Dogs Of Straw

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Ronin677
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Dogs Of Straw

Post by Ronin677 »

Hi ppl. Here is a small part of a short story i am working on. I would really like your criticism on my work as this is the first time any of my stuff has gone onto the public domain. Please be gentle :lol:

Dogs Of Straw


Tracing the trajectory of the Dog Star as it etched a wide circular path across the canopy of the Perseus, her eyes following the pin point of light as it winked in and out, obscured periodically by the canopy’s carbon/alloy frame. Ronin settled back into her seat, the soft leather momentarily giving way to the subtle curves of the Argon’s body. Closing her eyes she inhaled slowly, savouring the moment as the cool oxygen from the air exchangers entered her lungs, filling them to capacity.
“The waiting is always the worst part” she thought.
She opened her eyes and scanned the instrumentation in front of her.
“Target, lock and identify all new M3 class vessels entering the system” she said, as though to no one.
“Affirmative” came the cold response from the ships computer.
The preparations were completed, the SOP’s checked and verified and now here she was once again alone waiting for the mark.
These missions were her bread and butter and she had completed dozens of assassination missions previously, but she always got nervous leading up to task. Once the job was underway and the mark was in sector, the adrenaline would kick in and she knew she would not remember much until after the event. Still always the waiting though.
Ronin caught herself and brought an abrupt stop to the thoughts filling her mind. If she let them go unchecked she would work herself up into a panic, stopping your mind from racing took self control but did not always work. She shifted herself into a new position in her seat and readjusted the harness.
“Ok then people, what’s happening?”
Bringing up the HUD, she followed the paths of several freighters as they weaved their way across the sector. A dozen or so craft, mostly Mercury’s, were navigating within the system between the various stations. From her vantage point on the elliptical rim of the system, Ronin surveyed the comings and goings of the traders, their ships leaving faint trails behind them. Occasionally she had moments like this, where she would just sit and watch the lives of other people unfold around her, it was a calming experience and one not to be under estimated. The vents from an aging Discovery falter momentarily before bursting into life again and propelling the craft along its chosen path was again.
“Bet he’s been putting off getting that fixed” she thought.
She watched the Discovery meander its way across the panorama set before her. She laughed.

“Nova class vessel entering system at point 576.245, 876.481, 249.951.” The voice made her jump slightly in her seat. “Target locked” the computer continued.
Ronin scanned the proximity displays to her right, switched on the trajectory path projector and powered up the Perseus’s weapons.
“Warning. Power redirection from shields to ordnance. Enter to comply” came the feminine voice over the intercom.
“Negative, climate control to shields. Shields to Ordnance. Comply” barked Ronin.
Hitting the trajectory switch on the console, the Perseus swung gently around bringing the target reticules on the HUD in line with the nose of the craft.




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I think therefore I am
Graf_Grau
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Post by Graf_Grau »

A good start, a couple of minor corrections:
The vents from an aging Discovery falter momentarily
It's actually a discoverer
“Negative, climate control to shields. Shields to Ordnance. Comply” barked Ronin.
i would suggest using life support as climate control sounds either like a theromstat or a weather controller!
Ronin677
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Post by Ronin677 »

Graf-Grau..... Thanks for the comments. I feel a bit stupid as i flew a Disco around for months (then i get the name wrong :oops: )
i would suggest using life support as climate control sounds either like a theromstat or a weather controller!
I can see where you are coming from, and yes i think i will alter the text. The feeling i was looking for was a starting sequence for the drop in cabin temperature, but i think your suggestion would work quite well.

I will post more in the next few days. I am really getting a kick out of this 8)
I think therefore I am
Mercenary
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Post by Mercenary »

Hi Ronin,

Good to see another writer on the board. :)

Looking good so far :thumb_up:

Just a few quick things to watch out for.
Tracing the trajectory of the Dog Star as it etched a wide circular path across the canopy of the Perseus, her eyes following the pin point of light as it winked in and out, obscured periodically by the canopy’s carbon/alloy frame.
You use ‘canopy’ twice in reasonably quick succession. See if you can come up with another word or lose it completely as the canopy is still in context, i.e. ‘obscured periodically by carbon, alloy support struts.’

‘savouring the moment as the cool oxygen’ - conserve words, the second ‘the’ can be removed from here, which would help with the general flow of the story telling.

‘she said, as though to no one.’ – again, the ‘as though to no one’ can be dropped. She’s giving instructions, so it must be to someone or something.

‘She shifted herself into a new position in her seat and readjusted the harness.’ – just a word thing again, I’d be tempted to remove ‘in her seat’ as we already know from earlier that she’s ‘in her seat’.

Just one last thought. ‘shields are vital for survival in space’ so in a potential combat situation would it make sense to take power from them and put it into the weapons?


Looking forward to the next bit…
Ronin677
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Post by Ronin677 »

Mercenary - thanks 4 the remarks. They really are helpful. Initially the story was meant to be short but i am contemplating really going some where with the Ronin character and developing her and her world.

once again thanx ppl
I think therefore I am
Ronin677
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Joined: Thu, 5. Aug 04, 12:23
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Post by Ronin677 »

Well ppl here go's for the next bit. I have overlappd the story slightly to aid continuity.


Dogs of Straw (2nd posting)

Hitting the trajectory icon on the display screen, the Perseus swung gently around bringing the target reticules on the HUD in line with the nose of the craft. The cabin temperature began to steadily drop.

Ronin studied the ship highlighted within the target reticules, a metallic smudge caught within neon blue cross hairs, against the cold, blackness of space. The Nova slowed its velocity as it shot from its entry jump coordinates, liquid nitrogen streaming in long, white trails from the sponsons mounted on its wings. Sunlight momentarily caught on the Nova, creating a halo around the frozen hull of the craft.
“Hello my sweetheart”. She mouthed the words, her breath forming vapour crystals caused by the drop in temperature, as she pushed the thrusters forward bringing the Perseus up to cruising speed. Checking the weapons and shielding layouts, she passed her hand over the missile activation icon.
“Silkworm missile installed.”
“All systems go” she thought.
The Perseus glided effortlessly forward under the thrust from the recently serviced engines. The dulcet tones of those twin Luckhurst engines reverberated throughout the cockpit, creating an ambience against the insensate cabin atmosphere.
“Cancel trajectory”. Ronin swung the craft about its ‘x’ axis, the inertia carrying the hull through 90 degree’s, whilst bringing the mark above and to the right of Ronins’ line of sight.
The distance stations, freighters and the aging Discoverer started to slide out of Ronin’s perspective. A beat up looking Mercury began a long, slow manoeuvre bringing it into the Perseus’s projected flight path.
“Move out of the way girl, you don’t want to be around when this kicks off” Ronin mused.
Pushing forward on the thrusters caused the craft to accelerated, forcing Ronin backwards into her seat. The decrepit looking Mercury slid out of view on the starboard side in a tumbling fashion as it repositioned itself onto a new flight vector.
“Computer, target identification.” It was said without much feeling, as it had been said countless times before.
“Nova class vessel, serial number Golf_five_nine_Tango_Tango_eight_Alpha” came the reply.
She studied the vessel ahead of her before turning to the ships console.
“Specify Ordnance and weapons control status”.
Fingers crossed, if her gloves had allowed it.
“Front weapons mount 2 number Beta high energy plasma thrower, rear weapons mount not installed. Weapons control status tight”.
Bhepts were acceptable, Ions were not so good. At this moment in time things were not looking too bad, the mark was not expecting company. A brief smile passed over her rounded lips.
Taking the Perseus in a wide sweeping arc to bring her to a point slightly below and behind the Nova, Ronin gunned the engines forward and rolled the ship over to the left. Once again the inertia brought the craft about by 270 degree’s and left Ronin looking up at the plasma trails left by the retreating craft.
The proximity alarm sounded and Ronin glanced up at the Hud for confirmation, 9.9 km and closing.
Experience had taught her that the following mizura’s would be crucial, get the approach wrong and she could find herself floating home. The perseus was approaching the mark fast and the target would soon realise that his craft had been targeted. The apprehensive feeling she had been feeling sezura’s before had departed the moment the Nova had jumped into sector, and Ronin was now running on epinephrine. The hormone was rushing through her bloodstream, she could feel her heart racing as her metabolic rate increased. She had closed to within 3km and the target still had not reacted, could she be lucky with this one? She mentally pictured those crossed fingers.
The Nova veered slightly to the left and away from its predicted flight path.
Was the pilot aware of her?
Did he realise his predicament?
Ronin wasn’t taking chances. Inverting her craft through 180 degree’s, she pulled back hard on the control stick and watched the underside of the Nova disappear beneath her. The Perseus, now throttling hard to undertake the manoeuvre, came about. Ronin picked out the Nova as it passed over the rear of the cockpit towards the nose of her ship. Arching her head up and backwards she followed the path of the Nova as both ships found the same ecliptic plane. The Mark now sat at a similar velocity and heading as the Perseus and looking up, Ronin could see the light reflecting of the top of the target as the suns rays hit its metallic surface.
Once again she pulled back on the stick and the nose of her craft came in line with the Nova. She rammed forward the throttle to its extents and sunk even further into the seat as the Perseus reached maximum velocity. Arching her finger around and over the trigger switch on the control switch, she watched the distance indicated plummet towards zero. As the numerals pass 2km she depressed the trigger switch and felt the familiar shudder through the ship as the three alpha hept’s burst into life. She watched, momentarily transfixed, as three lines of plasma arced their way towards the target.
Whether the pilot of the Nova did not see them coming or he was just too slow to react was inconsequential as the three plasma streams pummelled into hull of his craft. Miraculously the Nova’s shields held and the craft veered violently to the right as the pilot rolled the ship over and backwards.
Ronin was almost on top of the Nova as it completed its roll. Inverting her own ship by 180 degree’s, she shot past the underside of the target watching the rear vents as they streaked over her head. Once clear she brought the Perseus back into a climb whilst drastically looking upwards for the target. As predicted the mark appeared over head and Ronin again unleashed a torrent of plasma from the three weapon mounts. The Nova’s shields, already weakened by the previous attack, buckled under the direct fire and the plasma started to rip into the hull.

It is strange to watch destruction such as the breaking up of a ships hull. Whilst it all happens in the blink of an eye, the mind for some reason manages to slow the whole process down, allowing the viewer to take in every single grotesque detail. The hull ruptures and starts to peel backwards as clouds of gas escape from the interior of the ship. Fissures appear along the joints in the structure as the loadings and stresses become too great. Then the inevitable happens as the fuel cells themselves rupture and ignite. All of this in slow motion whilst etching itself upon that tiny canvas we call a mind.

The Nova erupted in a spectacular ball of fire as gasses momentarily mixed with fuel. Closing her eyes, Ronin clenched in anticipation as the Perseus flew straight through the fireball, the three alpha hept’s still spewing out their deadly arcs of fire. A piece of debris, may be a wing tip or part of the hull, smacked into the canopy making the ships infrastructure shudder and shot away into the ether.
“Shit” the phrase came from no where, an automatic response.
“Unable to comply” the computers soft female voice seemed absurdly out of place at that moment in time.
Ronin opened her eyes and stared at the console in front of her, an almost stupefied look on her face. Her features creased slightly in puzzlement.
“What”?
“Please specify, unable to comply” retorted the computer.
For the second time that day Ronin laughed out loud. At moments like these she really like her life, somethings credits just could not buy.
I think therefore I am
Ronin677
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Post by Ronin677 »

Only me again. I have been working on this story overnight and have nearly completed chapters 1 + 2.

the route i have taken in chapter two though is to introduce Ronin as a person, her back ground, her feelings on her life etc etc.

I am not sure whether this is a good thing or not, as chapter two contains no action. Only life on board a station.

Any views on this ppl
I think therefore I am
Ronin677
Posts: 534
Joined: Thu, 5. Aug 04, 12:23
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Post by Ronin677 »

Hi ppl, this is the last part of Chapter 1. Sorry its been fragmented, something i will rectify in chapter 2

The debris cloud expanded outwards, particles twisting and tumbling within a kaleidoscope of multi coloured gas streams. The lone ship came about and the remains of the gas cloud, now turning from the initial blinding white flash into subtle purples and greens, came into view off Ronin’s starboard side. The scene looking surreal through the slightly frosted screen of the canopy.
“Scan for life forms within the debris field” she whispered.
Although she had completed several assassination missions for Tamworth, the aftermath of a confrontation always filled her with awe. Moments before, the mark had been alive, breathing, …. a living breathing entity with a life.
She let her gaze roam over the remains, which were now slowly emanating away from her current position. She could make out parts of an engine, the forward edge of the fuselage, the remains of a helmet…...
“No life forms present with 15.3km” The computer quirked.
Running her gloved hand over the console, she powered down her weapons.
“Warning. Power redirection from ordnance to life support, Verify to comply”
Ronin shivered slightly in the chilled environment of the cockpit.
“Yes, comply” she responded.
With a slight murmur the air exchangers booted up, as Ronin throttled back bringing the Perseus to a steady crawl. Taking a last look at the now rapidly dispersing wreckage field, she wiped moisture off the interior of the screen with the back of her glove, punched in the coordinates for Trinity Sanctum, sat back and breathed a small sigh of relieve.

In a small corner of the universe, on the outer rim of Hatikvah's Faith, a small cloud of gas particles, fragments of metals and alloys and the remains of a pressurisation helmet slowly floated away from each other. Light briefly shone off the smashed visor, a small stab of light in the stygian blackness of space. In the distance an aging Discoverer docked at the only Biogas factory in sector, eager to off load its shipment of energy cells.
I think therefore I am
Gvork
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Re: Dogs Of Straw

Post by Gvork »

Hey Ronin, enjoying this, keep it up.
Ronin677 wrote: Ronin settled back into her seat, the soft leather momentarily giving way to the subtle curves of the Argon’s body.
I'd change the "Argon's body" bit, possibly to "curves of her body" or "curves of her Argon frame".Just a thought.Cheers for the entertainment.
Gvork

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