The Renegade.

[Sleeper Service]

The old man stood on the Brigde of his one and only love. It was a huge ship, painted [with some effort] jet black. It drifted through the void like the current of a river. The old man lay back, his mouth was dry, but he relised his death was near there would be no need for such comforts soon. He looked down at his brigestaff, he knew they all felt the same. It had been thirty Jazuras ago, around the time of the Khaak wars, he had singed up to the Argon military with a burning desire to serve and protect humanity, the old man allowed himself a deep and broken snigger. He remembered his first posing, on the Argon one, a very exiting post for a man of his limited experience. He was a discoverer pilot running dangerous recon runs, he moved up the ranks fast, his combat skill unmached. Within ten Jazuras he made captain, that was the fist time he saw his baby. The ''Truth''. A Titan class armed with the very best weaponary and a squadron of fighters. He spent nine Mazuras going through the motions of a good commander. But it was always at the back of his mind, Truth was calling him, begging him to relese her power. He cracked. He ordered his helms officer to fly to a small new Argon sector a place called ''Bret's memorial''. It did not take long to decimate, he met almost no resistance. Apparently his crew had also heard the Truth's voice, they blew thouthands of innocent men to dust without so much as a whimper. They got the people they captured to biuld an automated shipyard from plans they tortured out of a official from a trading station they ramsacked. By the time Argon Prime had heard of the rebellion, they had a huge fleet of novas, a carrier and a squadron of M6s. But the gem of the fleet was the Huge,black Truth sitting like a spider in the middle of her web of powerful warships. But just as the fleet was reaching completion, his nemisis, Ban Danna in the Argon One came storming out of the west gate a fleet at his heels. The battle was long,many men died, and the pirate fleet was smashed, they simply could not make up the numbers. He rembered the sight, a thousand flaming balls of plasma searing the hulls of a thousand different ships, huge balls of white heat flareing up in the places of ufotunate pilots, the ocassional white flash of a cap ship's reactor overloading and ripping the ships flesh from its metal bones. He loved it, she loved it. Eventually battle faded he activated the Truth's jumpdrive and warped to Brennan's Triumph. Few of the pirates joined him and those who did were badly damaged. He and the remminant of the pirates spent the next twenty jazuras picking off lone TL's and raiding convoys. Then one Mezura ago Danna had steped in agin destroying all the new forces he had aquired. The Truth wanted Danna and he was powerless to resist, he knew it ment death but he was powerless. So here he was The Renegade in the smoking ruins of ''Home of Light''.
''Sir, all fighters preped for combat. Awaiting your order.'' A voice crackled over the intercom.
''Good! We will have revenge!'' The words rang through the brige their understated meaning reaching the ears of the veteran crew and filling their hearts with ice. Truth drifted through the north gate.
''Ahh Berius, I was wondering whene it would come to this'' The hated voice of Ban Danna cut through air.
''I swear Danna I will have your blood!''
The two ships drifted toward each other ready for the clash, suddenly energy ripped through the air, the Truth's sheilds burned and writhed. Berius Trimosn wached with relish as the Argon one's sheild was stripped away. Both ships unprotected wrestled in space. On the brige of the Argon one huge splashes of sparks and flame exploded around Ban Danna, a gash across his foehead bled for his sins. Berius felt the pain of his ship as it burned his screams spattering blood around the burning tomb of his brige. It was an awesome sight, the two ships ripping chunks out of each other in a blaze of burning blue. The support crusier ''Sight'' arrived just in time to see the explosion, a behmoth cloud of lilac flame expanding outwards from the gladitorial ring, leaving behind it the crippled wreck of the Argon one.
No trace of the ''Truth'' was ever found, apart from the incinerated corpses of its crew. Ban Danna the hero of a thousand battles was found dead in the charred Brige of the Argon one unburnt but bleeding from many wounds. The Renegade had his revenge.


My first try, any good?

[KiwiNZ]

Not a bad start. Fascinating to read but in some parts a tad confusing, in particular around the first mention of Ban Dana. It kind of reads the Truth is part of the fleet that has come to destroy the Truth. Also, if you throw in sudden shield failures you may want to satisfy the reader's curiosity as to why

Last but not least, try to format the text a bit more -> paragraphs make it easier to read.


Anyway, I did enjoy reading it and encourage you to keep going! :thum_up:

[Moss]

A bit short and rushed. Could make a very interesting short story of several chapters (or more) with more background on Berius included, and what lead upto these events, that would make it much better, some fill-in history as to why he turned renegade inparticular.

The begining upto where The ''Truth'' is mentioned is fine, it then just jumps too far ahead and the last two battles could easily last a chapter or two.

If this is just an idea for a story, or a short story then it is good, if so, go for it! if it is the story.. well as said, far to short and disjointed.

As KiwiNZ says paragraphs would be nice.

It is interesting, but too much is missing.

[Sleeper Service]

thanks, hmm, i do admit it was rushed, probaly beacause i often get ideas that i have to put down and dont give enough time to think through the ideas. I think i might revise it. Thanks for the comments.