"Prime Numbers" - Chapter 6 - NEW PART ADDED 2/3/0

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"Prime Numbers" - Chapter 6 - NEW PART ADDED 2/3/0

Post by pixel »

Previous chapters on this forum :)

Just a start, need to finish the chapter later.....

EDIT - New part added under the ***** 8)

---------------------

Chapter 6 - The Apprentice

"pas preparee
a me cacher derriere des vitres teintes
pas assuree
contre les risques du metier".
Ysa Ferrer.

--------
"Nivick you old dog! Thought you'd never make it!" came a jubilant voice over the comm, it was Fredic's father in the Lifter.

"Sorry about the delay Vaalen, I'm introducing the boy to our little club", replied Nivick over the comm as he winked at Piotr.

"Piotr eh? About time he learnt about his uncle....and his parents. Glad to have you along boy!", before Piotr could say anything the other pilot continued. "Nivick, I'll rendez-vous with you back at base Beta, I've transported a jump drive and some cells to the Bayamon, punching out...now."

Piotr saw a glow emerge from nowhere which began to engulf the Lifter and the Bayamon he'd just captured, a few moments later both ships entered the now fully formed wormhole and sped from sight. In the shimmering afterglow of the jump he turned to face Nivick, his expression was grim.

"If you know something about my parents you better tell me now, old man."

The older pilot began to smile, but sensing that this might have made the atmosphere hostile his expression too turned serious.

"I will Piotr, I wish I could have told you before but the situation was too dangerous. But now...well now it is too late to worry about making things any more serious than they already are." Nivick began to punch in some codes into the ships systems as he spoke. "But, where we're going now, all your questions will be answered. Whether you like the truth or not."

Piotr recognised the now familiar glow of a forming wormhole enveloping their fighter.

-------

"Entering system, Bala Gi's Joy" announce the ship's computer.

"Home at last lad, some food and the answers to your questions"

Piotr sat numb as Nivick guided the ship on a course outside of the normal system space, on a course towards some red nebula gasses. As they entered the cloud Piotr realised that this might not be a good idea.

"Warning, hull at 95%"

The older pilot chuckled at the exporession on Piotrs face. "Don't worry lad, this helps to keep our base a little more secret than most".

A few moments later the sleek fighter emerged from the nebula cloud and advanced towards an asteroid one click distant.

A shaft of light appeared at the base of the asteroid, and Piotr saw docking lights flicker into existence, guiding their ship in.

"Welcome back Nivick", a women's voice came over the comm.

-----

The interior of the asteroid was much like any other docking bay. Except this one had more types of fighters than Piotr had seen before, Argon, Boron, Xenon and a few others he did not recognize, he did recognize the Lifter that Fredic's dad flew though, aswell as the Bayamon beside it which was swarming in maintenance droids. The ship sizes ranged from small scout ships to impressive heavy fighters. Nivick swiftly docked at an empty platform and opened the ship door as soon as the docking clamps were confirmed engaged by the computer.

"Come along boy, I'm hungry and I need a drink. Judging from the look of you, you do too". Nivick began to walk off.

Not knowing what else to do, and feeling apprehensive about what he'd got himself into, his earlier anger forgotten the young freighter captain tagged along.

Apart from a guard at the docking bay lifts, who gave Nivick a crisp salute that was returned as he passed, Piotr saw no-one on the asteroid base until they got to their destination, a canteen.

"Hey Piotr! About time you got to learn about all this my friend!". Fredic stood up from the table at which he'd been talking to his dad and moved forward to guide his goldfish impersonating friend to a seat. He poured a generous measure of Space fuel into a glass and set it before him.

"Drink that, then we'll talk."

******

As the fiery liquid scorched his throat Piotr held the empty glass to his forehead and reflected upon all that had happened recently. Just a few weeks ago he'd never have believed, in his wildest dreams, that he'd now be drinking space fuel on a secret asteroid base, deep within a red nebula in a lawless, pirate controlled sector. He'd never have believed that he'd be asking questions afresh about his long dead parents.

"We'll talk, Fredic?", he laughed, "I don't think so. I think you're going to talk. I think you're going to tell me everything, right from the beginning. What really happened to my parents...", seeing Fredic's look of surprise he slammed his empty glass back on the table.

"That's right, Fredic, my friend", he spat out the word, "your dad let slip something about my parents...and my uncle. Now talk, if you really are my friend, if the past ten years aren't all a ****** lie! Don't think I haven't remembered the ore run you sent me on that nearly killed me! Now talk dammit, I want answers!"

Piotr glared round the table in the silence following his outburst. He was, in his anger, glad to see that Fredic was looking down at his hands, ashamed. Even Nivick had been shocked speechless by the fury of his emotion.

After a few moments the woman made as if to speak but Fredic stopped her by raising his hand.

"No, wait Alhandra. He is my friend of all these years, I must be the one to explain things to him".

With the other hand he again filled Piotr's glass with the space fuel. He looked up into his childhood friend's eyes and sighed.

"I deserved that. I'm sorry. I'll start at the beginning, just as you say".

-----------

Piotr sat down on the bunk in the quarters assigned to him by Nivick. His head was swimming with everything that Fredic had said, and this coupled with the effects of the half bottle of space fuel he'd gotten through as his friend had spoken he really needed a lie down.

His father had come from a long and proud line of fighter pilots, this Piotr had known. What he'd never been told is that after his retirement, and before his untimely death of course, his father had joined an exclusive club of retired Argon Navy officers. What's more he'd never been told that this club wasn't a meeting place for doddering old men to exchange war stories, but was in fact an unofficial extension of some parts of the Argon intelligence service.

He lay his head on his pillow and before sinking into an alcohol induced oblivion thought about two more things. One, that his parents had been assassinated because of his father's involvement with the club. Two, that he, Piotr, was now to follow in his father's footsteps and join the club, despite never having been in the Navy.
Last edited by pixel on Wed, 17. Mar 04, 19:57, edited 8 times in total.
"I find your lack of belief in the Three Dimensionality disturbing." Mercenary

"So getting this chick back is more than just getting a chick back. It's the concrete manifestation of an abstract policy goal. And we like concrete - right, Vic?"

Red wine...the only way to frag
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Post by KiwiNZ »

Now that is about bl**dy time! I had almost forgotten about that story! :D

Good to see you got around to continuing your story, pixel. It took me a while to recall the previous events, so must have been ages ;)

Very good start of the chapter. I like the station and am eager to see what ships these guys have 'acquired' :D I do wonder what Piotr had gotten himself into there, well, I guess so does he.

Looking forward to the next part.
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Post by pixel »

cheers mate! :D

I'll try and add some more / finish the chapter tomorrow :) 8)

Kind of had a few brainwaves whilst taking a break. I'm going to have to add X2 elements like the new ship classes I guess.

But this chapter should go a long way to explaining events to now, but perhaps leave a few more questions to ask......? :wink:
"I find your lack of belief in the Three Dimensionality disturbing." Mercenary

"So getting this chick back is more than just getting a chick back. It's the concrete manifestation of an abstract policy goal. And we like concrete - right, Vic?"

Red wine...the only way to frag
Moss
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Post by Moss »

Nice to see this one continuing, I had almost forgot the previous events too.

So Piotr will soon be finding out a few things, looking forward to that myself and inparticular why and who attacked him when he first left Argon Prime.
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Post by SteveMill »

Imaginative and enjoyable. If only we could have our own asteroid bases in X2. :(

You need to check this out though.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/ ... tpass.html

The passive voice is a real killer for action fiction but it's also very easy to spot and correct once you know about it and coralling it's use to appropriate circumstances improves a story no end and enables you to pompously lecture other new writers. :wink:
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Post by pixel »

Thanks guys for the support!

@Steve Thanks, I know what you mean but am feeling a bit thick as I can't really spot it in this chapter......feel free to point out what you're referring to :-)
"I find your lack of belief in the Three Dimensionality disturbing." Mercenary

"So getting this chick back is more than just getting a chick back. It's the concrete manifestation of an abstract policy goal. And we like concrete - right, Vic?"

Red wine...the only way to frag
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Post by Al »

Good stuf pixel. Glad to see some more :)

Al
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Post by SteveMill »

pixel wrote:Thanks guys for the support!

@Steve Thanks, I know what you mean but am feeling a bit thick as I can't really spot it in this chapter......feel free to point out what you're referring to :-)
Piotr saw a glow emerge from nowhere and begin to engulf the Lifter
The lifter is the subject but it is passively acted upon by the glow when in fact the ships are active subjects entering a wormhole. It makes the sentence long and awkward and in doing so slows down the beat of the action and lessens the drama.

I submitted a chapter of Rogue to my undegrad writing group and it was pretty well received. The tutor highlighted the fact that I used short, punchy sentences to keep the action moving. Longer sentences can be used as a pause for breath in action sequences (like an empty alley in the middle of a Starsky and hutch style car chase serves to let the viewer anticipate the cars roaring around the corner) but in action stories like ours you need to keep the reader moving along and in this instance you take a dramatic event that should be conveyed with a cinematic edge and report it as an observation.

It's only a small point and you are right, there's not much of it in this extract but I offer the link as general as much as specific advice.

Apart from your aversion to the word 'he' (which I'm sure i banged on about in the past like a broken record :) ) as an alternative to repeating character names I enjoy your writing style and the character development.
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Post by Mercenary »

Good to see the new chapter.. :thumb_up: :wink:
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Post by pixel »

Thanks Steve, I can see what you mean but have decided to keep that sentence the same (albeit with a minor change :-) ) as I am trying to convey the scene through Piotr's eyes - ie. he does not realise, at first, that the 'glow' is being created by the Lifter.

I do value everyone's suggestions though.

E.g @Steve Hopefully you will have already noticed that I use 'he' more in this chapter than in previous instalments..... as it is an aspect of my writing that I have identified needs improving thanks to your feedback :-)

Edit: Thanks Merc :)
"I find your lack of belief in the Three Dimensionality disturbing." Mercenary

"So getting this chick back is more than just getting a chick back. It's the concrete manifestation of an abstract policy goal. And we like concrete - right, Vic?"

Red wine...the only way to frag
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Post by SteveMill »

pixel wrote:Thanks Steve, I can see what you mean but have decided to keep that sentence the same (albeit with a minor change :-) ) as I am trying to convey the scene through Piotr's eyes - ie. he does not realise, at first, that the 'glow' is being created by the Lifter.

I do value everyone's suggestions though.

E.g @Steve Hopefully you will have already noticed that I use 'he' more in this chapter than in previous instalments..... as it is an aspect of my writing that I have identified needs improving thanks to your feedback :-)

Edit: Thanks Merc :)
I take your point, I suppose I don't tend to picture jumping as something the wormhole does but as ships moving into it. And you're the writer. look forward to more.
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Post by KiwiNZ »

good second part. Piotr obviously either found his courage in the Space Fuel or lost his restraints :D I am looking forward to see what the story of his parent's lives will be.

:thumb_up:
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Post by pixel »

KiwiNZ wrote:good second part. Piotr obviously either found his courage in the Space Fuel or lost his restraints :D I am looking forward to see what the story of his parent's lives will be.

:thumb_up:
lol Kiwinz, thanks. :D

I think he could be described as 'an angry young man' :)
"I find your lack of belief in the Three Dimensionality disturbing." Mercenary

"So getting this chick back is more than just getting a chick back. It's the concrete manifestation of an abstract policy goal. And we like concrete - right, Vic?"

Red wine...the only way to frag
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Post by Moss »

I am wondering if this is the kind of club one can refuse membeship of? It just maybe he wouldn't want to go down the same road that killed his folks, and what then?
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Post by Silio »

ok i'm new to this story, but what the hell happened between the end of chapter 4 and the start of chapter5 :!: are we in for flashback sequences or will chapter 5 be a fast forward of the story to return later to that part, or will that part be deemed "lost in translation'' :?
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Post by pixel »

Silio wrote:ok i'm new to this story, but what the hell happened between the end of chapter 4 and the start of chapter5 :!: are we in for flashback sequences or will chapter 5 be a fast forward of the story to return later to that part, or will that part be deemed "lost in translation'' :?
Hi Silo, hope you're enjoying the story :)

To explain - the end of ch 4 we left Piotr who was finishing off his pilots licence simulation dogfight.

At the beginning of ch 5 we find out that Piotr passed his test and did pretty well.

I suppose it does kind of seem like a gap, but the gap is measured in minutes rather than days :)

I hope this clarifies it a bit :) and thanks for the feedback
"I find your lack of belief in the Three Dimensionality disturbing." Mercenary

"So getting this chick back is more than just getting a chick back. It's the concrete manifestation of an abstract policy goal. And we like concrete - right, Vic?"

Red wine...the only way to frag
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Post by Mercenary »

Now that Piotr knows about the club, I wonder if they'll let him not be a member? asI'm sure his gran wouldn't approve... :roll:

Nice insight into Piotr's character and looking forward to more. :D
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ahhh

Post by Silio »

i was just kinda lost for a while there and yes i do enjoy the story so far. good work man! and thanx for responding so promptly.
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Post by Nanook »

Great story and looking forward to the next installment. :)

I think Silio's confusion is from the typo in the title, which says Chapter 5 but should be Chapter 6. Chapter 5 is actually The Novice, right? :wink:
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Post by SteveMill »

Your writing gets better with every chapter. :D

Good stuff.

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