The Deep Void - Chapter 4- Part 1

[vader146]

Hope you enjoy it. feedback welcome as usual. And for yuo action junkies I'll try and get a bttale in soon.
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CHAPTER 4 – Family and Friends

‘The Phoenix’ glided effortlessly through space towards its destination. All system were normal and we had met no hostiles.
It had been three hours since we had left the space station and we had both settled comfortably in our new ship and were now sitting at table having a game blackjack with a complementary pack of cards.

It wasn’t the most interesting of games but then you couldn’t really expect anything more from a game with only two players.
I wasn’t really concentrating on the game anyway, I was more thinking of what the commander had said to me just before we had undocked.

Ryzon…what was that? To be worse than the Remera it must have been something catastrophic, almost unthinkable.
I had been resisting the urge to talk about it with Saint as I knew, whatever it was, it would bring back bad memories. I couldn’t keep it in forever though; the mounting urge would eventually erupt out of my mouth. Better get it over with.

“Saint?” I asked as I took another card. “What’s Ryzon?”

He stopped staring at his hand immediately and looked slightly angry. Then his face softened again.

“There was a problem on a space station once.” He replied.

“Why? What happened?”

“Lots of people were killed, the government tried to cover it up.”

He took another card, trying to act normally but I could see the look of sadness in his eyes.

“I heard from the commander that you were involved.”

Saint looked up at me.

“He told me you were one of two survivors.” I continued.

“I was one of three survivors. The commander doesn’t like to mention it but he was on that station also. He got off with another man, Jim Stevenson I think his name was.”

“Jim worked on the Remera.” I told him.

“Oh how is he?”

“Dead!”

“That’s unfortunate; he was quite a nice guy. We were friends for a while but certain things broke that friendship.”

“Really? What happened?”

“We had an argument.” Saint replied. “We went our separate ways, he obviously ended up working where you were.”

“So,” I began cautiously, “what exactly was Ryzon?”

“I’d rather not talk about it!”

“Come on it’ll help…”

“I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!” Saint yelled, as he slammed his fists on the table.

“Sorry,” I said quietly.

Saint stood up and marched quickly out of the room, dropping his cards on the floor behind him. He went through the door leading to the sleeping quarters and the door slid closed silently behind him.

I sat motionless in my seat in my seat for a few minutes reflecting on what had just happened. I hadn’t realized I had said anything wrong. Maybe I should have stopped talking earlier. He wouldn’t come out until we reached Solsar now. At least it gave me time to reflect.
I put my head in my hands.

“God I’m such a dick!” I said to myself angrily.

I began to pack the cards back into their box and then stood up to collect the ones on the floor. I slid open a drawer and put the cards in it.
I looked out of the large front window into space. It was beautiful. The many stars dotted the dark sky. Many colours splashed the scene, black, navy blue, dark purples, and hints of emerald. It was as though someone had painted a beautiful picture one glass pane.
I sat down in one of the comfortable chairs still looking at the picturesque view, allowing the autopilot the change course slightly every now and then, changing the scene to one just as perfect as the last.
I drifted of into a sleep; it was not so peaceful there.

I rushed through a narrow corridor, I must warn them all. The station shook violently.
‘No they’ve hit us.’ I thought.

The Remera blew up, pieces of metal and flesh flying all around me. I span though open space. Faster and faster, I was going to be sick.
Then I landed in a room. An empty room with lights shining on me. Someone appeared in-front of me, my father.
“Why?” I asked him.

“You don’t need the virus.” He answered.

“I do give it to me it’s not right.”

“You’re pathetic.” He snarled.

He pulled out a gun a pointed it at my face. The shot was fired and the beam came towards me. Just before it hit the scene changed again. Saint stood in-front of me.

“He was right,” Saint told me, “you are pathetic.”

He held the virus in his hand. He took off the lid and swallowed the virus. Then Saint turned into me and I smirked at myself.
“You know they’re right, do what you were meant to do.”

I awoke in the chair yelling. I stopped immediately and panted, sweat running down my face. Saint sat in a chair at the other end of the room looking at me. He wasn’t concerned, but at least he wasn’t still angry.

“You should take sleeping pills.” He said.

I nodded and looked at the large window as I had done in the moments before I fell into my nightmare.
In the distance was a planet. Perfectly round with an asteroid belt surrounding it. It was Solsar. Almost completely blue with water save for a few islands, each around the size of Greenland.
The planet was almost double the earths size and all land was completely covered by city.
No green could bee seen from space. Only dark patches witch in the evening twinkled with light.

“That Solsar?” Saint asked.

“Yes.” I replied. “We should be there in a few minutes. Set course for docking ring A.”

Saint turned to the control panel and pressed a few buttons before turning back to me. We looked awkwardly at each other.

“About earlier,” I said, “I shouldn’t have pushed you for information like that.”

“Doesn’t matter,” replied Saint, “I shouldn’t have shouted. Who knows, maybe some day I’ll tell you about Ryzon.”

I smiled at him, and he smiled back. The argument was forgotten and we concentrated once more on the business at hand. We were approaching the docking ring rapidly.
A voice came over the intercom.

“Please identify yourselves.”

Saint pulled the microphone over his head and spoke clearly into it.

“This is ship HF-30125 belonging to the US navy. We have come to visit friends and collect a crew. Do we have permission to dock?”

The voice on the other end and to think for a few seconds. She didn’t like the sound of the US navy in British territory. However we were posing no threat so the voice replied,

“Permission granted please proceed to Docking Ring A, destination Leeds Island.”

Our ship glided toward the 1500 meter wide ring. It loomed ahead of us like the jaws of death, far larger than any mobile ship I had seen in many years. As we slid into the giant metal portal ‘The Phoenix’ instantly zoomed downwards before stopping merely 500 metres or so above a landing area.
Another voce came through telling us to land on platform number nine.

Saint moved the ship into position over a giant metal slab with a giant red 9 painted on it. He then lowered the ship gently and with a slight bump we landed on the planet.
The exit door opened and we stepped down into the landing area. A man in an orange jacket came over to us.

“PLEASE FOLLOW ME!” He yelled over the noise of ship engines and repair machinery.

He led us into a large room full of people. Parents were yelling at children. Adults were complaining at desks and signing forms. Some people lay sleeping on uncomfortable looking sofas and chairs.

The room was large but quite bare. Many desks lined one of the walls of the steel room whilst on the other side were the many hard chairs and sofas. The other two walls were taken up by doors, one side leading back to the landing area behind us and the doors on the opposite side leading to the bustling streets outside.

“Just go to one of the desks and fill in a form. They’ll need your ship details, your names and how long you intend to stay.”

With that the man walked back out into the landing area and Saint and I were left standing amongst the bustling crowd.

“I’ll fill in the form.” Saint said. “You don’t know the ship details. Just wait on one of those chairs.”

I nodded and walked off to the chairs whilst Saint went left towards the desks.
It took a while to find a chair and when I did find one it was, as I had thought, hard and uncomfortable. The metal skeleton pressed against my back and ass through the thin, grey padding. It smelt strange to, a bit like a baby had thrown up on it recently.

I sat there for a few minutes thinking about my nightmare. It had been very strange but the last part had bothered me. Did I subconsciously think my father had done the right thing?
‘No,’ I told myself, ‘that’s stupid.’
But all the same it was hard to ignore. I sat there a few minutes thinking about this and then realised saint was standing over me.

“Ready to go?” He asked.

I nodded and stood up, relieving my backside. We made our way slowly across the room towards the exit amongst the many yells and complainings of those around us. Eventually we made it and were hit by the heat of the two bright suns in the sky.

The streets were busy, the stalls were selling, the people were talking and all were happy, but above all I was home.

[KiwiNZ]

Very good read. Looks like we might be seeing some action soon. Must admit Saint walking off by himself to fill in the forms felt a bit strange. But I guess that is just my paranoia

Looking forward to the next part.

[vader146]

It is just your paranoia. Only reason he went off to do it himself was because he knows the ships details and Steve doesn't yet.

[vader146]

Any more feedback???

[SteveMill]

I

looked out of the large front window into space. It was beautiful. The many stars dotted the dark sky. Many colours splashed the scene, black, navy blue, dark purples, and hints of emerald. It was as though someone had painted a beautiful picture one glass pane.

A bit stacatto - short sentences make for tense. Maybe a well crafted phrase with a striking image is needed here, building on the stained glass image?

Like the dream sequence - effective.

“Just go to one of the desks and fill in a form. They’ll need your ship details, your names and how long you intend to stay.”

With that the man walked back out into the landing area and Saint and I were left standing amongst the bustling crowd.

“I’ll fill in the form.” Saint said. “You don’t know the ship details. Just wait on one of those chairs.”

You don't need to keep mentioning chairs and desks. Referring to them makes it sound like an adult talking to a child.

Generally excellent!

[vader146]

Hmmm...the reading views seems alot lower for this part for some reason!

[vader146]

Seriously how come views are so much lower than usual for this part?

[SteveMill]

“Saint?” I asked as I took another card. “What’s Ryzon?”

He stopped staring at his hand immediately and looked slightly angry. Then his face softened again.

“There was a problem on a space station once.” He replied.

You can cut out speech attribution in a lot of cases.

“I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!” Saint yelled, as he slammed his fists on the table.

We can see he's yelling.

Saint stood up and marched quickly out of the room, dropping his cards on the floor behind him. He went through the door leading to the sleeping quarters and the door slid closed silently behind him.

This is a dramatic moment - you need to invest it with a little punch, using action words and investing it with emotion. Short sentences and general brevity to heighten the shock. As a general rule (I'm belatedly informed) incidents should always be reported consecutively and in sequence so discarding cards AND then leaving.

'Saint hurled his cards to the floor and stormed out to the sleeping quarters. The door hissed shut leaving a stunned silence.'

“God I’m such a dick!” I said to myself angrily.

The context gives us that.

I began to pack the cards back into their box and then stood up to collect the ones on the floor. I slid open a drawer and put the cards in it.
I looked out of the large front window into space. It was beautiful.

Too much detail for my taste, its not a play, you don't need to document every move unless there is a dramatic point to be made, such as establishing that a character is painstakingly meticulous.

The many stars dotted the dark sky. Many colours splashed the scene, black, navy blue, dark purples, and hints of emerald. It was as though someone had painted a beautiful picture one glass pane.

Not sure that making the stars and the colours active works. Good image but needs working on.

The Remera blew up, pieces of metal and flesh flying all around me. I span though open space. Faster and faster, I was going to be sick.
Then I landed in a room. An empty room with lights shining on me. Someone appeared in-front of me, my father.
“Why?” I asked him.

Your tenses shift, need to watch for that.

He pulled out a gun and pointed it at my face. The shot was fired and the beam came towards me. Just before it hit the scene changed again. Saint stood in-front of me.

Passive voice alert! Passive voice leeches the drama from the situation.

“He was right,” Saint told me, “you are pathetic.”

I like the dream sequence but I particularly like the natural sense of timing you show with this sentence. It would be further heightened if it had not been prefigured by this.

Saint stood in-front of me

He held the virus in his hand. He took off the lid and swallowed the virus.

Try and avoid repeating the subject. This incident would be better conveyed in one swift sentence so that even as the reader registers he has a tube of the virus he is taking it. Heightens reader shock.

In the distance was a planet. Perfectly round with an asteroid belt surrounding it. It was Solsar. Almost completely blue with water save for a few islands, each around the size of Greenland.
The planet was almost double the earths size and all land was completely covered by city.
No green could bee seen from space. Only dark patches witch in the evening twinkled with light
“That Solsar?” Saint asked..

No need to mention planet name if a character is going to ask the question - you are giving the reader repeat info. The second method, where you 'show' rather than 'tell' is best. The description needs reformulating. As a general rule short sentences are better for conveying action - stacatto-like, abrupt change of pace. For evocative descriptions longer, more poetic sentences are more effective.

I smiled at him, and he smiled back.

Get a room people.

Saint pulled the microphone over his head and spoke clearly into it.

Again - more detail than necessary - it is a minor hump in the dramatic mode. We are more interested in finding out what the message is.

The voice on the other end and to think for a few seconds. She didn’t like the sound of the US navy in British territory. However we were posing no threat so the voice replied,

Because you are writing from a first person viewpoint you generally should not suddenly shift into omniscient third-person like you do by telling us what is going on in the head of the unseen woman. If the hero recognises a long-standing antagonism in her voice, that's okay but as a rule (which can be broken for dramatic purposes) one scene = one viewpoint.

General comment on the landing sequence - a bit too wordy and detailed for what is effectively a between dramatic scenes filler.

Anyways - where's the next part?

[vader146]

It'll come fairly soon. Just been pre-occupied a bit with coursework.
Thanks for the help again Steve, I need to learn a bit more about when sentances need to be short and snappy and when they can be longer.