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Learning short story.
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clakclak





Joined: 13 Jul 2008
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Location: "I am right here where I am sitting [...]. I am not anywhere else."
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PostPosted: Fri, 17. Apr 15, 14:58    Post subject: Learning short story. Reply with quote Print

Hi altogether.

As you may see on the left, right below my profile picture, I am not from a english speaking country. But I really like the language and always try to get better. I also like to write and I thought that combining these two will probably help me to improve my english. So I wrote my first (very small) english short story. It is nothing new or original, just a few lines to help me get into writting in (or "on"? I never know it) a different language. Maybe you still like it.

If you find any mistakes, no matter how minor, I want to encourage you to point them out. Otherwise I can't learn. This also goes for words that do not fit the context or any other problems you might see.


Thank you in advance. Smile


















Just cells



He gazed upwards into to the stars, like he had done many times when he still was a child.

Seeing the billions of bright lights in the middle of the otherwise vast nothingness left him feeling unimportently small.

Who are we? Just a lump of organic cells. So small and insignificant when compared to a star or even a planet and yet so devastating for every other organic beeing. It was quite paradox. On a large scale humans had no power, but on the smaller levels of existence they had the potential to destroy life without even aiming for it.

Even something as simple as him laying here in the grass would probably mean the death for a few smaller creatures who got crushed by his weight. It was inevitable and yet it made him feel uncomfortable.

The imagination of death made him think about his own life. He never really had the chance to life a „normal“ live. All had been planned for him, right from the start. As a child he often felt like invisible hands where pushing and pulling him in a certain direction. Today he knew that these where the hands of the people who made him. He was their creations. But did this give them the right to do whatever they wanted? Why wasn't he allowed to decide for himself? He often found himself aksing these question, when he laid down at night, unable to sleep. These questions where also the reason why he did become a stargazer in the first place. The stars didn't answer his questions, but they made it easy for him to accept his fate.

A breeze gently grazed his skin. The sensation send a shiver down his spine. He enjoyd the moment. In the next few months it would become to cold and a small layer of ice and snow would cover the area he now occupied. He would not be here to see the snow this year. Today he would be gone. Off to a distant place nobody had seen in a long time.

What would it be like? Looking foreward he did not feel fear, it was more a curious urge to explore the unexplored. Now that he thought about it, it might be more of a compulsion than just an urge. He feeled like he had to go there. Like it was his duty. So after all they did suceed with their manipulation.

He turned his head to the right side and in the distance he saw it. A big white rocket. It showed the full potential of their society. All the technical innovations and a lot of blood, sweat and treas had gone into building it. It was huge. In it where tousends of humans. Sleeping a dreamless cryosleep. Their lives lay in his hands. If he should fail on his mission, than they would never awake again. But all of them where volunteers, all of them where ready to pay the price and all of them trusted him. He would not let them down. That he had sworn himself. No matter what it may cost, he would make sure that they would reach their destination and fullfill their dream. After he was the only one who was not in cryosleep, he would be the only one aging and by the time they reached their goal he would be to weak to survive living on a planet with strong gravity anymore. He would orbite it on his own until the day he died. It didn't matter. He had know it all along and after all he was just a lump of organic cells.



Last edited by clakclak on Sat, 18. Apr 15, 20:07; edited 1 time in total
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Sabrina Bergin





Joined: 12 Apr 2008
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PostPosted: Sat, 18. Apr 15, 06:38    Post subject: Reply with quote Print

Clakclak:

The ideas are all there but as you suggested might be the case, there are some spelling errors. Many of these could be corrected if you use a spell checker.

Phrase like the "Imagination of death", I would have written "The thought of death (or of his own mortality) might have fitted in better.

As a written piece however I like it you conveyed the idea and intentions of the character well.

Well done.

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clakclak





Joined: 13 Jul 2008
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Location: "I am right here where I am sitting [...]. I am not anywhere else."
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PostPosted: Sat, 18. Apr 15, 13:41    Post subject: Reply with quote Print

Thanks shaun.

From now on I will use spell check. Yesterday morning I simply forgot to change open office from german spell check to english. Shocked

One of my goals is also to read more english literature, so I get more used to common english phrasing.

I really appreciate your help!

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Sabrina Bergin





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PostPosted: Sat, 18. Apr 15, 17:18    Post subject: Reply with quote Print

Clakclak:

No Problem, your English is quite good, certainly better than my German. The thing to be careful of is your phrasing, for example 'when he layed down at night'....This we would write 'When he laid down at night'.

Unfortunately spell checker won't catch this unless it see's a conflict in the syntax. Now I am not really the one to advise you on English grammar as my own use of it is quite poor. I am willing to give what help I can however, so if you do get stuck just ask and I will respond.

PS: If you plan on writing a story for this forum I would be doing you a disservice if I did not suggest you read a story by one of the following authors on this site:

Scion Drakhar, Zaitsev, Triaxx2, or Kaistern. to name a just a few. they will show how the language is best used for this purpose far better than I can.

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clakclak





Joined: 13 Jul 2008
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Location: "I am right here where I am sitting [...]. I am not anywhere else."
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PostPosted: Sat, 18. Apr 15, 19:04    Post subject: Reply with quote Print

Again thanks. Smile

I am not really sure if I want to write a longer story any time soon, but I will take a look at stories by the people you named.

For now my plan is to write some short stories (maybe not as short as the first one) to just get a feeling for the language.

If I should run into problems along the way, than I will gladly take your offer and ask you for help.

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Sabrina Bergin





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PostPosted: Sat, 18. Apr 15, 21:24    Post subject: Reply with quote Print

Clakclak:

I had some very good advice from an author on this forum. Just write what's in you, look at it refine it then post it. I will be looking forward to seeing you post a story, short or long. I mean you have the idea's I can see that..... so don't be selfish, share them, on this site we all love a story.

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