X2: The Spoof

[KiwiNZ]

pretty good job, too

[Leeprosy]

he he.. got to admit the "all your base are belong to us"
caught me by surprise

[Nyax]

Nice Priest Emperor. Very funny. Well you've suitably shamed me, and ironically i'd finally just about got round to finishing writing this bit of the plot. Well actually i've got one and a half takes on it. I'd written two different versions of the arrival in Nylanas hideout mission and hadn't decided what bits to use. ah well i've written it so i may as well post it.-

<The xenon bit>

<Saya and Julian enter xenon sector 324 of 4. Tertiary adjunct of unamatrix 8279>

Saya: Ok let's be on our guard this could be rough.
Julian: In which case why don't we just use the jumpdrives we both own to bypass it?
Saya: Too easy.
Xenon: Welcome to MS Xenon sector 324 of 4. Where would you like to go today?
Julian: erm... Nylanas hideout.
Xenon: Warning! MS Xenon 3000 has suffered a critical error. Response: 'Nylanas hideout' caused a general protection fault in module 'Polite conversation' at address 565AF655FF7
Saya: uh...
Xenon: Variable friend= null. exiting function.
Julian: wha....
Xenon: if friend= 1 then Politeconversation else goHostile
Saya: They're attacking!
Julian: Suddenly the whole xenon problem has come into focus.

<Several Pitched dogfights, assorted rammings and various random equipment losses later Saya and julian arrive at Nylanas hideout>


<Nylanas hideout Version 1>

Julian: OK No time for Chatter, let's find that Wreck. Got it. To the sector North. Near those asteroids.
Brett: Well well look who's there.
Teladi: Go Awaysssss isssss mine.
Julian: No it's not.
Teladi: Yessssss it isssssss.
Saya: We can't let you take it. Maybe some agreement can be reached?
Teladi: Thissssss operation issssssss very expensssssive. Will want lotssssss of casssssh.
Julian: Hang on a minute, I spy a plot hole.
Brett: What ANOTHER one?
Julian: Yeah. It's an Argon space ship in Argon Space, and we're acting on behalf of the Argon government. Why therefore Is there any question of him being able to take it? Why was he even let in this sector in the first place? Why didn't Damn Banna simply contact the local police and have them secure the wreck until we came to collect it?
Saya: Well because of the errr free salvage laws. yes that's it.
Julain: What free salvage laws?
Saya: The ones that came into effect... 12 seconds ago.
Brett: Any law against shooting down Teladi ships in Argon space?
Saya: Well, Bizaarly no there aren't. At least no Argon laws anyway.
Brett: So i could blow up thousands of trade ships in Argon space, become a mass murderer and provided they weren't Argon ships i was destroying the Argon government wouldn't bat an eyelid.
Saya: Yeah that's about the size of it.
Brett: That's rather self absorbed and insular isn't it?
Saya: I'd say so.
Brett: Maybe this explains why there have been so many wars betwen the races.
Saya: Maybe.
Brett: Hey Where's Jules?
Saya: I think he went off to blow up the teladi ships.



<Nylanas hideout Version 2>

Brett: Hello Saya, flirt, flirt, flirt
Saya: Hello Bret, reject, reject, poor putdown, reject
Brett: Ok let's see if we can find the IAM Glummer
Saya: Scanning...
Julian: How are you doing that? i'm the one with the OSPD
Brett: Got it! Over by the asteroids
Julian: How did...
Saya: There are ships out there already. Including a TL.
Brett: well look who it is
Teladi: GO awaysssss you're to latessssss. Itsssss all minessssss. I like esssesssssss
Saya: Teladi ships are moving to support the TL
Brett: You two deal with them i'll annoy our friendly local teladi.
Julian: won't destroying these guys make a mess of my race ranking?
Saya: Yes but do it anyway.

<A pitched battle erupts. The teladi fighters are shot down. The Teladis big surprise turns out to be a pair of laser towers with the tracking ability of a confused mole. Brett sabotages the TL and flys off with the IAM Glummer>
Brett: Yeah! I'm the man.
Teladi: I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids.
Saya: i've sent a signal to my mother. shes coming...
Julain: Oh damn
Saya: ...with a ship to collect the IAM Glummer
Julain: I've a better idea. Let's all leave now. The Glummer will be worth a fortune on the open market.
Elana kho: Hello everyone here i am.
Julian: Darn.
Saya: hello mother i... Oh no! We've got Khaak ships on an intercept.
Elana Kho: we'll never survive their attack! Saya, Julian try to hold them off!
Julian: You're flying a TL class ship. They generally have enough shilding to take weapons fire from a khaak cluster indefintely and not even scratch the hull.
Elana kho: Normally yes, but this TL is special.
Julian: Oh brother.

<The cluster is taken out.>
Elana Kho: oh no here comes another set
<The cluster is taken out.>
Elana Kho: oh no here comes another set
<The cluster is taken out.>
Elana Kho: oh no here comes another set
<The cluster is taken out.>
Elana Kho: oh no here comes...
Julian: STOP! that's quite enough shouldn't you be going?
Elana Kho: i have to wait for the glummer to dock
Brett: I Docked 2 clusters ago!
Elana kho: Oh. Ok then. Well done everyone. Especially you Julian. I have a surprise waitig for you.
Julain: Oh what?
Elana Kho: ok people let's move out. Julian, Brett i'll be in touch.
Julian: That's OK no need to call. Ever. and did you even hear my question?
<They leave>
Julian: hmmm annoying AND Deaf. So now what?
Brett: I heard about a couple of guys who made a SERIOUS profit in the black hole sun system not far from here. Whataya say jules shall we go make a mint?
Julian: Good idea. You go make your small trading profit and I'll go see how many millions my vast network of solar power plants and factories have made.
Brett: *%^%D^%%£%%!

[Sir Crashalot]

[RustiSwordz]

Cool as ever dude.

LOL

[(/\)arped]

Woohoo! back on form! Keep 'em coming!

Priest Emperor's wasn't bad tho...

[KiwiNZ]

I think I like #2 better

[Priest Emperor]

MS Xenon

too bad i had too much free time yesterday should have just left it alone cause yours is way better

[Epiphany]

I liked both of your parts Priest Emperor and Nyax

[red assassin]

Both Nyax's and Priest Emperor's: funny.

[Ray Driver]

[Logaan]

Both are brilliant

And since i just completed that part of the plot in my 2nd game, thats how it sounded Also was alot easier this time round

[Nyax]

Part: ummm whatever. i dunno i lost count. Anyway the Ore Belt bit-

<Some time and the random donation (or not) of a wheat farm later Julian arrives at the Argon one to discuss things with Damn Banna>

Damn Banna: Our analysis of the I AM GLUMMER has revealed some fascinating information. We now know; what happened to your father, Who the khaak are, why they attacked, what they want, who shot JFK, how to cure the common cold, the location of the lost city of Atlantis, what both the Yeti and loch ness monster actually are and the name of the idiot who thought that Zuran time was a good idea.
Julian: Anything about Earth?
Damn Banna: Earth?
Julian: Yes you know, the only thing we were actually supposed to learn from the ship?
Damn Banna: ummm no nothing about that.
Julian: OK so where's my Dad
Damn Banna: The Khaak kidnaped him.
Julian: Oh. Guess that means i inherit Terriblecorp then. Damn!
Damn Banna: It seems that the Khaak are a Fishlike race. They call themselves the Con Malamari and may have mistaken us for allies of an evil organisation called 'the galactic Umpire' which they are at war with. This Galactic Umpire is building a giant super weapon called the Death nova, a giant space station powerful enough to destroy an enitre planet.
Julian: I think you may have got some records a little mixed up there. Although reading ahead in the script, maybe not quite as much as you might think.
Damn Banna: Oh well in that case we don't have a clue who they are or what they want.
Julian: So the whole Iam Glummer plotline was pretty much pointless then?
Damn Banna: That's about the size of it yes.
Julian: Well i'm bored. I think i'll go and kill some khaak
Damn Banna: Good idea my friend, and i think i have an opportunity for you to do just that.
Julian: Oh?
Damn Banna: A friend of mine, Mik BalsaWood is in charge of the the Argon collosus stationed in the 'Ore belt' system...
Julian: Is that the one that never attacks anything?
Damn Banna: Right as ever pal. That's the one. Mik is something of a pasifist. Or maybe its cowardice. He could of course be just plain inept. Anyway he's been detecting steadily increasing numbers of Khaak entering the system. It may be a build up to another 'presidents end' type attack, and since Mik never ever attacks anyth... erm that is can't take his ship into the asteroid fields without suffering critical damage then we need someone else to check it out
Julian: Well why not?
Damn Banna: and you'll be able to call in at Terriblecorp HQ on the way and see Saya and Elana
Julian: OK well there's ONE reason why not.

<Ore belt. Julian flys up to and hails the Argon collosus. A very nervous looking captain appears on screen>
Mik Balsawood: Ahhhh! who... who.... whooos that? Please don't hurt me.
Julian: I'm julian. Julian Brennan. Apparently. I'm a pirate
Mik Balsawood: Errr.... take everything and anyone you want just don't hurt me
Julian: Very generous of you but not this time. Damn Banna sent me to kill the khaak in this system
Mik Balsawood: oh thank you. thank you so much they're really really scary.
Julian: uh huh. BOO!
Mik Balsawood: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Julian: Did you know there's a pirate base in the sector?
Mik Balsawood: <look of horror on his face> Oh god, please no... I've gotta get out of here
Julian: hmmm good idea. Maybe you'll get reassigned to black hole sun. Right next to a xenon stronghold
<Mik Balsa faints with a thump on the floor. His first officer appears onscreen>
Julian: That was fun.
First officer: Erm yes. As you can see i'm afraid my captain is a bit ummmm... nervous.
Julian: How did he ever become a starship captain if he runs away from trouble?
First officer: Do i have to answer that? It means looking at records.
Julian: Well i guess not. OK then what about the khaak, do you have any info that might help me with them?
First officer: dunno. Maybe.
Julian: Well can you find out?
First officer: What more work? i've had to move like twice today already.
Julian: A cowardly captian and a terminally lazy first officer. Now i know why this ship never goes anywhere.
First officer: yeah. oh and the engines are dead. In a couple of months i may get round to ask engineering to look at that. Look if you're going to kill the khaak, my sensor officer mumbled something about their being a secret base in the asteroids. Or maybe it was a soothing paste for his Haemeroids...

Anyway, we'd send ships to scan them but... that'd just take forever and who can be bothered?
Julian: Apparently i have to. But i guess if i'm hiding in the asteroid field then certain other members of the cast won't be able to find me...
First officer: Fine. Don't do anything without checking with us first though.
Julian: Why not?
First officer: The mission needs stringing out as long as possible.

<Julian scans an asteroid, the results don't tell him anything. He goes to the nearest equipment dock, buys a mineral scanner, comes back and tries again>
Julian: Hmm nothing on this one
<Julian scans an asteroid, There's nothing unusual about it>
Julian: Hmm nothing on this one then.
<Julian scans an asteroid, There's nothing unusual about it>
Julian: Hmm nothing on this one then. oh oh here come some khaak!
<Repeat ad infinitum>



<Three days Later>
<Julian scans an asteroid, There's nothing unusual about it>
Julian: Hmm nothing on this one then. oh oh here come some khaak!
<Julian scans an asteroid, There's SOMETHING unusual about it>
Julian: Hmm Well i'd better go report back to the Collosus.

<A fairly long and tedious, khaak interupted, flight later>
Mik Balsawood: A Khaak base? h..h...here? <*Thump*>
First officer: *Sigh* A Khaak base? Wow. We don't need to do anything about it do we?
Julian: Well that depends. Do you want everything in this sector destroyed?
First officer: Honestly?
Julian: Never mind i'll go blow it up myself.
<He attempts to do this. He fails. Eventually The player finds out he needs either mobile mining system?????? (WHY?????) or a Hornet missile. He goes and buys one. Eventually making it back to discover that dispite the inordinate amount of time this mission has taken so far, the Khaak still havn't wiped the sector out. He fires the missile at the Khaak base asteroid, (which was built by an unknown alien race less then 100KM from the nearest station, in a heavily populated sector, and noone noticed) Destroying it>
Julian: Hmm some alien debris has been left over. How sompletely unexpected. I'd never have thought that blowing up an alien base would leave bits of it left floating in space. I'll scoop some of it up. I may be able to fence it somewhere down the line...

[ExE22]

[Rapier]

More!

[(/\)arped]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Brilliant!

[Logaan]

ROFLMAO!!!

What about the Collosssus Captain taking a bath all the time? Thats a popular theory lol

[Epiphany]

MORE

[RustiSwordz]

spot on.......

[Kraz0r]

Keep it coming