plz answer and be honest...

[vader146]

the vote doesn't seem to work 2 well so on my stroy the deep void a few questions and plz answer if you can.
1.It's gone downhill since the 1st part why d'u think this is?
2.Would it help if it was actually based in X Universe?
3.What d'u think of the story?
4.Why isn't it anywhere near as popular as every other story here?
5.Should I start a new staory and if I did would any1 bother to read it considering the unpopularity of the deep void?

[pixel]

the vote doesn't seem to work 2 well so on my stroy the deep void a few questions and plz answer if you can.
1.It's gone downhill since the 1st part why d'u think this is?

I think it's ok, but to be honest find it hard to get into as the text is in one big chunk. You need to use paragraphs and spaces in between them.

2.Would it help if it was actually based in X Universe?

yes, this is the game forums afterall!

3.What d'u think of the story?

interesting but hard to get into (see above)

4.Why isn't it anywhere near as popular as every other story here?

probably 'cos of the above points

5.Should I start a new staory and if I did would any1 bother to read it considering the unpopularity of the deep void?

Your story is not UN popular just not widely read.

You just need to organise the layout of your story better. From what I have seen of the replies to your stories people DO like it, but they all say the same thing - sort out the layout.

I know iot seems silly to bang on about the layout when it is the story that is important. But if people have a hard time reading it they wont bother.

Layout is part of the story, it breaks it up into digestible chunks that keeop the focus of the plot.

If you want I'll take your first chapter and arrange it as I think it should be laid out so you can see what I mean......

[vader146]

if you could take the 1st chapter and do the layout like you said to show me that would be great thanks 4 the advice.

[pixel]

ok, doing now......

[pixel]

THE DEEP VOID.

Chapter One - Part One

Attack on the Remera



“Commander we’re picking up a signal on our radars.”

“Let me see.” The commander of the science research centre Remera walked over to the radar which a young man, around seventeen, was sitting at.

“What do you think it is father?” asked the young man of the commander who was now standing next to him leaning on the stainless steel control panel.

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I TELL YOU, DON’T CALL ME FATHER ON THIS STATION!!!”

“Sorry, sir.” Murmured the young man feebly.

The commander stared at the radar again for a minute, then he turned his back on his son and walked over to a broadcasting system.

“This is the research centre Remera.” The commander spoke loudly and clearly into the microphone. “Identify yourselves.“

The young man who was the commander’s son wandered why his father was sweating so much.

No reply came.

The commander spoke into the microphone again speaking exactly the same message.

And again no answer came.

“What the…”, the young man gasped and stared at the radar in disbelief. Another fifty ships had just appeared on the radar. Another man, aged around thirty, flicked a switch on the control panel and a large screen appeared on the wall of the circular room.

“BLOODY HELL.” Exclaimed the commander’s son. For fifty large heavily armed destroyers had appeared on the screen. Another man, there were around 15 in the room all together, flicked a few switches on the control panel.

“Engaging primary weapons systems, sir!” He informed the commander.

Then the commander spoke in a slow, cold voice, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.”

All the men in the room turned their heads to the commander in disbelief, and all of them were horrified to see that he had pulled out a gun. He turned the gun to each of the men in turn and shot them all. Finally he was left facing his son.

“Please...father”, stammered the young man.

“I told you never to call me father on this station”, said the commander in a whisper.

He turned his back on his son and only when he reached the door did he look back.

“I’m going to lock the door”, he informed his son, “and if you’re half the man I am you’ll find a way out before this place is blown up.”

“I’m twice the man you’ll ever be”, the young man said through gritted teeth.

“Not nearly as rich though”, retorted his father.

The commander pulled out two test tubes.

“Thirty million for these”, he said, and with that he locked the door and shouted, “I’d guess you have around five minutes”. The commander walked off.

The young man was now beginning to panic. He looked at his watch.

“Only five minutes”, he muttered to himself. He looked around in desperation. Then he saw it his only possible way out. He ran over to a cupboard and opened it. He yanked out a plain silver space suit. He fell over a couple of times in his hast to put it on.



Meanwhile the commander was climbing into an escape pod. He was just about to push the launch button when a technician rapped on the window.

“Excuse me sir but where are you going?” The technician asked.

For a moment the commander considered pulling the gun on the technician but then said through the glass, “Urgent business on Necreminia, unavoidable I’m afraid.”

The technician considered for a minute and then replied. “Well, work troubles us all, have a nice trip sir.”

The technician stepped clear and the commander pressed the launch button, ‘of course nobody else knows what’s going on out there yet, the “enemy” haven’t even fired a single shot’.

Necreminia was one of the main industrial planets in the Sonataha system. It was just a minute or two now until he would be getting paid. With this thought the commander smirked.

[The_Abyss]

Nice work pixel - formatting the speech and dialgue is essential, especially when reading on a PC screen I think.

[pixel]

I know I haven't done anything mucch but hopefully you can see it is easier to read like that.

I changed some grammar right near the beginning to make it clear it was the son, not the commander, talking.

Also, you could try and use names or job titles (eg the tactical officer, weapons sub-systems technician etc) instead of 'another man' or 'the young man' as it gets confusing.

Having read it properly I have to say it is an interesting storyline.

edit: I also corrected 'starred' to 'stared'

[vader146]

damn u were right that is a lot better
thanks again

[pixel]

damn u were right that is a lot better
thanks again

hth

[vader146]

I'm gonna keep this story non x universe related but will make it shorter than origionally intended so i can start a new story sooner that is x based

[Triple-F]

Go for it

[vader146]

i suddenly feel a lot more confident than earlier 2day

[pixel]

i suddenly feel a lot more confident than earlier 2day

glad to hear it. Try redoing your story with a layout - people will give more feedback

[FourFingers]

Ditto!

It certainly reads easier now
much better on the eyes and looks readable.

[vader146]

i'll do a new layout 4 every part now

[raliel]

one option would be to write it in a good font as a proper story format
on your own webspace ( you could make it as long and itnteresting as you like include illustrations headings etc ) and make a link to it here
instead of flowing the whole thing into the message box... I dont think anyone else has done this yet...
the story itself is fine.... I apologise for not commenting much.. but I am better with images than words

[SteveMill]

Bugger - had a big post written and lost it.

Short version - forgive abruptness, just assume I'm a reasonable, non-pontificating human being.

New format makes it more readable.

You write with energy and do good dialogue - you should keep on writing.

Your story does not establish background and context and so leaves the reader floundering, we have no idea of what 50 destroyers look like or signifies for instance. Why not plan a 12-18k X-Universe novella instead, it would keep more readers and minimise the background detail?

Writing is a craft as well as an art - words are your tools and like chisels and planes there are known ways of using them - craft techniques that if learnt can give you a head start.

If you learned how to recognise and eliminate the passive voice, how to construct and utilise a driving premise and how to establish and use the central conflict you'd be immediately well ahead of the game.

Check my web site for reviews of things I found useful.

My college creative writing tutor, a published author, recommends most of these very highly. I wish I'd read them before starting Rogue. He's driven to distraction by the stubborn refusal of his students to take this on board.

Your local library may have some of them. If you pm me with an email address I have a couple of free pdf's that might also be useful. (Same goes for anyone else who might be interested)

Anyways - keep it up.

steve

[vader146]

im a bit of an idiot so i didnt understand most of that but i'll check your site and thanks for teh compliments.
like i sed earlier i'll keep writing this as non x but make it shorter than 1st intended and then do an x story.

[SteveMill]

im a bit of an idiot so i didnt understand most of that but i'll check your site and thanks for teh compliments.
like i sed earlier i'll keep writing this as non x but make it shorter than 1st intended and then do an x story.

No - you're not an idiot mate, there's no reason why you should know any of those things. But they are things every writer has to know and when you read about them it's a forehead-slapping 'but of course' moment.

I know about them because I've been pointed at the right things by people who know what they're talking about.

Keeping it short & starting an X story sounds like a good plan.

steve