X2: The Spoof

[Nyax]

Inspired by this site: http://ter.air0day.com/


Warning!! much of this thread will contain plot spoilers!!!



Part one. Part two to follow once written, (assuming anyone finds this amusing) Of course if anyone else wants to carry on feel free.

<Scene opens in a docking bay somewhere. Two guys in space suits are trying to steal an Argon Buster>

Brett: OK we have 5 menthols let's make this quick

<Meanwhile in the security office>

Overweight guy: We've spotted two guys attempting to steal the ship in bay 4... 4... 1... near the... toy shop... dispatch a.... ship... to intercept.

Brett: Ok we're in! <The Discovery dispatched to stop them appears> Damn that was never 5 mintolas! let's go!

<In two seperate ships Brett and Julian fly out of the strangely large station interior in a blaze of explosions and staggeringly poor frame rates>
Brett: They've got me! i'm loosing power! Get going Jules
Pilot 1: Damn this guys crazy on Steroids
Pilot 2: What the hell does that mean?
Pilot 1: Ermm....
Julian: I think i'll get captured as well now.
Pilot 2: Ok.

<Sometime later the prison ship Julian is imprisoned on is stopped by Ban Danna in command of the argon 1>

Ban Danna: Ah Julian my old friend welcome aboard.
Julian: Err thanks. Who are you?
Ban Danna: Ha ha! very funny my lifelong pal
Julian: But we've never met....
Ban Danna: well my friend I have a ship waiting for you and have arranged a job for you at Terracorp. Off you go.
Julian: Can i ask a question?
Ban Danna: By all means
Julain: Were you born this stupid or did you have to work at it?
Ban Danna: pardon?
Julian: Here i am a hardened criminal having lived my whole life commiting acts of piracy and now you're suddenly taking me out of prison and turning me loose with a ship. Why?
Ban Danna: wouldn't make much of a game if i didn't would it?
Julian: Fair point. can you let Brett go as well?
Ban Danna: i doubt that. He's a pirate.
Julian: What the hell do you think i am?
Ban Danna: Well i'll see what i can do. Off you go then friend-til-the-end
Julian: You're freaking me out now.

<Julian flys off to the Terracorp HQ>
Elana Kho: Hello. i run one of the largest corporations in the known universe. I'm up there with the likes of Bill Gates but for some reason i still do the assigning of simple delivery jobs...
Julian: Aren't you afraid i might steal the cargo you're going to give me?
Elana Kho: No. why should i be?
Julian: Maybe because i'm a convicted criminal and ship thief?
Elana Kho: Did i mention how good it is to see you?
Julian: Oh god not another one...

<Julian makes the cargo delivery, then returns to terracorp>
Elana Kho: oh it's fantastically good to have you back. I'm so ecstatic i'll tilt my head by 10 degrees while the camera sways about unsettlingly in extreme close up.
Julian: erm ok.
<She does this>
Elana Kho: ok for your next mission i'm going to give you a brand new passenger ship.
Julain: you're going to give a brand new ship to a ship thief? Is everyone in this galaxy thick?
Elana Kho: you'll need to take it to Atreus clouds to pick up an obnoxious Boron. You'll need to be back here in 72 Ministronis. Oh and my daughter will be there to. You can tell she's my daughter because we share animations.
Julain: She can't move an inch either huh?
Elana Kho: Yep.

<Later in Boron space>

Saya Kho: Hello. I'm interested in you.
Julian: Err... that's nice.
Saya Kho: I gather you're a pirate.
Julian: Yes. Apparently Pirates are the most trustworthy people in the X universe. Or so everyone is implying.
Mii-Ton: I'm going to butt in and be obnoxious now.
Julian: Please do.
Mii-Ton: You're all stupid, incompetant fools.
Julian: Good work.
Mii-Ton: Thanks.
Saya Kho: Well we'd better get back to terracorp. Oh no! 37 thousand pirates!
Julian: But this is Argon prime. The capital of the largest empire in the known universe, surely the system would be crawling with fighters and capital ships.
Saya Kho: Shut up! you're ruining the action.
Julian: Action? the ships got no guns!
<Suddenly a mystery plot device appears and blows all the pirates up>
Julain: That was lucky
Mii-Ton: I hate you all.

<2 or 3 Min'tcreams later>

Elana Kho: Welcome back. As gratitude for this mission i'm going to give you a gift. My first ship. It's falling apart and is absolutely useless. In truth i've been trying to get rid of it for ya-orikes now but noone will take the damn thing. Oh and you also need to go see Ban danna
Julian: But that guy creeps me out...
Elana Kho: Well he apparently has vitally important information for you.
Julian: Like what?
Elana Kho: something to do with a painfully obvious plot twist i think.

<2 msceuhfews later>
Ban Danna: Ah Julian, there you are my greatest friend in the universe
Julian: We've met ONCE!
Ban Danna: I have to tell you some shocking news about... Your father
Julian: PLEASE tell me he's Darth vader
Ban Danna: What? no he's the founder and owner of terracorp, an Earth fleet test pilot, and the player character in X and X-Tension
Julian: Woah! woah! My Dads a multi-millionaire? how come i wound up as a pirate then?
Ban Danna: Well your dad tended to sleep around. Girl in every station, that kind of thing.
Julian: EVERY station? Even the Boron ones?
Ban Danna: Yes. But don't worry,apparently your tentacles were amputated at birth.
Julian: I feel ill.

[masterkim]

Nice one.

Spoiler

Show

Personally, I would have blown up the bigger ship at the end,
f**k daddy, I never met him. 1 for 1 billion souls, a fair exchange.

[BDC]

Hehe.



I want to see how it ends.

[Scarecrow]

HA

[Constipated_Vigilante]

Nice, haven't seen anything that good. I see someone else shares my dislike of the "Zuran" time system...min'tcreams, menthols, screws...Maybe the tentacle thing would be explained by the tentacles growing out of your father at the end?... And I was kinda surprised the Argon Titan AND Argon One AND Argon Centaur AND Argon Mammoth AND the thousand Argon Novas didn't come to my aid in mission 2.

[FourFingers]

nice, i like it...

A little expansion and ya could make a plot for x-3

[esd]

hahaha!

Excellent stuff dude... let's see more!

[Aro]

Yep, funny stuff.

[Sagan]

ROFL!!

[XU Vagabond]

dude that rocks keep it up

[Chea]

More! MORE!!

[Howlingmad]

Crackin good laugh that!

[raliel]

[Miklatov]

Hahaha! Class act!

Especially like Ban Danna's overfriendliness

[proteus2]

Julian: Woah! woah! My Dads a multi-millionaire? how come i wound up as a pirate then?
Ban Danna: Well your dad tended to sleep around. Girl in every station, that kind of thing.
Julian: EVERY station? Even the Boron ones?
Ban Danna: Yes. But don't worry,apparently your tentacles were amputated at birth.
Julian: I feel ill.

Interesting question though, who is Mom?

Yah know, ever since being sprung from prison by the Admiral of the Fleet and good 'ole dad bribed half a dozen planetary judges to clear my record I'd really like to go visit her. Bring her flowers, ask why she never visited me in prison. Why she never told me I was the son and apparently sole heir to a multi-billion credit fortune, that sort of thing. (hell, if a single SPP can make a mill an hour on seta, think how much terracorp is worth after 20+ years.)

And how many half brothers and sisters have I out there? (que obvious plot twist for the expansion, evil tiwn and a twin peaks moment? Coulden't get any worse after all.)

Is an Earth man still genetically compatable with an Argon (how long have they been seperate species now?) Or would that explain why I walk funny in the cut scenes?

Or should I be calling Elana mom? (Two stranger in a strange land, last connection to home, both Earthfleet, all that jazz)

[2slow]

3:00 AM is not the time to read this. I've got tears running down my face and my jaw hurts from laughing so hard!

[SteveMill]

That is just SO funny - it's a shame no-one ran the transparently laughable plot past you beforehand!

[simonnance]

classic, WE WANT MORE!!!!

maybe a few puns on the character's names?

great stuff

[red_dragon_2k2]

absolute Brilliance mate you got to follow it through to the end ofr the plot was rofl

[Damar Stiehl]

Gwa haha! That's a keeper.