Homebound - chpt 10 completed (04/01/05)

[Gandalf The White]

yeah, brainless twats lol. seeriously, he's not home and dry yet, what about the others, they will be on his mind.

[Mercenary]

Cheers all,

Chapter completed under the ++++++

[General Morphit]

<toothcomb ="fine">

"after this date the had been a gradual migration of the workforce, and virtually only the former mercenaries remained." -there not the. virtually only doesn't seem to flow correctly. I think reversing the statement might help ie "..workforce, and the former mercenaries were virtually all that remained."
""Just had to come and see if the rumour was true?" Tor stood up as they entered." -the question mark probably shouldn't go there.
"I'm sure he will in the not to distant future" -too not to
"However the very fact that Tris and the..." -comma after 'However'.
"perhaps if everyone sat down I'll tell you about my jazura, and you can tell me about yours." seems to mix a question with an intent. changing 'I'll' to 'I could' and 'you can' to 'you could' would fix it.
"The local alien race we encountered, had almost been wiped out by the Khaak hundreds of jazuras before we arrived." -flows bad, try moving the comma to after the 'Khaak'.
"How we're not certain" -needs a comma after 'how'
</nitpick mode>

Heh. Sorry about that, merc. I had 10 mins spare so decided to pick holes Good going, looking forward to chapter 11 and finding out how Tor claims his assets in the X-universe back.

[KiwiNZ]

Excellent read! Looks like Caran is no longer a scaring Tor. As a matter of fact, Tor's been dead and knows that he is unstopable where he is. So it makes it easy. Saying the Defiance would self-distruct is certainly not the truth as I cannot see anybody preventing Tor from getting back on the ship and launch ... transporters and all

Looking forward to the next chapter!


"so nearly home" - I think it is common language but not sure if it is really what you wanted to use

"but after this date the had been" - the=there

"not to distant future" - to=too?

"far to casual" - to=too?

"for it suitability" - it=its

"governments then has" - have

[Al]

Good end to the chapter!

Seeing as I've been slacking recently I've spotted a couple of things:

"After then the military would monitor further out, but only in areas of military significance. " Bad sentence. Perhaps something like "The military did monitor further out, but only in areas of military significance. "

"and with a shift in the shield modulation," needs another comma betwen "and with".

"Such return in this " should be "Such a return in this.... "

"Some cheep look alike " should be "cheap". "look alike" should maybe be one word? Now sure on the second point though.

"With his one good hand Tor had pounced close behind the lawyer and lifted him off the ground," Sentence is a bit out of order Something like "Tor had moved close behind the lawyer and, with his one good hand, lifted him off the ground,"

"As the door slid close" should be "closed"

Good stuff though and glad to see you are writing more frequently these days

Al

[pixel]

yes, good end to the chapter

[Mercenary]

Cheers all,

Speed of typing appears to have had a corresponding surge in the typo department.

Third part with edits. But looks like there's one or two others to sort out further up.

[KiwiNZ]

Don't you worry Merc. We'd rather have it quick than perfect

[Gandalf The White]

Wow, I think Karan is going to have to step back a little, he's not got much choice lol.

[General Morphit]

As Kiwi Says, plus you seem to have a good fan base to filter out typos anyway.
Good Fan Base