Boron's - The Early Years Pt 1 of ? (till I get bored)

[scritty]

Captain “Clammy” Troutbasher looked out if the hardi-glass-perspex view screen at the scene unfolding. His face screwed up like a badly stored apple after a cold wet winter.

“And this is supposed to be…?” He trailed off. Clearly expecting a response.
None came.

He turned to face his “colleagues”

“All I can see is some kind of buggy thing with a solid fuel rocket strapped to it, and a chap getting booted and suited to go it like a goose plucking himself for Christmas. Is this a joke ?”

His persistence paid off. In the darkly lit room, one of the many figures sat around the conference table coughed, shuffled some papers, adjusted a pair of ridiculous dark shades and said.

“It’s not a slid fuel rocket sir”

“Hmmm”

“Oh, err, it’s a ‘stable particle converter”

This time not even a “hmmm” just a blank look. This was getting embarrassing.

“It’s the very latest in rocket technology, it could make the Borons a space faring race again….if only we could remember the rest”

“So, this is hi-tech at it’s cutting edge is it Doogumbogie ? This is the very best technology that two and a half billion credits could buy is it ? An intergalactic barbecue with some sad git in tin foil clearly having kittens about the thought of going near it ? Look at the poor bugger, I wouldn’t want to be in the same room when that thing got going, never mind sat in it !”

Officer Hammockstetcher Doogumbogie felt he had said enough. In truth he had not the first idea about the technology involved, he risked a glance left and right, desperately hoping for someone to help him.
He heard a voice.
It wasn’t much help.

“I think Officer Dunkindonut is a little under-qualified to take this any further, with respect Captain, this ‘barbecue’ looks a little flimsy because – well – it is flimsy”

Scientific advisor Topocketpen clearly thought he should shed some light on the experiment.

Troutbasher fixed him with a wide eyed expectant glance, tilting his head in one side, ready to be enlightened.

“You see it doesn’t travel in the normal way” Topocketpen added quickly.
“It uses a new technology we’ve called ‘Gobbledygook’. Basically it leaves here, then more or less instantly arrives errm there…see?”

Troutbasher had heard of this new technology, and thought it was about as likely as the stories he had heard of screens with incredibly lifelike pictures being coded into analogue and transmitted through the air to be re-coded by “tube” at speeds that beggared belief, and tricked the human mind into thinking it was seeing real time movement from ‘another place’.

In fact Troutbasher had a real problem with technology, ever since he bought a “Pomme” I-Kogoul for himself as a fortieth birthday present. I mean the paper in the output tray sometimes got stuck. Then there was all the bloody filing of the punched cards at the end of the day.

“One of those instant screens would be really good for this kind of stuff” he had thought. Surely if they existed someone would have developed them by now to be used with damn cumbersome computers instead of line printers and punched cards ?

Even with the little he did know,, he realised that the processing speed would be well beyond anything currently even imagined. Hundreds of lines with hundreds of elements per line picked from an almost infinite colour palette, supposedly updated completely 50 TIMES A SECOND.

Jeez, if processing power like that existed, completely safely, and just used the medium of fresh air, how come his “widebelt submesh” connection couldn’t update more than two little punch-cards a minute ?

Satisfied that he was sufficiently cynical, he listened to Topocketpen’s rambling incoherent droning. He even nodded now and again, without the slightest clue why.
I mean this scientist chap could have been telling him to sauté his mother in aspic for all he knew – but it sounded good.

Satisfied that even if he had no confidence it the object outside, the technical team were overloaded with almost “first-date-with-a-girl-who-should-have-said-no-to-you” enthusiasm, he finally relented.

“Ok Boron’s let’s do it - before I change my mind”

[raliel]

I think I need to get you back to the Goner Compound and get you your "medication"

[scritty]

Coming soon. Part 2 where President Tamogachi Uchi-Mata Kumquat Liver-Spot III decides that he must take the first flight.

It will also take a good 12 minutes of my valuable time to write. So maybe not today ...

Clarker

[FourFingers]

i see why they call ya the mad goners.

insanity is all the rage these days so keep at it!

[scritty]

Meanwhile..In a different part of the omniverse, Mallard Squeakbruiser was having a BAAAAD day.

Not only had he just discovered that he had woken up covered with bruises and cuts (which he had no memory of "collecting") But , more pressingly, he was sure that when he had gone to bed the previous night "he" had been a "she" called Stephanie Capstan-Fullstregnth.

As Stephanie she recollected an enjoyable childhood, at an all girls school (that suddenly seemed like fun..perhaps she should return to her studies...oh no HE couldn't ...could he ???)

Anyway..panic set in as he (for the sake of avoiding confusion, we'll stick to "he" for now at least) heard footsteps in the carpeted corridor outside.

With hindsight, ducking under the duvet and shouting "I'm not here..but whoever is here as got a willy" was not the most descrete thing he could have done.

His mother walked into the room with a cup of tea (at this point i'll delicately sidestep an obvious urban myth and carry on)

"Why..my little Mallard" his mother began..with a voice Mallard didn't recognise. "What ARE you doing hiding under the covers like that ?"

Mallard risked a look up, and saw...His brother Notwiththosetitsyoudont Squeakbruiser staring back at him.

Something had happened.... and Mallard thought that his old mate Hammockstetcher Doogumbogie would surely know something about it.



Had the space/time experiments gone horribly wrong. ?

Is Mallard destined to have a confused sexual existence ?

What's happened to Notwiththosetitsyoudont ?

All will be revealed to the 2 of you that read this tripe in the next 48 hours.

Clarker

[Rex666]

Ahhhhh.....at least 3 of us....keep the Goner Gown up..traditon,one criticism.....more tentacles please

[RustiSwordz]

THats the best laff ive had in ages. PMSL

[KiwiNZ]

[Triple-F]

Did you have a dream or summit that England where going to loose the second test, and this is your way of dealing with it.

You where warned if you started scarring people again you where going to pay another visit the special room for ....... re-education, matron is waiting.

[Sagan]

Tears streaming down my face here Scritty

[kryptyk]

ROTFLMAO

Troutbasher reminds me of someone.......who lives in a white house just up the hill....

[raliel]

I told you to take your medication!!!!
...... just try this nice jacket on for me..... yes the sleeves are very long..
but look at the lovely buckles!

[Howlingmad]

RAOTFLMAOAPM!! And that's saying something.....err...not quite sure what but it is, so there.

Looking forward to part 2.

And why was this not posted in Creative on TMG?!

[scritty]

This is a sufference I inflict upon Ego. It "flows" after three or four cans of Guiness. I then leave it 20 mins before posting to

a) Realise it was too rude and needed some editing or risk being locked/deleted immediately.

b) Get the sodding plastic widget out of my throat -- Draughtflow my arse. That was nearly the last thing I ever tasted.

Clarker

[Triple-F]

When you feel the cold crunchy thing in your mouth it means the beer has all gone, SO STOP SWALLOWING, gees... how many times do you need to be told.

[scritty]

Mallard weighed up his options. He remembered films where people were put into wierd situations and FREAKED.... It never worked.

I mean did Bud Abbot ever Believe Lou Costello when he started drumming his bottom lip and going
"Wuh --duh --ahhh oohh err " - No he bloody well didn't.

Also, was Bud Abbot the fat gibbering idiot or the one covered with Brylcream ..he couldn't remember that either.

In fact wasn't Bud Abbot one of the "Mad Abbots" or a "Grumbleweed" or something.

Notwiththosetitsyoudont was staring at him intently. Shit..he had been thinking out loud ..AGAIN!

You all right dear he (sorry..we'll have a he again) asked.

"Yeah sure ..... mum ?"

No reaction from his cross-dressing-hermaphrodite-body-swap-brother-mother ...good.

""Errm is it time for breakfast yet"

"Well it was ..... 5 YEARS AGO"


Dum Dum DUUUUUUUUUUUUM !!!!!

"Why did you say that mother ?" Mallard asked

"Dunno" Notwiththosetitsyoudont replied "Thought it might be funny..actually it's nearly half past eight..they are testing the new rocket again tonight"



Dum Dum DUUUUUUUUUUUUM !!!!!

"Again ?" Mallard questioned

"No..sorry, i mean for the first time" Notwiththosetityoudont turned and left the room..Mallard was not so sure. Something about that last conversation just wasn't right. (besides the grammar and sentence construction that is...ooh and the spelling)

Mallard wondered..but not for long ...

In truth, he couldn't remember whether his real mother had actually hired Bernard Breslaw and Jack Douglas as handyman and chauffeur, or whether it was just another maifestation of the general "basting" that he was getting at the moment.

When he alighted into the lounge for breakfast..it was indeed Jack Douglas that waited on him with his morning coffee. Predictably (sadly) Mr Douglas, when JUST about to hand over the scalding drink suddenly acted as if someone had tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oooerrr..eh...eh..whatsat" he said (OBVIOUSLY)

and (OBVIOUSLY) he threw most of the coffee over poor Mallard, before looking down into the empty cup..scratching his head.. and saying (OBVIOUSLY)

"I could swear this cup was full when I came in"

From the kitchen Mallard could hear the deep but distinctively dull tone of Bernard Breslaw telling someone called "Sid" that he'd "be out with it in a minute"

Mallard decided to forgo breakfast..even his morning tete a tete with Natasha Kaplinski would have to wait (she was SUCH a good listener...with the volume on mute that is, and with some gaffa tape over the other side of the screen covering her co-host's face).

He grabbed his coat (well he assumed it was his coat..he'd never seen it before) and left.

He was off to the rocket lab's..On the way he wondered how Peter Blake films had ever made their way onto Boron space...and why no-one on any Boron prime planet had ever heard of Kajagoogoo..because he certainly had.

------------------------------------------------

More blatherings from the witless wonder writer next time.

Where has Notwiththosetitsyoudont gone ?

Who is the mysterious Sid and what does he want ?

Who really wears stoat skin coats ?

What is going on at the Boron rocket plant ?

What's happened to Toppocketpen..why have i spelt his name differently now ?

All may be revealed if this thread isn't locked for obvious reasons ...


Clarker

[kryptyk]

"ooh and the spelling"

[Sagan]

Carry on that man!!

Good one Scritty.. keep it coming dude