X2 The Spoof: (compiled into one)

[mippy]

not mine just put it all together to make it easier to read


X2 The Spoof


(By Nyax)
Part one. Part two to follow once written, (assuming anyone finds this amusing) Of course if anyone else wants to carry on feel free.

<Scene opens in a docking bay somewhere. Two guys in space suits are trying to steal an Argon Buster>

Brett: OK we have 5 menthols let's make this quick

<Meanwhile in the security office>

Overweight guy: We've spotted two guys attempting to steal the ship in bay 4... 4... 1... near the... toy shop... dispatch a.... ship... to intercept.

Brett: Ok we're in! <The Discovery dispatched to stop them appears> Damn that was never 5 mintolas! let's go!

<In two seperate ships Brett and Julian fly out of the strangely large station interior in a blaze of explosions and staggeringly poor frame rates>
Brett: They've got me! i'm loosing power! Get going Jules
Pilot 1: Damn this guys crazy on Steroids
Pilot 2: What the hell does that mean?
Pilot 1: Ermm....
Julian: I think i'll get captured as well now.
Pilot 2: Ok.

<Sometime later the prison ship Julian is imprisoned on is stopped by Ban Danna in command of the argon 1>

Ban Danna: Ah Julian my old friend welcome aboard.
Julian: Err thanks. Who are you?
Ban Danna: Ha ha! very funny my lifelong pal
Julian: But we've never met....
Ban Danna: well my friend I have a ship waiting for you and have arranged a job for you at Terracorp. Off you go.
Julian: Can i ask a question?
Ban Danna: By all means
Julain: Were you born this stupid or did you have to work at it?
Ban Danna: pardon?
Julian: Here i am a hardened criminal having lived my whole life commiting acts of piracy and now you're suddenly taking me out of prison and turning me loose with a ship. Why?
Ban Danna: wouldn't make much of a game if i didn't would it?
Julian: Fair point. can you let Brett go as well?
Ban Danna: i doubt that. He's a pirate.
Julian: What the hell do you think i am?
Ban Danna: Well i'll see what i can do. Off you go then friend-til-the-end
Julian: You're freaking me out now.

<Julian flys off to the Terracorp HQ>
Elana Kho: Hello. i run one of the largest corporations in the known universe. I'm up there with the likes of Bill Gates but for some reason i still do the assigning of simple delivery jobs...
Julian: Aren't you afraid i might steal the cargo you're going to give me?
Elana Kho: No. why should i be?
Julian: Maybe because i'm a convicted criminal and ship thief?
Elana Kho: Did i mention how good it is to see you?
Julian: Oh god not another one...

<Julian makes the cargo delivery, then returns to terracorp>
Elana Kho: oh it's fantastically good to have you back. I'm so ecstatic i'll tilt my head by 10 degrees while the camera sways about unsettlingly in extreme close up.
Julian: erm ok.
<She does this>
Elana Kho: ok for your next mission i'm going to give you a brand new passenger ship.
Julain: you're going to give a brand new ship to a ship thief? Is everyone in this galaxy thick?
Elana Kho: you'll need to take it to Atreus clouds to pick up an obnoxious Boron. You'll need to be back here in 72 Ministronis. Oh and my daughter will be there to. You can tell she's my daughter because we share animations.
Julain: She can't move an inch either huh?
Elana Kho: Yep.

<Later in Boron space>

Saya Kho: Hello. I'm interested in you.
Julian: Err... that's nice.
Saya Kho: I gather you're a pirate.
Julian: Yes. Apparently Pirates are the most trustworthy people in the X universe. Or so everyone is implying.
Mii-Ton: I'm going to butt in and be obnoxious now.
Julian: Please do.
Mii-Ton: You're all stupid, incompetant fools.
Julian: Good work.
Mii-Ton: Thanks.
Saya Kho: Well we'd better get back to terracorp. Oh no! 37 thousand pirates!
Julian: But this is Argon prime. The capital of the largest empire in the known universe, surely the system would be crawling with fighters and capital ships.
Saya Kho: Shut up! you're ruining the action.
Julian: Action? the ships got no guns!
<Suddenly a mystery plot device appears and blows all the pirates up>
Julain: That was lucky
Mii-Ton: I hate you all.

<2 or 3 Min'tcreams later>

Elana Kho: Welcome back. As gratitude for this mission i'm going to give you a gift. My first ship. It's falling apart and is absolutely useless. In truth i've been trying to get rid of it for ya-orikes now but noone will take the damn thing. Oh and you also need to go see Ban danna
Julian: But that guy creeps me out...
Elana Kho: Well he apparently has vitally important information for you.
Julian: Like what?
Elana Kho: something to do with a painfully obvious plot twist i think.

<2 msceuhfews later>
Ban Danna: Ah Julian, there you are my greatest friend in the universe
Julian: We've met ONCE!
Ban Danna: I have to tell you some shocking news about... Your father
Julian: PLEASE tell me he's Darth vader
Ban Danna: What? no he's the founder and owner of terracorp, an Earth fleet test pilot, and the player character in X and X-Tension
Julian: Woah! woah! My Dads a multi-millionaire? how come i wound up as a pirate then?
Ban Danna: Well your dad tended to sleep around. Girl in every station, that kind of thing.
Julian: EVERY station? Even the Boron ones?
Ban Danna: Yes. But don't worry,apparently your tentacles were amputated at birth.
Julian: I feel ill.


(By Nyax)
Part 2:

<Later Julian arrives at the groaner temple>

Annoying Preacher: Weelcoommee yoouunng Brenan saama iiii speeaak Slowllly andd innnn aaaa veerryy annoyyying wayyy...
Julian: In that case be quiet and point me in the direction of my wayward dad.
Annoying Preacher: Ahhhhh iiii wiishh iitt waass thhaatt siimmplle brennaann saaaammmmaaaa
Julian: I do have a name you know. and 'Saama' isn't part of it.
Annoying Preacher: iitt iiss aa maarkk ooff reesspecct thhaatt i....
Julian: Will you please just shut up!
Elana: Kho: <Butting in over the comm> Julian i have news concerning your father.
Julian: I never throught i'd be happy to hear your voice... and i've been right so far.
Elana: Kho: He's disappeared while searching for an ancient Earth ship- The 'I AM Glummer' He thinks it may hold the key to returning to earth
Julian: Oh. So does it contain plans for building and repairing jumpgates?
Elana Kho: No but it flew about a lot.
Julian: How does that help?
Elana Kho: It just does.
Annoying Preacher: Thhee 'ii aamm Gglluummeerr' iiss aa mmyytthh. wwee hhaave sspeentt deca-yartzees sseeaarrcchhiinngg ffoorr iitt. II ffeeaar tthhaatt Brreeennnaann iiss wwaassttiinngg hhiiss ttiimmee
Julian: Apparently he's not the only one. Must run in the family...
Ban Danna: Ah! Julian, great pal. There you are. I gather Elena and the annoying priest have been getting you up to speed on the plot.
Julian: Such as it is.
Ban Danna: Yes well Kyle Brennan has disappeared while searching for this long lost plot device. So i got Brett out of prison to make sure we have enough annoying characters in the plot.
Julian: Well so far the least annoying one out of the lot of you was that obnoxious Boron.
Bret: Jules why don't we go looking for your Dad
Julian: Sure ANYTHING to get away from this bunch.
Ban Danna: Very well my friend i...
Julian: Will ALL of you STOP talking to me like we've known each other for years!
Ban Danna: Ahem. I know i can't talk you out of this. Your father was last seen vandalising the derelict Earth gate in the Brennans Triumph system. Try starting there.


<Later As Julian and Brett are enroute and about to leave the Presidents End system>
Julian: My everything looks peacefull and quiet out here
Brett: Yep a very calm and tranquill system. No combat at all.
<They jump out of the system. 10 seconds later>
Ban danna: Julian, you be careful out there, you hear me mate? Less then a minolta ago we heard about an attack by an unknown alien race in the presidents end system. They've wiped everything out. It's a mess over there, a complete disaster zone.
Julian: I was there 10 seconds ago and everything was fine.
Ban danna: Really? ummm ok maybe i should have waited a bit before calling you.
Julian: Thereby avoiding calling attention to the fact that it's a completely scripted event?
Ban danna: ummm....
Brett: Jules stop clacking with Mr D we've got another annoying character to meet.
Julian: God not ANOTHER one.
<Sure enough at the derelict gate>
Teladi: Gooo awwayyysssss. Thissssss isssss alll minesssss
Brett: No.
Teladi: OKsssss I Gooo awwayyysssss then. but me leave minessssssss. Ssssssstooppsssss you findingsssss the I AM Glummersssss
<He leaves>
Julian: That was easy
Brett: I don't trust anyone who takes that long to say the letter S, so I'm gonna follow him. Why don't you see what your pops did with the gate?
<Brett flys off. Julian flys up to the gate and dies in a 'out of the blue' squash mine explosion. The game is reloaded. Julian flys up very slowly to the gate and then dies in a 'out of the blue' squash mine explosion. Player visits the Egosoft forums and finds out how to do this mission. Game is reloaded. Julian manages to reach the gate. He immediately finds the words "Kyle Brennan waz 'ere" in spray paint on one of the nacelles>
Julian: Well at least i know he was here...


(By Nyax)
Part 3:

<Brennans Triumph: The derelict Earth Gate>

Elana Kho: JULIAN! Hows it going!
Julian: Do you mind! I'm in a space suit in the middle of a mine field
Elana Kho: Well that's good to know. Any news?
Julian: I found proof that my two timing ever elusive dad was here, and i did some scans of the gate.
Elana Kho: Excellent work! If you take that sensor data to the library on antigone memorial it will tell us everything we need to know about the 'I AM Glummer'
Julian: How?
Elana Kho: Well every ship leaves a wake of muon particles as it travels through space. That wake is unique to each ship, and it effects any solid object nearby. By careful analysis of sensor records via a sterotranscopic sorting algorithm, even after several hundred years we should be able to determine which wake was left by the Glummer and use that to track it down to it's current location.
Julian: Wow really?
Elana Kho: Actually, No i just made all that up. I actually havn't got a clue how it will help but it sounded good didn't it?
Julian: Only if this was Star Trek...

<In a desperate attempt to get this whole sorry mess resolved as quickly as possible, Julian heads straight to the Antigone memorial system. Immediately upon arrival>

Brett: Welcome to Antigone memorial Jules.
Julian: Thanks. how did you get here ahead of me?
Brett: Well i had to fly flat out to get here.
Julian: I came straight here from Brennans Triumph. You were last spotted flying out of the south gate. That means you had to fly further then me to get here. My ship is faster then yours.
Brett: i ummm... used my jumpdrive.
Julian: Your ship doesn't HAVE a jumpdrive
Brett: Well i errr....
Julian: AND you supposedly tailed a Teladi here. How could you have done that if he used a jumpdrive to get here?
Brett: Well err...
Julian: So where's the teladi Now?
Brett: I ummm don't... know...
Julian: Gee you're SO helpful!
Brett: Look it's not my fault, it's the plot. I was propelled here against my will be a scripted event.
Julian: uh huh, Whatever. I take it the Teladi was here?
Brett: Yes. He left via his jumpdrive after doing some research down on the planet in the library.
Julian: Ok i'm going to go and research the information i found at the Earth Gate. Brett... Go away. Far away.

<Julian docks with a TL, sorry, Planetary shuttle which has convieniently shown up now but is never accessible ever again. It takes him to the planet and the vast antigone library. Actually it consists of an entrance lobby and one small cubicle but go with us here ok?
12 seconds of analysis later>
Elana kho: Julian! anything to report?
Julian: Damnit! will you stop pestering me every 5 minutes!
Elana kho: very well.
<6 minutes later>
Elana kho: Julian good to speak to you after so long! anything to report?
Julian: <sigh>. Yes. The reason you can't find the 'I AM Glummer' is due to a either a bug in MS Access 3500, a clerical error caused by the 20 year strike of the Argon civil service, or more likely because the Groaners are incompetant. THe ship isn't called the 'I AM Glummer'. It's registered as the 'U R Dumber'
Elana kho: Incredible! That is truely fascinating!
Julian: Actually it's amazingly boring.
Elana kho: To think all this time it was right under our noses.
Julian: You mean you know where it is?
Elana kho: Nope, not a clue.
Julian: Then what the hell are you talking about?
Elana kho: I don't know. Try chatting to an information broker by the name of Ferd Harding. he'll be able to help.

<Later in a dark and seedy bar. Actually it could just as easily be someones basement. Or possibly both... Maybe neither... Where was i? Ah yes, Julian enters the room. Whatever it is>

Julian: You Harding?
Ferd Harding: Yeah. you must be Brennans long lost kid. Well one of 'em anyway.
Julian: I have siblings?
Ferd Harding: 87 at the last count
Julian: Huh! well Damn Banna did say dad slept around.
Ferd Harding: Yes. Now i gather you need some info
Julian: Indeed. First and foremost the most important thing i need to know is.... What kind of name is Ferd?
Ferd Harding: My parents couldn't spell Fred.
Julian: Oh. Tough break.
Ferd Harding: I learned to live with it. ANything else you need to know.?
Julian: Don't think so.
Ferd Harding: Ok then. Guess i'll see you around.
Julian: Yeah. bye now.

<Half way back to his ship julian suddenly has a thought. He turns round and heads back to the basement/ bar/ warehouse thing>

Julian: Just remembered. Do you have any information on the whereabouts of a derelict ship, registered under the name 'U R Dumber'
Ferd Harding: Yeah. It's in the 'Nyanas Hideout' system
Julian: How do you know that?
Ferd Harding: It's my business to know
Julian: you know the location of every single shipwreck in the galaxy?
Ferd Harding: No. Only the ones in the plot. Actually that's the only peice of information about anything i have at all.
Julian: oh. So where in the system is it?
Ferd Harding: I don't know
Julian: I thought it was your business to know?
Ferd Harding: Don't be so literal!
Julian: ...
Ferd Harding: TO find it you'll need to indulge the developers in a stalling tactic designed to draw the rather meager plot out to a longer length then it normally would be. Specifically you need to go to Paranid space and find a Paranid called Mandy Cosak and buy a OSPD off him. That will enable you to find the shipwreck you want.
Julian: OSPD?
Ferd Harding: 'One Shot plot device'
Julian: Ah.
Ferd Harding: Well that's all i know. If you'll excuse me i'm off to audition for a role in Freelancer 2.
Julian: Good luck!


(By Nyax)
Part 4

<On route to Paranid Space>

Elana Kho: Julian!
Julian: Gah! Will you leave me alone!
Elana Kho: I hear you're on your way to Paranid space. That's a long long way away so if you dock at Terriblecorp we'll fit you with a jumpdrive to get you there a bit quicker.
Julian: A long way away? By the time i get to Terriblecorp i'll only be 3 jumps from Paranid space.
Elana Kho: Damnit! You're not supposed to know that
Julian: Furthermore if i didn't know that, i.e. if i hadn't already been there, then i wouldn't be able to jump there with a jumpdrive, AND if i go via Terriblecorp it's a longer route.
Elana Kho: *sigh* Look, do you want a free jumpdrive or not?
Julian: Well why not?
Elana Kho: Good. I won't be here when you arrive..
Julian: That's a relief
Elana Kho:.. So contact Saya. she'll see to it that the drive get's fitted.

<And sure enough when Julian arrives at Terriblecorp>

Saya: Julian!, there you are sweetheart. I've been so worried about you.
Julian: Do you come on to every guy you meet?
Saya: Only those i care deeply about
Julian: And yet like Damn Banna and your mother i've barely known you long enough for you to be classed as an aquaintance.
Saya: Oh Julian you say the sweetest things
Julian: Oh brother... Look about this freebee jumpdrive?
Saya: Oh yes it's being fitted as we speak.
Julian: And they're doing that somewhere where you aren't?
Saya: Yes.
Julian: Good i'll go and watch.
Saya: No, you have to stay here with me! I'm the love interest!
Julian: In this case that's very much a contradiction in terms.

<Once the Drive is fitted Julian heads for the priest rings system. Despite his best efforts Saya follows him, but fortunately he manges to outrun her.>

Brett: Ah Jules there you are.
Julian: Yeah. Ummm you've got a new ship.
Brett: Yeah nice isn't it?
Julian: That's a fully equipped nova.
Brett: Yes.
Julian: So where did you get 2.5 million to buy and equip one.
Brett: ummm...
Julian: And if you've got that kind of money then why are you still pirating?
Brett: ummm...
Julian: Well whatever. What are you doing here?
Brett: I've come to help. Mandy Cosak lives on the trading port in this system but the Paranids won't let me land.
Julian: Well i always heard they were a sensible people
Brett: I hear they've got a bit of a pirate problem. Maybe if you shoot down a few then they'll let you land.
Julian: I take it you've forgotten that WE'RE pirates!
Brett: ummm...
Julian: And so you're advocating that i shoot down our Colleagues
Brett: ummm...
Julian: Including you
Brett: errr...
Julian: You know what? Forget it I'll go find some of those Khaak types.

<He does. and kills several. The Paranid let him land.>

Mandy Cosak: You weak pathetic fool. How dare you come here.
Julain: You're not related to a Boron called Mii-Tonn are you by any chance?
Mandy Cosak: You dare to insult me by comparing me to the sea dwelling filth?
Julian: Yup.
Mandy Cosak: Pathetic insect. Only one so hopelessly inferior as a human meat sack would have the inate stupidity to admit to such a thing.
Julian: Got up on the wrong side of bed this morning did we 'Mandy'?
Mandy Cosak: Once agin you demonstrate your staggering lack of intelliegence as well a...
Julian: Whatever. look i'm here to make a business deal
Mandy Cosak: Deals are not made with vermin...
Julian: I wonder if Damn Banna would let me borrow the Argon one...
Mandy Cosak: ...Such things are beneath the paranid master race.
Julian: And the amazing thing? I'd still rather be talking to you then any of the main characters
Mandy Cosak: Your presence contaminates my very essence like a depraved sickness.
Julian: I think i may have just found a use for those Hornet missiles i've been carting round.
Mandy Cosak: Leave my sight you vile scum.
Julian: Look i want a OSPD.
Mandy Cosak: Such things can never be defiled by the unclean. Well not unless they pay through the nose for it anyway.
Julian: How Much?
Mandy Cosak: 15,000 all in advance.
Julian: 15,000???!!! You could almost buy your own shp for that.
Mandy Cosak: But whos going to fly it? you?
Julian: You bet i could i'm not such a... Are we reading the wrong script here?
Mandy Cosak: oops. ermm ok let's improvise.
Julian: Ok. Here's my counter proposal. YOu give me the OSPD, or i blow this station up and scoop one up out of the debris.
Mandy Cosak: It will be respawned
Julian: But you won't be here to see it.
Mandy Cosak: Well geez all you had to do was ask nicely. No need to resort to threats.

<Outside the station>

Brett: Good work getting the OSPD Jules. Look who arrived while you were docked.
Saya: Julian, i was so afraid i'd lost you.
JUlian: I KNEW i should have got a move on.
Brett: Hey listen Saya, if Julian isn't interested, i'm free, available and easy.
Julian: A total pushover in fact
Brett: HEY!
Saya: Sorry Brett but i'm a one guy gal.
Julian: and i'm a one gal Guy. And once i find that Gal you'll be the first to know.
Brett: Well we'd better get headed for Nyanas Hideout
Saya: Yes. It's a good thing i came, there's a xenon sector between here and there.
Brett: Are you Mad? We're not taking the 'Summer Rose' route!
Saya: C'mon where's your spirit of adventure? Besides this route is quicker so we stand a better chance of beating the Teladi there. I'm going that way.
Julian: In that case since you put it like that... I'll take the long way.

<They split up and take the two different routes. Shortly thereafter>

Damn Banna: Julian, your favourite friend Damn Banna here. Just wanted to suggest that you use this time to build up a trading empire and get a solid base of credits before progressing to the 'I AM GLUMMER'. I've already told Saya and Brett that you'll be a little late.
Julian: You think NOW would be a good time to spend weeks trading and building stations?
Damn Banna: I do my friend
Julian: Even though we're in a race with the Teladi to see who can find the ship first?
Damn Banna: I'm sure you have plenty of time
Julian: They have a head start over us.
Damn Banna: Well it's just a suggestion.
Julian: I take it then that this ship, this major and yet very poorly explained plot element, isn't very important.
Damn Banna: No it's VITAL that we secure it.
Julain: Why?
Damn Banna: Because it's vital.
Julian: So why are you giving me suggestions that flat out contradict that?
Damn Banna: Actually because i read ahead on the script and so i know that if you're still flying that M5 i gave you at the start of the game then you're going to die horribly in this next mission.
Julain: I'm not.
Damn Banna: Oh. In that case forget what i just said.
Julian: Gladly.


(By Priest Emperor)
Part 5... Julian decides to follow Saya.

Saya: oh julian im ever so glad you decided to go with me on the Summer Rose route.
Julian: well i figure the sooner i get this mission over with the sooner i wont have to see you.
Saya: Ooh your so sweet julian. dont hesitate to equip your ship or trade along the way!
Julian: oh i wont... hey this is Lucky Planets isnt it?
Saya: yes... why do you ask?
Julian: well i was told this is a good place to build a Solar Power Plant!
Saya: but we have to get to Nyanas Hideout.
Julian: why? its just another scripted event.
Saya: Oh your soo smart Julian.

*orders and places the SPP*

Julian: alright based on my calculations of the horrible state of the economy, by the time we get back from this mission i will have over 10 billion bucks. lets get a move on.

*approaching East Gate in Eleventy Billion*

Saya: careful julian, thats almost certain death in there! make sure you keep up your speed!
Julian: why, the Ks can go faster than both of us anyways.
Saya: yeah but im part of this plot, i cant be killed.
Julian: of course...




{By Nyax}
{<Saya and Julian enter xenon sector 324 of 4. Tertiary adjunct of unamatrix 8279>

Saya: Ok let's be on our guard this could be rough.
Julian: In which case why don't we just use the jumpdrives we both own to bypass it?
Saya: Too easy.
Xenon: Welcome to MS Xenon sector 324 of 4. Where would you like to go today?
Julian: erm... Nylanas hideout.
Xenon: Warning! MS Xenon 3000 has suffered a critical error. Response: 'Nylanas hideout' caused a general protection fault in module 'Polite conversation' at address 565AF655FF7
Saya: uh...
Xenon: Variable friend= null. exiting function.
Julian: wha....
Xenon: if friend= 1 then Politeconversation else goHostile
Saya: They're attacking!
Julian: Suddenly the whole xenon problem has come into focus.

<Several Pitched dogfights, assorted rammings and various random equipment losses later Saya and julian arrive at Nylanas hideout>}

*entering Scale Plate Green*

Saya: well that was the funnest thing ive ever done, dont you agree my love?
Julian: for the last time, i am not your girlfriend!
Saya: thats not what mom said.
Julian: Who cares we need to finish this horribly plotted mission!

Bent: Ohhhhh.. dudess!! your finally here! And my favorrrite standard uniformm tooo.
Saya: having fun with the space weed bent?
Bent: oh yeah, got my hands on some Argon Wiskey... it took you guys ages.
Saya: well Julian had to spend a month setting up a SPP.
Julian: for the last time this is all scripted it doesnt matter!
Saya: Im going to go to HQ because appearently i cant contact them by mail like Ban Danna can with you.
Julian: thank god.
Bent: well now that im magically cured from my drunkeness lets get that Teladi...
Teladi: Hissss sssstupid argon... nothing here.... hissss
Bent: then why am i getting a reading from the I AM GLUMMER?
Teladi: hisss you hasss faulty equipment! hisss
Bent: move over pal the ship is ours.
Teladi: Hiss ship minessss
Bent: Oh no the Krack have arrived! looks like were going to have to help that teladi in fighting them!
Teladi: Hisss even i am not sssstupid enough to fight... hissss... i runsss to my ssship nowsss
Bent: c'mon jules lets go fight those Krack!
Julian: uhh how is it that your now magically 40km away from me?
Bent: and you said i was on space weed....
Julian: ah nevermind lets kill these.

*defeats the Krack*

Bent: damn! that teladi has stolen the I AM GLUMMER. Those shields are too strong jules, im going to go in there the old fashion way and steal that ship! cover me.
Julian: how come i cant fly?
Bent: because this is a poorly plotted story.

*bla bla bla gets the ship blabla Saya comes back*

Saya: Hey Julian honey! i talked to my mom and shes sending in a Mammoth as soon as possible!
Julian: why doesnt Argon One come to get it?
Saya: because we need the most vulnerable transport possible to carry it!
Julian: of course...
Saya: Oh no im getting a large Krack signature! Julian i cant call off the transport now!
Julian: why it only takes 10 seconds to get back to Home of Light and tell them whats going on
Saya: No. No i cant do that! we have to fight!

Saya: good job julian we defeated the cluster!
Elena: Hello julian! so nice to see you! im sorry i couldnt make it back there at HQ
Julian: no its alright, it was enough Hell just to have Saya there.
Saya: isnt he sweet mom?
Elena: oh yes i adore him.
Bent: Uhh hate to ruin your reunion but our teladi friend is back! but dont worry, i crashed the I AM GLUMMER back into that asteroid it was on and am now im my Nova.
Teladi: Hisss... All yoursss bassessss are belongsss to usssss
Saya: Julian we have to fight off the Teladi and his friends!
Teladi: Hisss... youss cannotss beats the aewsomess power of our Buzzardsss.
Elena: were under attack! so i will of course, not move my ship and keep it in the middle of harm.
Julian: great idea

*1 minute later*

Julian: well that was easy.
Elena: alright, back on course.
Saya: Oh no another Cluster!
Elena: all right stopping engines

Elena: all right, good job guys, we have secured the I AM GLUMMER. Oh and Julian, i have a special suprise for you, my future son-in-law.

(By Nyax)
<Nylanas hideout Version 1>

Julian: OK No time for Chatter, let's find that Wreck. Got it. To the sector North. Near those asteroids.
Brett: Well well look who's there.
Teladi: Go Awaysssss isssss mine.
Julian: No it's not.
Teladi: Yessssss it isssssss.
Saya: We can't let you take it. Maybe some agreement can be reached?
Teladi: Thissssss operation issssssss very expensssssive. Will want lotssssss of casssssh.
Julian: Hang on a minute, I spy a plot hole.
Brett: What ANOTHER one?
Julian: Yeah. It's an Argon space ship in Argon Space, and we're acting on behalf of the Argon government. Why therefore Is there any question of him being able to take it? Why was he even let in this sector in the first place? Why didn't Damn Banna simply contact the local police and have them secure the wreck until we came to collect it?
Saya: Well because of the errr free salvage laws. yes that's it.
Julain: What free salvage laws?
Saya: The ones that came into effect... 12 seconds ago.
Brett: Any law against shooting down Teladi ships in Argon space?
Saya: Well, Bizaarly no there aren't. At least no Argon laws anyway.
Brett: So i could blow up thousands of trade ships in Argon space, become a mass murderer and provided they weren't Argon ships i was destroying the Argon government wouldn't bat an eyelid.
Saya: Yeah that's about the size of it.
Brett: That's rather self absorbed and insular isn't it?
Saya: I'd say so.
Brett: Maybe this explains why there have been so many wars betwen the races.
Saya: Maybe.
Brett: Hey Where's Jules?
Saya: I think he went off to blow up the teladi ships.


(By Nyax)
<Nylanas hideout Version 2>

Brett: Hello Saya, flirt, flirt, flirt
Saya: Hello Bret, reject, reject, poor putdown, reject
Brett: Ok let's see if we can find the IAM Glummer
Saya: Scanning...
Julian: How are you doing that? i'm the one with the OSPD
Brett: Got it! Over by the asteroids
Julian: How did...
Saya: There are ships out there already. Including a TL.
Brett: well look who it is
Teladi: GO awaysssss you're to latessssss. Itsssss all minessssss. I like esssesssssss
Saya: Teladi ships are moving to support the TL
Brett: You two deal with them i'll annoy our friendly local teladi.
Julian: won't destroying these guys make a mess of my race ranking?
Saya: Yes but do it anyway.

<A pitched battle erupts. The teladi fighters are shot down. The Teladis big surprise turns out to be a pair of laser towers with the tracking ability of a confused mole. Brett sabotages the TL and flys off with the IAM Glummer>
Brett: Yeah! I'm the man.
Teladi: I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids.
Saya: i've sent a signal to my mother. shes coming...
Julain: Oh damn
Saya: ...with a ship to collect the IAM Glummer
Julain: I've a better idea. Let's all leave now. The Glummer will be worth a fortune on the open market.
Elana kho: Hello everyone here i am.
Julian: Darn.
Saya: hello mother i... Oh no! We've got Khaak ships on an intercept.
Elana Kho: we'll never survive their attack! Saya, Julian try to hold them off!
Julian: You're flying a TL class ship. They generally have enough shilding to take weapons fire from a khaak cluster indefintely and not even scratch the hull.
Elana kho: Normally yes, but this TL is special.
Julian: Oh brother.

<The cluster is taken out.>
Elana Kho: oh no here comes another set
<The cluster is taken out.>
Elana Kho: oh no here comes another set
<The cluster is taken out.>
Elana Kho: oh no here comes another set
<The cluster is taken out.>
Elana Kho: oh no here comes...
Julian: STOP! that's quite enough shouldn't you be going?
Elana Kho: i have to wait for the glummer to dock
Brett: I Docked 2 clusters ago!
Elana kho: Oh. Ok then. Well done everyone. Especially you Julian. I have a surprise waitig for you.
Julain: Oh what?
Elana Kho: ok people let's move out. Julian, Brett i'll be in touch.
Julian: That's OK no need to call. Ever. and did you even hear my question?
<They leave>
Julian: hmmm annoying AND Deaf. So now what?
Brett: I heard about a couple of guys who made a SERIOUS profit in the black hole sun system not far from here. Whataya say jules shall we go make a mint?
Julian: Good idea. You go make your small trading profit and I'll go see how many millions my vast network of solar power plants and factories have made.
Brett: *%^%D^%%£%%!

(By Nyax)
Part: ummm whatever. i dunno i lost count. Anyway the Ore Belt bit-

<Some time and the random donation (or not) of a wheat farm later Julian arrives at the Argon one to discuss things with Damn Banna>

Damn Banna: Our analysis of the I AM GLUMMER has revealed some fascinating information. We now know; what happened to your father, Who the khaak are, why they attacked, what they want, who shot JFK, how to cure the common cold, the location of the lost city of Atlantis, what both the Yeti and loch ness monster actually are and the name of the idiot who thought that Zuran time was a good idea.
Julian: Anything about Earth?
Damn Banna: Earth?
Julian: Yes you know, the only thing we were actually supposed to learn from the ship?
Damn Banna: ummm no nothing about that.
Julian: OK so where's my Dad
Damn Banna: The Khaak kidnaped him.
Julian: Oh. Guess that means i inherit Terriblecorp then. Damn!
Damn Banna: It seems that the Khaak are a Fishlike race. They call themselves the Con Malamari and may have mistaken us for allies of an evil organisation called 'the galactic Umpire' which they are at war with. This Galactic Umpire is building a giant super weapon called the Death nova, a giant space station powerful enough to destroy an enitre planet.
Julian: I think you may have got some records a little mixed up there. Although reading ahead in the script, maybe not quite as much as you might think.
Damn Banna: Oh well in that case we don't have a clue who they are or what they want.
Julian: So the whole Iam Glummer plotline was pretty much pointless then?
Damn Banna: That's about the size of it yes.
Julian: Well i'm bored. I think i'll go and kill some khaak
Damn Banna: Good idea my friend, and i think i have an opportunity for you to do just that.
Julian: Oh?
Damn Banna: A friend of mine, Mik BalsaWood is in charge of the the Argon collosus stationed in the 'Ore belt' system...
Julian: Is that the one that never attacks anything?
Damn Banna: Right as ever pal. That's the one. Mik is something of a pasifist. Or maybe its cowardice. He could of course be just plain inept. Anyway he's been detecting steadily increasing numbers of Khaak entering the system. It may be a build up to another 'presidents end' type attack, and since Mik never ever attacks anyth... erm that is can't take his ship into the asteroid fields without suffering critical damage then we need someone else to check it out
Julian: Well why not?
Damn Banna: and you'll be able to call in at Terriblecorp HQ on the way and see Saya and Elana
Julian: OK well there's ONE reason why not.

<Ore belt. Julian flys up to and hails the Argon collosus. A very nervous looking captain appears on screen>
Mik Balsawood: Ahhhh! who... who.... whooos that? Please don't hurt me.
Julian: I'm julian. Julian Brennan. Apparently. I'm a pirate
Mik Balsawood: Errr.... take everything and anyone you want just don't hurt me
Julian: Very generous of you but not this time. Damn Banna sent me to kill the khaak in this system
Mik Balsawood: oh thank you. thank you so much they're really really scary.
Julian: uh huh. BOO!
Mik Balsawood: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Julian: Did you know there's a pirate base in the sector?
Mik Balsawood: <look of horror on his face> Oh god, please no... I've gotta get out of here
Julian: hmmm good idea. Maybe you'll get reassigned to black hole sun. Right next to a xenon stronghold
<Mik Balsa faints with a thump on the floor. His first officer appears onscreen>
Julian: That was fun.
First officer: Erm yes. As you can see i'm afraid my captain is a bit ummmm... nervous.
Julian: How did he ever become a starship captain if he runs away from trouble?
First officer: Do i have to answer that? It means looking at records.
Julian: Well i guess not. OK then what about the khaak, do you have any info that might help me with them?
First officer: dunno. Maybe.
Julian: Well can you find out?
First officer: What more work? i've had to move like twice today already.
Julian: A cowardly captian and a terminally lazy first officer. Now i know why this ship never goes anywhere.
First officer: yeah. oh and the engines are dead. In a couple of months i may get round to ask engineering to look at that. Look if you're going to kill the khaak, my sensor officer mumbled something about their being a secret base in the asteroids. Or maybe it was a soothing paste for his Haemeroids...

Anyway, we'd send ships to scan them but... that'd just take forever and who can be bothered?
Julian: Apparently i have to. But i guess if i'm hiding in the asteroid field then certain other members of the cast won't be able to find me...
First officer: Fine. Don't do anything without checking with us first though.
Julian: Why not?
First officer: The mission needs stringing out as long as possible.

<Julian scans an asteroid, the results don't tell him anything. He goes to the nearest equipment dock, buys a mineral scanner, comes back and tries again>
Julian: Hmm nothing on this one
<Julian scans an asteroid, There's nothing unusual about it>
Julian: Hmm nothing on this one then.
<Julian scans an asteroid, There's nothing unusual about it>
Julian: Hmm nothing on this one then. oh oh here come some khaak!
<Repeat ad infinitum>



<Three days Later>
<Julian scans an asteroid, There's nothing unusual about it>
Julian: Hmm nothing on this one then. oh oh here come some khaak!
<Julian scans an asteroid, There's SOMETHING unusual about it>
Julian: Hmm Well i'd better go report back to the Collosus.

<A fairly long and tedious, khaak interupted, flight later>
Mik Balsawood: A Khaak base? h..h...here? <*Thump*>
First officer: *Sigh* A Khaak base? Wow. We don't need to do anything about it do we?
Julian: Well that depends. Do you want everything in this sector destroyed?
First officer: Honestly?
Julian: Never mind i'll go blow it up myself.
<He attempts to do this. He fails. Eventually The player finds out he needs either mobile mining system?????? (WHY?????) or a Hornet missile. He goes and buys one. Eventually making it back to discover that dispite the inordinate amount of time this mission has taken so far, the Khaak still havn't wiped the sector out. He fires the missile at the Khaak base asteroid, (which was built by an unknown alien race less then 100KM from the nearest station, in a heavily populated sector, and noone noticed) Destroying it>
Julian: Hmm some alien debris has been left over. How sompletely unexpected. I'd never have thought that blowing up an alien base would leave bits of it left floating in space. I'll scoop some of it up. I may be able to fence it somewhere down the line...


(By Tyepo)
<Back in Argon Prime>
Damn Bana - Good to see you again my lifelong best buddy! I hear that things went well in Ore Belt!

Julian - and my reward would be.........

Damn Bana - Who needs rewards when you have the opportunity to continue this wonderfully scripted plot!

Julian - What about the several hundred thousand credits I just spent in repairs.........

Damn Bana - ummm

Julian - Never mind! lets just get this plot over with shall we?

Damn Bana - Right um, we need you to scout a khaak sector for the black box of your father's ship...

Julian - Where by chance did you get coordinates to a khaak sector?

Damn Bana - never mind that

Julian - And this black box is supposed to tell us what exactly?.....

Damn Bana - what happened to your father

Julian - Let me get this straight....You want me to jump into a khaak sector full of who knows what, to grab a black box that basically tells us what we already know?!?

Damn Bana - Exactly but dont worry we dont want anything to happen to you so were gonna make sure you are equipped to survive.

Julian - Your giving me a psg equipped Odyssius?, a superfast Dragon?

Damn Bana - Actually I want you to meet with Saya Kho and discuss the requisition of a nice Hydra!

Julian - Youve got to be kidding.

Damn Bana - Just meet with Saya at some Boron sector (honestly I dont remember which) and she will update you further.

Julian - Can I just use my ship?

Damn Bana - No

Julian - @#$%, ok im on my way.

<At the Boron Sector>

Saya - There you are sweetheart Ive been waiting for Jaruzas for you to get here! Oh please dont go through with this mission! Id worry sick about you!

Julian - Oh ok, bye!

Saya - Wait darling! I have to finish my plot driven speech!

Julian - Fine...can I seta through it?

Saya - nope, youll be happy to know we have a nice hydra for you yet theres a slight problem.

Julian - Good this means I can just use my ship then?

Saya - No you still have to use the Hydra, and to boot the ship is owned by Mi Ton

Julian - I cant believe this is happening to me. You AND Mi Ton! Its like mission 2 all over again! Im still trying to recover from that.... So pretty much I have to pursuade Mi Ton to lend me a ship that I dont even want?

Saya - Yep, and its gonna cost you. He wants 150,000 creds to let you use his ship.

Julian - Your part of a big billion credit corporation and you want me to pay for the ship?!? Why oh why didnt you shove him out of the airlock!

Saya - But then you wouldnt have such colorful characters to go through the plot with!

Julian - And thats a bad thing? Fine Ill just give him the money....Anything to keep from tacking another conversation.

<Jumps into the khaak sector with the Hydra, and gets blown up, reloads and upgrades the speed of the Hydra. Jumps back in and gets the black box and returns it to Saya>

Saya - You made it back!!! I was so worried!!! Ive downoaded the information on the black box......

Julian - but I never gave it to you.....

Saya - transporters, gotta love em, anyhow you have to see this! downloading to your ships computer.

Julian - Ooookkk theyre trying to capture him by cutting his ship open... Wouldnt the decompression kill him?!

Saya <shrugs>

Damn Bana <over the com> Weve Just received word that a fleet of khaak ships just entered Omicron Lyre, you, Brett, and Saya are to rendevoux the fleet at the west gate.

Saya - Ok jumping now, see you there Julian!

Julian - huh, what......hey wait up! Cant I get jump coordinates? <Saya and Brett jump out leaving Julian all alone, he looks at his map and cannot seem to find Omicron Lyre anywhere. After searching for ages he finally finds the sector and enters the west gate.>

Brett - Hey hey, glad you can make it Jules!

Julian - you mean the battles just started?, what have you guys been doing for the past 3 hours?!?

Brett - we were....err...um.......

Julian - Why do I even bother!

<Julian looks around at the argon capital ships in the area....>

Julian - <to Damn Bana over the com> And you need my help?!?

Damn Bana - Of course, we need you, Brett, and Saya to charge those really big and scary ships over there, get in specific positions right next to the hull of the really really big one in the center while trying to avoid those laser beams firing from the smaller capital ships. We will try and keep the khaak off you while you do this, although we are very lousy at this and you will have to kill most on your own.

Julian - And I thought this was going to be hard........
<after a rather lengthy trip to the formation of capital ships filled with countless battles with khaak fighters, Julian, Saya, and Brett start to get into position.

Saya - Ive taken some damage but I think Ill make it.....

Julian - You didnt take any damage.

Saya - Shut up your spoiling the tension!

<Everyone gets into position around the really really big and scary khaak ship>

Damn Bana - By gosh I think its working! Just a little long....Weve almost got him......damn, they got him back! Oh no, the ship is firing!!!

<the M0 fires and misses the planet, Julians jaw drops>

Julian - howd....?!? it was right in front of it!!! How on earth could they have missed?? For such a superior race, they sure are lousy shots. What were we worried about again?

Damn Bana - well we had to have some way of dragging this mission out more.

Julian - what a supprise..... ok what absurdly dangerous task must I do now?

Damn Bana - All these little targets around the ship are interfering with the signal and must be destroyed!

Julian - Great, and would I be given any sort of cover fire while I do this?

Damn Bana - What!? and get black marks all over my shiny Argon One! I think ill just stand out here and watch.

<Julian starts trying to hit the little blue spots on the side of the hull cursing himself at having not brought a psg. In the meantime Khaak start popping up near him at an alarming rate, and several reloads later the targets are destroyed.>

Damn Bana - Ok time to get back in your spots to try this again.

Saya - Ive taken heavy damage, but I think I can still make it.

Julian - What damage! Ive been doing all the fighting.

<The three of them manage to get back into position>

Damn Bana - Ok almost got him, its working!......No somethings wrong!

Julian - Not again!!!

Brett - wait that thing down there is glowing, it might be interfering with the signal too. I think ill go and run my ship into it turning myself into a hero.

Julian - Arnt you supposed to stay there so the transport can work? Oh so I guess all this crap of getting into "position" was a waste of time?

Brett - yep, ok im off to kill myself <he actually does this>

Julian - <starts to give Brett the idea of possibly using a missile or something, but then realizes the opportunity to get rid of one annoying character at least> Ok cya Brett

Saya - nooooooooo!

Damn Bana - I think that did it! Ive got Kyle!

Julian - about time!

Saya - Oh no! the ship is imploding on itself...I cant seem to get away!!!

Julian - How you managed to critically damage your ship without being in a fight is beyond me.

<the M0 explodes>

Damn Bana - I managed to save Saya and shes going to be ok, your father on the other hand isnt looking good. Hes in some sort of coma.

Julian - Sooo youll be calling me back when hes better? I really could use a loan after all the money I spent trying to save his butt.

Damn Bana - Nope, this is the end of the plot. But you should be happy in the knowledge that hes safe and sound.

Julian - Soooo I save the universe and I dont get any money?

Damn Bana - sorry, but your on your own now, thanks for working for us. Bye!!!

Julian - nuts to it <immediately afterward, he gets a message from the computer saying that one of his ships is under attack> ???

[mippy]

not even 1 "thank you Mippy, it's much easier to read now"? and after all the hard work I put into copy and pasteing it to Word, and making sure the each Author was credited for the parts they wrote. I feel so used

[Logaan]

thank you mippy

Nah its good, nice big read

[Nyax]

It's like the 'Collectors DVD' version of the story

[RustiSwordz]

Quality stuff, nice job mippy and good read Nyax Bloody funny.

[mippy]

YAY! now I feel loved.

[Witchking]

Yippee for Mippy

[Howlingmad]

Well done Mippy.

Thank You for your efforts.

[XU Vagabond]

It's like the 'Collectors DVD' version of the story

yeah with out the hefty price tag. mippy good work

[(/\)arped]

I've read it all before, but had to read it again.

Cheers Mippy!

[mippy]

It's like the 'Collectors DVD' version of the story

yeah with out the hefty price tag. mippy good work

damn your right I forgot the price tag.

[Howlingmad]

It's like the 'Collectors DVD' version of the story

yeah with out the hefty price tag. mippy good work

damn your right I forgot the price tag.

(Think Simpsons) Ha Ha!

[simonnance]

thanks mippy! looks much better compiled into a single post!

[Tyepo]

Thanks mippy! deffinately easier to read now

[Dougie]

This is good. I hope egosoft spend more time on the plot while doing the addon.

[vader146]

I'm lovin' it

[Dragon_Rider]

That was great!!!

[Urashima Keitaro]

Hilarious Mips, and Typo. Bloody brilliant. So comically true too.

[The Zig]

Good work!
Funny all through, and a big @ all the annoying game bits pointed out here, like the cowardly M1 in Ore Belt, the annoyingly chummy characters, and the terrible frame rates in the intro!
Similarly, I do hope they'll make the plot a bit more... coherent next time.

[Legion400]

You people do realise you just resurected a thread a year old?


*hears CBJ come running to lock this thread in 3 secounds of me typing this*





Nah , this is so bloody funny