The Gate - Chapter 15 complete (21/06/04)

ImmortalZ · Post by **ImmortalZ** » Wed, 16. Jun 04, 08:25

Hehe, I guess you ARE a writer, albeit with a screwy imagination slanted towards alcohol

.

By the next epic, I mean the next part in the series. (What is it called? Homeward?)

SteveMill · Post by **SteveMill** » Wed, 16. Jun 04, 10:28

The Giant Teddy Bears are beginning to irritate me with their endless carping about guilt and innocence. White hat, innocent, see!

Please ensure they all die horribly before Tot escapes - perhaps with an influx of Space Vampires thru the jumpgate?

pixel · Post by **pixel** » Wed, 16. Jun 04, 11:39

SteveMill wrote:The Giant Teddy Bears are beginning to irritate me with their endless carping about guilt and innocence. White hat, innocent, see!

Please ensure they all die horribly before Tot escapes - perhaps with an influx of Space Vampires thru the jumpgate?

Hear Hear!!

Bring on the action!!!

Mercenary · Post by **Mercenary** » Wed, 16. Jun 04, 19:59

SteveMill wrote:The Giant Teddy Bears are beginning to irritate me with their endless carping about guilt and innocence. White hat, innocent, see!

Please ensure they all die horribly before Tot escapes - perhaps with an influx of Space Vampires thru the jumpgate?

Hmmm, guess because I'm writing in short sections I keep referencing back to the same theme, guess you all know what's been going on so I'll have to watch for repetitions.... Once completed I'll have to read over the whole thing with some adjustment to making it more a rising conflict based on an apparent lack of action.. toys out of pram mentality...

On the other hand there a whole nest of overly arrogent Khaak about to hit a big whirry thing ... possibly ... which might just liven things up a tad.

KiwiNZ · Post by **KiwiNZ** » Thu, 17. Jun 04, 00:17

Mercenary wrote:On the other hand there a whole nest of overly arrogent Khaak about to hit a big whirry thing ... possibly ... which might just liven things up a tad.

YAY

Mercenary · Post by **Mercenary** » Thu, 17. Jun 04, 00:46

Mercenary wrote:
SteveMill wrote:The Giant Teddy Bears are beginning to irritate me with their endless carping about guilt and innocence. White hat, innocent, see!

Please ensure they all die horribly before Tot escapes - perhaps with an influx of Space Vampires thru the jumpgate?

Hmmm, guess because I'm writing in short sections I keep referencing back to the same theme, guess you all know what's been going on so I'll have to watch for repetitions.... Once completed I'll have to read over the whole thing with some adjustment to making it more a rising conflict based on an apparent lack of action.. toys out of pram mentality...

On the other hand there a whole nest of overly arrogent Khaak about to hit a big whirry thing ... possibly ... which might just liven things up a tad.

Okay had a fast scan through the entire story so far and I have to say that your perception might be misplaced.

The 'big teddies' give the hero a deadline in chapter 6 and that's about it in terms of harping on about guilt. Lots of other people on his own side do seem to get a bit hot under the collar about it but the Mohrabas tend to take a back seat until now.

If you can point me to examples of the repetition then I'll take a look.

Epiphany · Post by **Epiphany** » Thu, 17. Jun 04, 04:39

Ahhh, the good ol' jump drive...

Keep'em coming merc (faster if at all possibe

)

SteveMill · Post by **SteveMill** » Thu, 17. Jun 04, 09:46

Mercenary wrote:
Mercenary wrote:
SteveMill wrote:The Giant Teddy Bears are beginning to irritate me with their endless carping about guilt and innocence. White hat, innocent, see!

Please ensure they all die horribly before Tot escapes - perhaps with an influx of Space Vampires thru the jumpgate?

Hmmm, guess because I'm writing in short sections I keep referencing back to the same theme, guess you all know what's been going on so I'll have to watch for repetitions.... Once completed I'll have to read over the whole thing with some adjustment to making it more a rising conflict based on an apparent lack of action.. toys out of pram mentality...

On the other hand there a whole nest of overly arrogent Khaak about to hit a big whirry thing ... possibly ... which might just liven things up a tad.
Okay had a fast scan through the entire story so far and I have to say that your perception might be misplaced.

The 'big teddies' give the hero a deadline in chapter 6 and that's about it in terms of harping on about guilt. Lots of other people on his own side do seem to get a bit hot under the collar about it but the Mohrabas tend to take a back seat until now.

If you can point me to examples of the repetition then I'll take a look.

Sorry Merc - it wasn't a serious criticism of repetition - just my own irritation at the aliens for their attitude to Tor when its been blindingly obvious that he's innocent. And their consequent need for a slap.

Mercenary · Post by **Mercenary** » Thu, 17. Jun 04, 11:20

SteveMill wrote:Sorry Merc - it wasn't a serious criticism of repetition - just my own irritation at the aliens for their attitude to Tor when its been blindingly obvious that he's innocent. And their consequent need for a slap.

Feedback in whatever form is good and welcome..

..maybe I should have made Tor look more guilty or throw in a savage twist at the end to indicate he may not have been so innocent....

hmmm..

General Morphit · Post by **General Morphit** » Thu, 17. Jun 04, 13:46

What about DNA? Ghaan could have got some of Tors DNA somehow and pasted bits onto his bombs and such.. Would look like pretty infallible evidence to the other station commanders at least.
Would be kinda interesting considering Tors DNA is now different, and may never be the same again.

Just a thought.

vader146 · Post by **vader146** » Thu, 17. Jun 04, 20:24

sweet as a nut

therjw · Post by **therjw** » Thu, 17. Jun 04, 20:25

Great story.
Can't wait for the next part

Mercenary · Post by **Mercenary** » Fri, 18. Jun 04, 13:38

Part 3 now added.

Having had a little bit of a review, this part of the story is moving nicely towards conclusion.

I think another chapter will be enough to set the scene for the intro to the Homebound tale. Total wordage is shorter than the first two stories but will be a respectable 90,000+ words on completion.

KiwiNZ · Post by **KiwiNZ** » Fri, 18. Jun 04, 14:11

Excellent 3rd part!! I really enjoyed how you tied in Tor's encounter with the alien ship in TT!

Gives a bit more depth to those aliens. Also it would explain why Sweety is changing the Defiance over to what I assume is the charged hull. I can imagine that Tor now has more than just the jumpdrive to trade

Looking forward to the next part!!

SteveMill · Post by **SteveMill** » Fri, 18. Jun 04, 14:36

Mercenary wrote:Part 3 now added.

Having had a little bit of a review, this part of the story is moving nicely towards conclusion.

I think another chapter will be enough to set the scene for the intro to the Homebound tale. Total wordage is shorter than the first two stories but will be a respectable 90,000+ words on completion.

The ending where Tor fixes the jumpgate and the giant furry things say 'thanks' and their gigantic invasion fleet comes out from behind a forest moon?

Mercenary · Post by **Mercenary** » Fri, 18. Jun 04, 15:27

SteveMill wrote: The ending where Tor fixes the jumpgate and the giant furry things say 'thanks' and their gigantic invasion fleet comes out from behind a forest moon?

Damn I need to be a little less obvious...

pixel · Post by **pixel** » Fri, 18. Jun 04, 17:17

this is great stuff Merc, getting exciting

Al · Post by Al » Fri, 18. Jun 04, 18:59

Good stuff Merc.

Noitced this:

"and the races that occupied his loop" should be "this loop"

there is also a bit where you talk about the Khaak beam weapons attacking a ship and say "over in sezura" I realise that sezura could well be the plural as well as the singular but it just reads a bit funny.

In fact its this bit: "it'll tear your ship apart in sezura. "

Al

Quetz · Post by **Quetz** » Sun, 20. Jun 04, 02:26

Another good read merc, got visions of the Mohrabas carrier jumping into the core sectors from nowhere and scaring a few races to death

Keep it up,

Quetz

Mercenary · Post by **Mercenary** » Mon, 21. Jun 04, 22:05

Cheers all,

edits made and chapter completed under the ====

egosoft.com

egosoft.com

The Gate - Chapter 15 complete (21/06/04)

Lol