 'boring' though; although I do like the opening line or two.
Not huge changes made, but hopefully, overall, it's better. Although I still don't think it's 'right'.
He looked out to the stars contemplating his untimely death; welcoming the sharp cold of the window that stung and numbed his cheek. Ro-gard exhaled submission, streaking a cloud of vapour across the clear-surface. He turned his back on the universe and slid down the wall wrapping his arms around his legs, chin resting on his knees. His eyes closed, memories of those he met, loved, hated, swam his thoughts. He pondered those he would never encounter, planets he would never venture, he thought of all living things and wondered how it could be expressed that it's not just his that has ended, but that of all life - they just didn't know it yet.
A soft electronic tone cut through the brooding silence and the ship's persona announced, "Approaching Origin Four territory, estimated arrival in ten hours."
Ro-gard opened his eyes. Unsure how long ago or when he got here, pressed hands against the grated floor and pushed himself to his feet. Standing an inch short of six-foot, a slight yet strong body encouraged his sleeveless white under-suit to cling, leggings ending mid-thigh. Stale sweat wafted from his drab attire. He ran a hand through dark matted hair. Grime-faced and thick bristly growth emphasized heavy facial lines of untold stories, experience and wisdom. To look at him, you would think a man approaching his middle-years and his presence, even with his present mind, suggested a man not to be trifled with.
Head lulling forward, looking down at his bare feet, thick black hairs sprang off in all directions from big toes. The floor, hexagonal lattice metal-work reached across to all four walls of the cramp sleeping quarters. The windowed wall smoothly joined the ceiling and curved sharply from its top to the opposite wall, which had a cavernous cubbyhole that served as a sleeping bay. A thin worn mattress and a shabby dark brown blanket suited the minimalist nature of the environment. Each of the adjacent walls held an auto-door, either revealing a sparse area to store items, or the way out.
"Ship?", he croaked.
"Yes Ro-gard?"
Ro-gard blinked, the dark metal interior, only softened by the sparse bedding, was in heavy shadow, save for the dim light penetrating the foot thick window. "Lights".
A counter-sunk fitting above the bunk flickered to life serving to show the grimness of the room. The ship persona informed Ro-gard of the ambient temperature, "Do you require extra heating?"
Tilting his head slightly back, he rolled his eyes upward and listened to the hum of buried electronics. Twisting his neck, he glanced at the window. His late father had it fitted some time ago, after trading with a Augman; renowned for bioengineering amongst other technological feats. The unusual properties of the material allowed it to always remain cold, unmarkable, and applying a small current turned the material obsidian black. No light could penetrate it. Ro-gard sighed, "Block the window, and the temperature is fine."
"As you wish Ro-gard." Answered the ship, "There is also the matter of what you aim to do once in Origin Four."
Ro-gard continued to stare into the abyss of the window, despite its perfectly smooth surface, it reflected no light at all. He was grateful for this view, he had no desire to see out.
"Make contact with the trading centre nearer the time, I'll need a strong drink." He stroked a hand along his jaw and pinched stubble between finger and thumb, "I better get washed.” Hoping the remnant melancholy would be washed away with the dirt and grime. “I'll meet you on flight deck soon as."
"Affirmative."
He checked his wrist-band, a simple black strap which served a greater purpose than the time observed. Being revived from cyrosleep early was a process he always followed. The catatonic state the technology induced was quite unpleasant to recover from. Early revival also gave him time to check over systems (not that he didn't trust the ship), as well as think about how to understand recent events. With such thoughts he felt better, a growing purpose.
“Affirmative.” He mimicked. “At least I made it out of cyrosleep in one piece.” Patting his chest and thigh's, exaggerating movements. He knew it was no joking matter. The entire process from cooling, preserving, and warming allowed no room for error; or a risk to cell damage could occur – leading to serious issues; probably fatal.
“I assume all systems are good?”
“As you know Ro-gard, I check systems continuously. If there was an issue, you would have been woken earlier than you asked.” Stated the ship as matter of fact. “I sense you are in better stead?”
“Not really.” Rubbing the back of his neck, “I better get going.”
Moving towards the exit, he paused, "Ship?"
"Yes Ro-gard?"
Fore-arm across his chest, a finger to his lips, he stared at the floor. Memories hazy, brow furrowed, “What happened back there?”
“Scanning logs yields no data. Although note, seven minutes and forty-three seconds are unaccounted for.”
A nightmare fades, that was how it felt. Distinct details gradually slip away, subtle, and then forgotten. But his mind held on tight, realization snapping at neurons, firing through consciousness, audible acknowledgement, “It happened.” Moving an arm to shy away from a hard knocking in his chest, he looked up expectant, “And you can tell me nothing?”
“If it eases your mind, the anomaly was real.”
Emotions oscillate, shifting images, remembering, intangible presence, warning, calmness, death. Confusion at a plateau, he swept thoughts to the side. Pain stabbed his palms. Looking down, clenched fists opened, hands shaking. Inhaling deeply, chest rising, he decided, one step at a time.
“Ship, I'll want to scrutinize the logs later.” Thinking there may just be something the ship missed.
“As you wish Ro-gard.” Ship's persona continued, “but I assure you there is no helpful data.”
Rubbing hands on thighs, he halted. Considering a perceptive pause in the ship's comment. “Ship?”
“Yes Ro-gard?
"You know, I'm gonna have to give you a real name sometime." Rubbing his fingers over his knuckles, "That soft assertive female voice of yours has to have a name."
Silence answered him. He noted it's always the same when bringing up any form of such talk. There was something about the ship when it refused to reply, as if it was harbouring a secret.
Last edited by doghouse on Thu, 15. Dec 11, 19:54, edited 7 times in total.
-
Gavrushka
- Posts: 8226
- Joined: Fri, 26. Mar 04, 19:28
DO IT!!!doghouse wrote: I do have notes for the story arc, etc; and I'm liking it. Which has made me thought I should create its own universe and shy away from X.
More fun that way, and less restrictive. I understand now why you said that when you first read 'Argon Prime'.
Please, as soon as you sully your work with the lore created by others your creativity is, by definition, inhibited.
When I started reading your words, I felt dragged within, expecting to be spat out as I reached the end... - As soon as I saw Argon Prime, I felt ripped from the story, but burrowed my way back in soon afterwards...
The opening, I now understand, serves a purpose... AND I always thought the opening would be a bit that churned stomachs and lost readers and so I sprinted to the meat... - DON'T... For the love of God don't... - Your intro is very entertaining, and foreshortening through insecurity will ruin everything... Say what you need, at the pace you are going- You have already earned my trust that the story is worth reading... - Don't betray your reader by missing out a section as you've deemed it boring!
I'll not be able to comment on technical revisions, it is not my forte.... I have help with proof reading as I have a tendency to see what I 'expect' to be there rather than what is.... It does make for some entertaining faux pas....
Okay next section!
-
doghouse
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Mon, 12. Dec 11, 10:21
*Salutes* Yes Sir!
I'm tapping away creating (what I hope to be) a believable future. Trying to tie in today as we know it, to the time set in the story. A time-line in a sense - more of a ref. i think and to help keep order. I'll see.
For example, I think i've nailed a believable back story for a working cyrogpreservation technique used on humans - which as a by product of it's development spurned a sub-human race (not sure the hard sci-fi fans will buy it though. *grins*)
Anyway, I'll add some dialogue in the first section, which I feel will add to the story. Something I want to do is develop the relationship between Ro-gard and the ship persona that threads through the story. There shall be a twist, as indicated by the end of the section of the story sumbitted here.
Lastly, and more importantly. Thanks for the advice. All noted.
Not sure when I'll get the next section up, as I'll be busy scribbling notes.
I'll probably edit the above post though and add in the dialogue and see what you think.
Thanks again.
I'm tapping away creating (what I hope to be) a believable future. Trying to tie in today as we know it, to the time set in the story. A time-line in a sense - more of a ref. i think and to help keep order. I'll see.
For example, I think i've nailed a believable back story for a working cyrogpreservation technique used on humans - which as a by product of it's development spurned a sub-human race (not sure the hard sci-fi fans will buy it though. *grins*)
Anyway, I'll add some dialogue in the first section, which I feel will add to the story. Something I want to do is develop the relationship between Ro-gard and the ship persona that threads through the story. There shall be a twist, as indicated by the end of the section of the story sumbitted here.
Lastly, and more importantly. Thanks for the advice. All noted.
Not sure when I'll get the next section up, as I'll be busy scribbling notes.
I'll probably edit the above post though and add in the dialogue and see what you think.
Thanks again.
-
Morkonan
- Posts: 10113
- Joined: Sun, 25. Sep 11, 04:33
There are two ways to look at it:doghouse wrote:...I do have notes for the story arc, etc; and I'm liking it. Which has made me thought I should create its own universe and shy away from X.
More fun that way, and less restrictive. I understand now why you said that when you first read 'Argon Prime'.
"Fan stories" are written all the time. There are even entire libraries full of work that has been done in a cooperative universe. (Dungeons and dragons IPs, Warhammer, Star Wars, Star Trek, DC and Marvel comics, etc..) If you decide to write one of those sorts of stories, you're going to have to stick to the setting, for the most part. But, unlike most fiction IPs, the X Universe has some broad bits of the setting that are not explored. Some are even "Game Conventions" that only make sense in a game environment. So, for instance, you can dump all of the suggested velocities for ships as those don't make any sense. Likewise, you can have things happening on a planet, since it's obvious they exist but portraying them in a game puts too much overhead on the processor. Things like that have holes in them that you can exploit in a story in order to spread your creative wings.
But, writing in a particular milieu won't let you have certain types of freedom. What if you want to collapse an empire, commit genocide, invent new technology or simply not have to deal with certain topics no matter how prevalent they are in the chosen setting? Then, it may be that you need to invent your own. The problem there is that inventing a setting is haaard... Coming up with interesting things in a setting to use as plot-points and story bling can be a bit difficult unless you're willing to slog through your creative mind, looking for tasty morsels of inspiration. In this case, you can use a setting similar to X Universe, but with unique twists all your own. You can copyright text, but you can't copyright an idea. So, keep some of the conventions, but loose the specifics.
If you really want to stay in X Universe to make the story more immediately appealing to forum members, that's fine. Just use a loose framework to build on and then dump all the rest out the window when nobody is looking.
If it's entertaining enough, nobody will mind.PS - If you want to kill off the Paranid, I wouldn't mind. Really. Seriously. Go ahead and do it... Please?
-
doghouse
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Mon, 12. Dec 11, 10:21
-
doghouse
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Mon, 12. Dec 11, 10:21