Rogues Return Chapter Two completed 10.6.05

[KiwiNZ]

Excellent addition to the chapter. Looks like Max has revealed his identity? Or did the Fixer just change the name of the AI for some obscure reason? The odds of hauling through a Xenon sector in an unarmed freighter are nothing to look forward to. Curious to see how that develops.

Looking forward to the next installment!

"Since being exposed to Hela" - Zee?

[SteveMill]

Thanks for the spots - the infrequent makes a tortured sense but I'll reright it. And K is right - I used the real sisters name instead of the AI derivative Xela or Zee.

It's so hard keeping 3 novels of detail straight. Not that it will happen now but Kaitrin would have taken a spot in a jumpdrive equipped Boron ship at Omicron Lyrae, using her contacts.

[Graf_Grau]

HI Steve,

I gotta say I am loving it, but write faster! I am looking forward to seeing which of the two lines gets added to next.

Just a couple of comments.

"Never the most powerful of the old Pirate Clans, they, he lacked the ice-heart ruthlessness that drove monsters like Law and Skull"

Is the he intended? or is it a typo, I also feel that regardless a had needs to go here either "they had" or "...they, he had". My reasoning being that "they" are dead and "he" has left the clan. Maybe I am wrong, (with these things I usually seem to be)

"We can’t hold out much longer, they’re cutting through the bulkheads. Hurry."

I love this line, it is a nice touch. No criticism here it just brings up powerful images.

Oh well good luck with the next part

GG

[RJV]

HI Steve,

I gotta say I am loving it, but write faster! I am looking forward to seeing which of the two lines gets added to next.

Just a couple of comments.

"Never the most powerful of the old Pirate Clans, they, he lacked the ice-heart ruthlessness that drove monsters like Law and Skull"

Is the he intended? or is it a typo, I also feel that regardless a had needs to go here either "they had" or "...they, he had". My reasoning being that "they" are dead and "he" has left the clan. Maybe I am wrong, (with these things I usually seem to be)

"We can’t hold out much longer, they’re cutting through the bulkheads. Hurry."

I love this line, it is a nice touch. No criticism here it just brings up powerful images.

Oh well good luck with the next part

GG

GG - to me it paraphrases as 'They were never the most poweful of the pirate clans, and (or 'as') he lacked the ice-heart ruthlessness... etc. But I did read it a couple of times before I got it.

I think Steve is trying to drag us kicking and screaming onto the higher levels of writing and storytelling. (this is a compliment Steve !!! )

Cheers,

Rob.

[SteveMill]

I wondered about that line but what I was going for was the immediacy and the torn feelings he had. But the line as it stands isn't working so I'll revisit it. Maybe just a comma after 'he' would help?

[KiwiNZ]

Nope, make one comma a semi-colon


"Pirate Clans, they, he lacked" -> "Pirate Clans; they, he lacked"

That inserts a natural pause into the sentence, which makes it easier to grasp what you are saying.

[RJV]

Nope, make one comma a semi-colon


"Pirate Clans, they, he lacked" -> "Pirate Clans; they, he lacked"

That inserts a natural pause into the sentence, which makes it easier to grasp what you are saying.

That actually changes it a little for me. As first written it's a general comment that the clan was not as powerful, followed by a specific comment on his ruthlessness.

Written as KiwiNZ suggests, the 'he' now could be given more emphasis (and a trailing comma) implying that he thinks the clan lacked ruthlessness but then focuses on the fact that he personally lacked ruthlessness.

Am I waffling? Reading too much into it? Talking rubbish???

Cheers,

Rob.

[SteveMill]

Adjustments made, thanks for the feedback. It's really useful getting immediate insight into what works and what doesn't. And let me tell you, this is much better feedback than I get off of undergraduate degree level students.

At the moment the story viewpoint is focused on Jackson (I think it's called third person focused). I like this viewpoint as it enables you to be like a camera, sometimes zooming in so close the person's emotions can leak out to create little moments of empathy. Like the line highlighted by GG

We can’t hold out much longer, they’re cutting through the bulkheads. Hurry.

That's a technique I learned from a how-to book. Seamless flashbacks. By embedding them in a memory that is part of the forward movement of a story you don't lose momentum. Left to my own hack devices I'd probably have something ( and no doubt have already/will) clumsy like:

'He thought back to the time ....'

And that takes the reader out of the groove in the same bad way as the sentences you've pulled me up on do.

Of course sometimes you want to do that deliberately for effect.

I have a half finished novella, a Vietnam War story that starts with a squad seargent waking up to find a devil sitting at the foot of his cot. It's a very claustrophopic and detailed opening. The minutae of his preparations, the squalour of the isolated camp, the preparations for the patrol and then I end the section with a panoramic paragraph on the rain forest that is so completely off the pace, so completely different that the seminar group's reaction was a collective "wow!", like stepping out of a dark room into bright sunlight.

This also marks the transition of the hero from the ordinary world to the magical world - an essential part of the hero's quest structure approach to story-telling, which I like. It was an effective piece of writing because of what I'd learned not because of any inherent ability.

(Star Wars IV is the archetypal example of the Hero's Quest approach. you see Luke in his ordinary world, the call to adventure with Obi Wan (edit - Princess/Robot as Herald - fool) as Herald, the adventure refused then accepted after the death of his family, Obi-Wan as Mentor then the transition to the Magical World of the Empire etc with the encounters at the Cantina functioning as Threshold Guardians. Lucas explictly sat down and used the formula he picked up from a memo written by a script consultant called Vogler, who later wrote the brilliant 'Writer's Journey' on the approach, and in doing so Lucas tapped into the power of myth. Shame he abandoned it for 'the power of merchandising'. Screw Archetypes, let's have cute little teddy bears we can market to kids.)

It's why I keep banging on so enthusiastically about learning technique. Very few of us are artistic geniuses able to sit down and write something brilliant out of our heads. But we can learn from those who are or those who have taken the time to examine what makes good writing.

Knowledge of technique is a real talent multiplier.

[SteveMill]

More adjustments made to the confusing bit.

[KiwiNZ]

Good changes. And also thanks for the blurb. Quite interesting stuff and also very obvious once one gets pointed to it. Good one!

[SteveMill]

Good changes. And also thanks for the blurb. Quite interesting stuff and also very obvious once one gets pointed to it. Good one!

Yes - that's what's so useful about these books. We're all so media savvy a lot of it is just making us conscious of what we already know so we can use that knowledge deliberately.

[Graf_Grau]

Steve,

I think that comma really helps. I guess I should have thought about it myself. I saw what you were trying to say when i first read it, but with the old format (single comma) I felt it read confusingly. The extra comma really helps to show that jackson is the focus of the story at this point. The first now acts almost as a "no" which is cool, kind of "they, - no hang on its jackson's fault- he, lacked...."

glad my rambling was some assistance for a change.

Graham

[Gandalf The White]

hmmm this will be interesting, but still, who is the fixer? when will that ever get revealed!!!

[SteveMill]

No - it's not your job to intuit an author's meaning - it's up to me to make myself so clear that the readers can just let the stream of the story carry them forward.

I'm hoping to get the chapter finished this week - there are some real twists and shocks coming up and I want to get them right.

[Al]

Or you could do them really quickly and let us help you get them right.....

Al

[SteveMill]

More added. Chracteristic cliff-hanger included free of charge.

[KiwiNZ]

Excellent combat! Very touching description of the emotions on all sides! The tension had me tied to the chair till the end. It really looks like there is little hope for Jack. Unless Max has a way of escaping his 'imprisonment' or the prisoner does it for that matter. It is possible to get 125MW shields down with AHEPT but 5MW shielding does not really leave any room for mistakes and an M6 using a starfe drive is very likely to be a menace

Looking forward to the next installment!!


“I’m real glad to see you Jackson,” - is that 'real' or should it be 'really'? Same a couple lines down. I am not sure about it, though.

[Oldman]

Just content to see and read another 'instalment'

As always, another good cliff hanger ....cheers.


Oldman

[Graf_Grau]

Cool addition and an annoyingly precipitous cliff hanger. My fingers are all aching hurry with chapter 3.

To rudely answer Kiwi, "really" would be more appropriate grammatically, but more often these days, in my experience, people tend to say "real". "That was a real good show" or "That tower was real big." Its inherent laziness in English speakers these days!

As such it gives more depth to Kaitirn, and links back to her mannerisms and "vocals" in the orginal book.

My two cents shoot me down if I am talking rubbish

[SteveMill]

Cool addition and an annoyingly precipitous cliff hanger. My fingers are all aching hurry with chapter 3.

To rudely answer Kiwi, "really" would be more appropriate grammatically, but more often these days, in my experience, people tend to say "real". "That was a real good show" or "That tower was real big." Its inherent laziness in English speakers these days!

As such it gives more depth to Kaitirn, and links back to her mannerisms and "vocals" in the orginal book.

My two cents shoot me down if I am talking rubbish

You are saying nothing but good things. I can only stand back in awe of your impeccable good taste.

As to how Jack will escape? Maybe he won't.