Alpha & Omega - Non X related short story

[SteveMill]

Edit - full, revised version.

Here's an experimental, satirical and hopefully humourous, short story. It's done entirely in dialogue - hence the 'experiment'.

Alpha and Omega

“They said you were dead?”

“No, that’s just a very persistent rumour or wishful thinking. Did you have a good journey pilgrim?”

“No, not really. The Mountains were delectable but The Slough of Despair and The Valley of the Shadow of Death….”

“Yes, I’ve been meaning to do something about the Shadow. That road is less travelled for a reason you know. I’d go through the Idyll of Tranquillity myself, and the Forest of Perpetual Delight is lovely at this time of year. But you look upset, would you like any refreshments, an iced tea perhaps, with frozen lemon slices? And something to eat?”

“Both would be very nice, thank you, but I have questions, given the state of things.”

“Gabriel. Tea, Earl Gray, Cold and try not to spill it this time, soup de jour and bring me a bacon sandwich. All that dancing, it ruins the feet you know, and would it kill him to wear some shoes? Heads are so passé but points is just showing off and the blood spots loom large in my sight, particularly on the white marble. Ah, here it is, put it all down there. Take a seat pilgrim, here at my right hand, I’ll move the cat. Sugar?”

“No, lemon is fine.”

“Good, I’m not sure I have any and I don’t like to ask the neighbour. We fell out awhile ago, I don’t think any of us remember what over but it’s been a little awkward ever since. Now you have questions about the state of things; what state is that then?”

“The state of things, the grand design. Surely..”

“Oh – The Grand Design, I didn’t recognise it without the capitals, and stop calling me Shirley. I’m sorry I’ve been wanting to say that for so long, where were we?”

“The Grand Design and the state of things.”

“Given The Grand Design, just for the sake of argument, what’s up with it? Is there some problem I need to be made aware of?”

“Given the Grand Design? Surely you don’t mean it’s in doubt? That would..”

“Mean there is not a plan and everything that happens is just meaningless, random happenstance; no fate, no invisible guiding hand, except Adam Smith’s obviously? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t finish everybody’s sentences, it’s an occupational hazard.”

“Well, yes. If there’s no divine plan then what’s the point?”

“Does every activity have to have a point, can it not be beneficial for its own sake? But yes, I can see you’re getting distressed, there’s a plan. It’s just that you can’t know it because it’s beyond the ken of mortal minds, it’s….what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Ineffable?”

“Yes, that’s it. Ineffable, such a good word. I can’t tell you the number of arguments and pointless discussions I’ve ended with that one. Go on.”

“Is there really any point?”

“In what? Going on or Life?”

“Either, both? A shrug wasn’t the answer I was hoping for though Lord.”

“Why not pretend there is and carry on?”

“That’s a bit ambiguous, Almighty one.”

“I move in mysterious ways, even without wonders to perform. Not that there’s any point in those anymore, not since the invention of digital photography. There was a time when a sign really meant something but now, when anyone with PhotoShop can prove anything they want? That’s why I stick to tortilla’s nowadays. I believe you had some questions concerning the Grand Design? Don’t be shy, I won’t bite?”

“Or send she-bears to rend me?”

“It’s rude to mock the bald, children should learn more manners. Are you planning on joshing my less hirsute prophets, lying down with another man, wearing a garment mingled of linen and woollen or touching the Ark of my Covenant? Use the coaster by the way, it’s the devil’s own work getting cup rings off of cedar-wood.”

“Uh - probably not. I just want some information.”

“Good, you should be all right then. Now do go on, you were about to question the Divine Plan. Don’t mind the lion.”

“Not so much question, but to seek further clarification on really. That’s all. Take the Ten Commandments.”

“Perhaps you could run them by me again?”

“One - Thou shalt not have any strange gods before me; two - thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; three - thou shalt keep the Sabbath Day; four - thou shalt honor thy father and mother; five - thou shalt not kill; six - thou shalt not commit adultery; seven - thou shalt not steal; eight - thou shalt not bear false witness; nine - thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife; ten - thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s goods.”

“Go on.”

“That’s it. Have I missed one out?”

“Ten, I could have sworn I laid the smack down on menstruating women too? And shell-fish.”

“That’s Leviticus.”

“So it was and ten it is. Seems a nice round number, what’s your problem?”

“Well - eight shalt-not’s to just two shalts, even counting number three. That’s a pretty negative basis for a message of joy.”

“A message of joy? I’m sure I’d remember saying something like that. Was it to Noah, that was an awful long time ago?”

“No, that was a rainbow embodying your promise not to destroy the world again in your wrath.”

“My righteous wrath if I remember correctly. And I quite specifically promised not to destroy the world by flood. Nothing was said about fire and-or space monsters.”

“Space monsters!”

“It’s just a figure of speech. A message of joy you say? It sounds fascinating!”

“And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.”

“That really doesn’t sound like the sort of thing I’d cause to be said. Are you sure it wasn’t, ‘Vengeance is mine?’ It’s something I sayeth quite often.”

“You do, in the Old Testament, and it’s not as unambiguous as you think either. This is Luke 2, verse 10. The Good Book? The Bible, the New Covenant of Christ?”

“Who?”

“Your Son!”

“I thought you knew him as ‘The King’? Oh, you mean the mother’s boy, you probably shouldn’t believe everything you read.”

“But it’s the Bible, the inalienable Word of God! Are you telling me you didn’t write it?”

“Of course I wrote it, I hope you’re not doubting my Word. It was more ‘as told to’ than a straight dictation though and this was way before I caused shorthand to be invented so there’s bound to be a few transcription errors along the way. It’s hard to keep up when you’re busy averting your eyes from my majesty.”

“You have read it though?”

“Now you’re just trying to incur my wrath. Of course I have, what sort of deity do you take me for?”

“An all-merciful one?”

“Now who hasn’t been paying attention to what they read? So what’s your beef with the – uh – ten commandments? I can add some more if you like. How do you feel about witches?”

“Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22, verse 18, just before you ‘laid the smack down’ on people who lie with animals, sacrifice to other gods and vex strangers. You know you could have been a little clearer on your definition of ‘witch’ and saved an awful lot of bother later on.”

“I’m the God of the Gaps not of the small print, I have people for that. Spanish, nice crimson cassocks. Or is that for heretics? Anyway, I’m sure it’s all in very responsible hands. So if you don’t want new ones perhaps I can cull the numbers a bit. How do you feel about Number Five? It’s not as if anyone takes any notice of it.”

“No – you see, that’s my problem. ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill, pithy and straight to the point yet there’s the Crusades and all those other massacres done and wars fought in your name. Yet what’s the Commandment? ‘Thou shalt not kill!’”

“Thou shalt not kill except..”

“I’m sorry?”

“Thou shalt not kill except.. That was one of my longer ones, there was a pretty extensive list of exceptions, must have been otherwise how do you explain the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hivites, and Jebusites?”

“But the Israelites killed them, every last man, woman and child? And then took their land.”

“Hmmn – not strictly true. I sent an angel on in ahead. ‘My angel will go before you’ I said, if memory serves. If I hadn’t told Moses, ‘except for these people and those circumstances, yadda yadda yadda,’ I’d be a hypocrite. You’re not suggesting..?”

“No, of course not Lord, I just mean, well, why didn’t it all get written down?”

“Have you tried to take dictation on a slab of granite with a chisel? And Moses was getting on by then. Cutteth him some slack sayeth the Lord!”

“I’m sorry Lord, I’m still not getting the Big Picture. Perhaps if you told me your plan for your Chosen People?”

“My Chosen People…? Uhh… where did you hear about them?”

“Everyone knows about your promise to the Jews. And look what’s happened to them since. Persecution and genocide. If that’s what happens to your Chosen People what does it say about the Grand Design?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing!? What do you mean, ‘Nothing’?”

“What do you mean, ‘Nothing,’ LORD.”

“What do you mean, Lord?”

“That’s better! I mean they are not my chosen people. It took them forty years to find their way out of the Wilderness and the Sinai isn’t that big. Just pick a direction and walk in a straight line, how hard can that be? Would you choose such a bunch of incompetents to spread your Word?”

“But you led them by day as a pillar of cloud and at night as a pillar of fire. They were following you!”

“I sub-contracted. Never pay sub-contractors by the hour, sayeth the Lord.”

“So if the Jews are not your chosen people, who is? No – not the Americans!”

“The Americans? Hmmn. Self-righteous, stole their country by wiping out the locals, built it up on slavery and maintain it with the most powerful army the world while constantly invoking my name, yes, I can see how you could make that mistake. How are the Cathars these days?”

“Er – they’re doing just fine Lord.”

“They’d better be, lest I getteth all biblical on somebody’s ass.”

“New Testament?”

“You’d wish! Look, this has all been very fascinating and I’m sure your questions have given me plenty to think about but why don’t you ask the question you really want to ask, get everything out of the way at once?”

“You must get asked it all the time.”

“Not much in person, no. And no-one seems to like the answer. Go on.”

“If you insist. Why is it Lord, why do bad things happen to good people?”

“Like cancer, dead babies and Martha Stewart?”

“Precisely. There is so much suffering in the world; famine, poverty, disease. How can an omniscient being of total goodness allow it all to happen?”

“Your premises could stand a little checking, but no matter. Do you really want to know? You really want to know why life is a travail of tears leading to a cold grave? You usually have to die before achieving this wisdom?”

“I do Lord, I can’t wait, it’s the reason I made this perilous journey.”

“You can’t wait three months? So be it. The reason bad things happen to good people is very simple really, you’ve read the Bible, it’s all pretty much laid out there.”

“Yes!”

“I just don’t care. Now if you don’t mind East Enders is about to start. Go now from this place and spreadeth my Word!”

“Your Word? The message that God really doesn’t care what you do? People will be outraged and traumatised! Why would you do such a thing?”

“I move in mysterious ways, haven’t I already said that?”

“I know you do Lord, and with all due respect I wish you’d stop, it’s making me feel a little queasy, which will be nothing to how my face will be feeling the first time I knock on someone’s door with your new message. Good News people, God doesn’t actually care what you do!”

“Really? I’d have thought having My permission to cut loose and enjoy themselves would be a tiding of great joy. Allah knows these people need to let their hair down a bit, every once in awhile. Say what you like about the Sodomites, they knew how to throw really great parties.”

“But you destroyed their city for their wickedness Lord! It says so in the Bible. In Genesis you warned Lot and his wife to get away and not look back.”

“If they meant White Tie Only, they should have mentioned it on the Invite. Would you like some salt for your soup?”

“Ah - definitely not, if it’s all the same with you Lord. Perhaps you should think about putting out an updated edition, just to clarify a few points?”

“Amend my Inalienable Word? It wouldn’t be inalienable if I did that now would it. Now get spreading.”

“But Lord, I cannot, ‘if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.’”

“Really – you remember what happened to the last guy that asked that? Well, if people won’t listen they can, just like you, go forth and multiply.”

“I’m sorry?”

“F*cketh off!”

[Moss]

Weird chat that,very weird and funny, particularly the end.

[SteveMill]

I sent a revised version of this to a 'respectable' online literary magazine and got this reply. Can't stop grinning!

And I would never have taken up writing if it had not been for the X series and the people who encouraged me on this board.

Cheers all.

steve


Hello Steve,

This is a riot. Congratulations. I have not received work anything like this
before which is what I look for and what the MAG is all about: presenting
writers like you who are extremely gifted and do not easily fit into a
category. Thank you for considering the MAG. I want to present your work in the biannual Summer issue and feature it again in the September mini-MAG.

Thanks again Steve.


Warm Regards,
August Highland
www.alphanumericlabs.com
www.cultureanimal.com
www.muse-apprentice-guild.com
www.theminimag.com

[FourFingers]

Congrats steve!


I can see you beaming like a chesire cat! well deserved too.

Just read the short story and it is very good, the humour does flow well and ends with a laugh leaving you smiling.

Quality work!

[KiwiNZ]

Oh bummer, I had completely forgotten about this little story.

Congratulations! And yes, RIOT is about the right word It is kind of puzzling until you actually get the drift who one of the persons is. Then it moves to hilarious and very critical on world politics, which I believe is intended. The harsh ending reminds of Monty Python

It is a great read! Reflects quite some frustration!

[SteveMill]

Oh bummer, I had completely forgotten about this little story.

Congratulations! And yes, RIOT is about the right word It is kind of puzzling until you actually get the drift who one of the persons is. Then it moves to hilarious and very critical on world politics, which I believe is intended. The harsh ending reminds of Monty Python

It is a great read! Reflects quite some frustration!

One of the things I found with my seminar group - all of them much younger than me and some Americans - is that there is a cultural vocabulary disconnect between the current and previous generations. This is the first one which, even if they are Christians, which has no knowledge at all of the Bible and things like Pilgrims Progress, from which the opening imagery and the signifier 'Pilgrim' comes from. Consequently most of it zipped past them, including the title, (Alpha and Omega he - is the opening line of a famous English hymn).

I found it hard to write for a generation whose entire cultural vocabulary is basically 'US movies since Star Wars'. It says interesting things about Western culture.

I expected everyone to 'get' who the protagonists were immediately, so it's been informative to find people didn't (no criticism of them or you, just a fact of cultural life).

I did a couple of re-writes, introducing the notion that the Cathars were the Chosen People, which also proved contentious. The Cathars? Who? Then I have to remind myself that I have twenty or so more years of learning on most of them (although Google should be their friend, but isn't).

There's no excuse for the American who peppered my Vietnam story with demands to know what a Huey or an M16 etc was though. And I'm sorry - all references to Highlands grass notwithstanding - Scotland did not fight in the Vietnam War!

Cheers.

[KiwiNZ]

I did print this story and handed it around the department (Screen and Media). Will see next week what people say. One of my colleagues indeed recognised who was talking right from the start. To me quite a few of the references were hard to comprehend as they tend to sound sooo different in German - or do not exist in such a form.


Referring to the American and the Huey, it is interesting that some people expect you to know everything they do and still claim to be smarter

[SteveMill]

I did print this story and handed it around the department (Screen and Media). Will see next week what people say. One of my colleagues indeed recognised who was talking right from the start. To me quite a few of the references were hard to comprehend as they tend to sound sooo different in German - or do not exist in such a form.


Referring to the American and the Huey, it is interesting that some people expect you to know everything they do and still claim to be smarter

I expect every adult American to know what an M16 and a Huey is when there are referenced in a context that makes it obvious, even if you didn't already know, what they are. It's their very recent history dammit! They are both pretty iconic items and we are talking here about students whose ambition it is to be published writers. Writers should, as a matter of course, have a huge appetite for knowledge and experience - everything is grist for the creative mill.

Yes - with readers it is different - can't expect people to know everything so it's a question of pitching writings towards particular audiences. I try to keep obscure references to Greek and Christian mythology to a minimum in the Rogue series!

I keep having to remember that I was as dumb as a post when I was a teenager but I was a voracious reader and, to quote an example, if I came across 'Prometheus' in the course of my university studies, assessing another student's paper, I'd find out who it was rather than write 'Huh?' beside the term. Then I both wouldn't appear ignorant and have learnt something new. In the Google age there's even less excuse IMO.

I'd be interested in how many of your people got the references and what sort of age group they are. I was bought up a Christian (lapsed into 'who knows but I don't believe most of this tripe' a long time ago) and so Biblical and Christian imagery is very familiar to me, like it is to a lot of my age group. I still read the King James Bible just for the richness of the language, if not for its guidance on how to deal with sassy kids.

In many ways I'd rather kids got their moral compass from Star Wars than the Old Testament.

[Mercenary]

Never had religion imposed on me as a kid except at school but that was statutory.

I think I read the Lord of the Rings and tried reading about greek mythology (much of which I'm ashamed to admit has been forgotten) before opening the "good book" and I have to say that the bible didn't hold my interest for long.

So in terms of references, most didn't ring a bell but had a "biblical" type quality and just one reference told me everything I needed to know about the location and the Lord.

At 34 I've hit the age that I'm happy to admit being ignorant of many things, but if I need to know then I'll go find out.

Referring to the American and the Huey, it is interesting that some people expect you to know everything they do and still claim to be smarter

Alternatively, some people expect you to know as little as they do whilst claiming to be smarter...

[pixel]

Nice, an interesting conversation and quirky humour.

I know you like Douglas Adams, and would suggest you read some of Tom Holt as he has a similar humour to your story.

[SteveMill]

Nice, an interesting conversation and quirky humour.

I know you like Douglas Adams, and would suggest you read some of Tom Holt as he has a similar humour to your story.

Expecting Someone Taller - hilarious book!

[pixel]

this is a quite amusing (very) short story by him:

http://hem.passagen.se/gumby/holt/onthe ... rning.html

[Howlingmad]

Congrats on it being published Steve.

I really liked the humour. Spot on all round.

[SteveMill]

this is a quite amusing (very) short story by him:

http://hem.passagen.se/gumby/holt/onthe ... rning.html

Great - thanks.

[SteveMill]

Alternatively, some people expect you to know as little as they do whilst claiming to be smarter...

A whole lot of people on current affairs discussion boards I find. If they don't know something that disproves their unthoughtout position it must be a lie or wrong

I suppose I think anyone claiming to be Christian should be very familiar with the Bible, particularly those who take it as a literal guide to morality, but almost invariably they just pick the bits that suit their prejudices.

Similarly - young people at University, when faced with something they don't know, should actually make an effort to find out rather than shrug off a 'huh?' This goes double to aspiring writers like those on my course.

A knowledge of the sciences can't but help inform a sci-fi writer's work and myth and history for fantasy writers.

Certtainly all the races in the X-Universe seem to have an in-depth appreciation of classical myths, to judge by ship names.

[FourFingers]

Have to agree with you on that one Steve,
It seems to be human nature though.. we dont take well to being told we are wrong. and for some reason especially by someone we think of as 'less knowledgeable'
I see this in the science industries every day, old school professors are unwilling to accept any evidence which contradicts their work, more so if it's from new blood.

What makes me smile in the mornings is when we have Jehova's witness knock on our door, I have respect for any one dedicated to their cause to be able to get up before 9am and be willing to put up with the invariable rudeness most people show them BUT they really should know how to argue their case! simple philosophical questions seem to stump them.. "before you say anything first give me a logical and reasoned argument to show god exists then tell me about paradise and offer me the magazine."
Most have a tenacious grasp of the reality of their belif and no amount of zeal (which they have plenty of) can fill that gap.

ive met some very open minded and knowledgeable people at university some annoyingly so though they do become useful when coursework deadlines loom..
but as you say steve i've met many who are shockingly narrow in their field of knowledge, its not the narrowness thats shocking but the fact that they actively choose to be that way!! when faced with something new they dont know they have no desire to find out, a shrug and a "i know the things i need to know" comment is all.

course saying all that i must admit that i have very little knowledge on politics and have done little to remedy that my shelves are full of beginers guides to Marxism, communisim, capitalism, etc.. but i spend more time reading X2 fiction then other books

[SteveMill]

course saying all that i must admit that i have very little knowledge on politics and have done little to remedy that my shelves are full of beginers guides to Marxism, communisim, capitalism, etc.. but i spend more time reading X2 fiction then other books

A sound choice!

I'm reading a lot of ancient history at the moment, as part of trying to write a fantasy novel that does more than the usual 'pull something vaguely medieval looking from my ass as the setting'.

Interesting what you say about old blood. Didn't Kuhn say paradigm shifts happen when the defenders of the old just die off?

Seems to be true in my experience also.

[pixel]

Great - thanks.

I thought you might like it, its conversation style made me think of your A&O story

[Faze]

Nice one Steve, different but good.

[Sagan]

Congrats on getting published Steve