Styanar, a Teladi Babe in Tight Jeans...

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Fri, 10. Dec 10, 16:15

Chapter 1

Removed, waiting clarity regarding a technical matter.

NOTE ALL EDITS ARE COURTESY OF MARK_A_CONDREN

© Copyright 2010 Gavrushka All rights reserved.

Patholos · Post by **Patholos** » Fri, 10. Dec 10, 16:25

That's some good stuff right there.

Situational, humorous and believable.

And Styanars heritage made me actually think "WTH?"

mark_a_condren · Post by **mark_a_condren** » Fri, 10. Dec 10, 16:42

LoL, that would have given me goose bumps the size of oranges!!

Your not just going to leave it there are you?

MarCon

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Fri, 10. Dec 10, 16:52

You figured out I like tall women with claws yet? LOL

I had intended this to be a short story inspired by an electrician I had to call out this afternoon, but I do want to write more.

I'll write some more this weekend!

(Note this is set on our earth, not the X3:TC earth!)

Patholos · Post by **Patholos** » Fri, 10. Dec 10, 16:55

Gavrushka wrote:
(Note this is set on our earth, not the X3:TC earth!)

Yay, no gungho crazy lasertowers in low orbit!

mark_a_condren · Post by **mark_a_condren** » Fri, 10. Dec 10, 17:14

Gavrushka wrote:You figured out I like tall women with claws yet? LOL

I had picked up on that, yes

or should i have used this one ?

lol.

Gavrushka wrote: I had intended this to be a short story inspired by an electrician I had to call out this afternoon, but I do want to write more.

You didn't electricute them did you?

Gavrushka wrote: I'll write some more this weekend!

Good !

Gavrushka wrote: (Note this is set on our earth, not the X3:TC earth!)

Should make for some ... um... interesting content then

MarCon

Warenwolf · Post by **Warenwolf** » Fri, 10. Dec 10, 17:14

Interesting story.

Constructive Criticism:

Perhaps a more fleshed out introduction would be better? The character concludes that events of the last night must be a result of "of a mind unhinged by too many long hours trying to save the electrical wholesale business founded by his grandfather". Yet I am not convinced to why he thinks so - you don't create in the reader the feeling of tiredness, hopelessness and the mental strain that Ed feels which in turn makes him doubt his senses of what happened the evening before.

Also I am not a fan of writers making conclusions for the reader - let the reader come to the conclusion why something is amoral though your storytelling. Never tell them explicitly "entity/person x is evil".

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Fri, 10. Dec 10, 17:23

Yes, I accept both criticisms - The first one less so (in writer speak you are seeing me naked in pre edited first draft form)

The second one is a mistake of me going from Ed's musings to narration without getting the protagonist out of my mind. (Correcting now)

*Edit* - It is supposed to be his musings, I have referred to him for a second time now to make it clearer.

Master of the Blade · Post by **Master of the Blade** » Fri, 10. Dec 10, 17:59

Heh, this 'un looks like it'll be fun to read once it's done. Minor niggles you've already heard about aside,

.

e1team · Post by **e1team** » Sat, 11. Dec 10, 06:45

Very interesting. Wish I could have more brains to write something. I got so many ideas but can't express them

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Sat, 11. Dec 10, 08:54

Story edited, and a couple of typos corrected.

I read it back this morning and realised it was desperately overpaced to start with.

And yes the narrator lost his neutrality part way through, now put right, so he was shot and replaced with someone new.

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Sat, 11. Dec 10, 13:15

Chapter 2

NOTE ALL EDITS ARE COURTESY OF MARK_A_CONDREN

© Copyright 2010 Gavrushka All rights reserved.

mark_a_condren · Post by **mark_a_condren** » Sat, 11. Dec 10, 14:03

Now that i enjoyed very much, even though it made me feel sorry for poor Ed. Poor fellow can't even cop a break from an alien, lol.

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Sat, 11. Dec 10, 14:32

LOL, Alien women give me grief all the time, it's actually an autobiography...

Boundless thanks for the edits, which I have now implemented with but one or two exceptions.

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Mon, 13. Dec 10, 08:25

e1team · Post by **e1team** » Tue, 14. Dec 10, 12:45

Soo... The story has nothing to do with lore, timeline or whatsoever related to X games? Still, can't wait for more

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Tue, 14. Dec 10, 14:07

It is a pure work of fiction with some concepts taken from the X Universe.

It will hopefully raise a smile or two and help pass a few minutes here and there.

BUT at the same time I would appreciate critical appraisal or, as I said elsewhere, a good kicking if you think I deserve it.

e1team · Post by **e1team** » Tue, 14. Dec 10, 14:14

No kicking here. Boron are peacefull!
And personally I like the story. Sometime ago wanted to write a story the crosses two worlds: one is X-Universe one is EvE. But well... I'm not talanted to say the least.

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Wed, 15. Dec 10, 08:25

Gavrushka · Post by **Gavrushka** » Fri, 17. Dec 10, 16:12

egosoft.com

egosoft.com

Styanar, a Teladi Babe in Tight Jeans...

Styanar, a Teladi Babe in Tight Jeans...