This is just a small little thing I was toying with the other day. I've never seen a story about the Marines, the Groundpounders, the Jarheads. So heres a little thing I wrote up may continue. Reviews are appreciated since this my first fic. Also for this fic a minor war has started amongst the 5 main races,but the Teladi are neutral. For now.
1800 hours, Thursday 21 February 768, Argon Colossus 5831 “Saratoga”
“Drop is at 0500 we should be hitting the surface at 0600. Intel says the LZ is gonna be hot and nasty like those whores back on Prime. So make sure your gear is good to go. I advise a respray of your camo, last thing we need is a sniper getting a easy target. We are expecting three companies and they're low on spirits, so it should be a milk run compared to last week. Dismissed.” said the Colonel as the briefing ended and the viewscreen behind him turned off as the lights above came alive. Reminding the members of fireteam bravo of their midnight rescue the week before, when a evac transport had finally found a gap in the AA and managed to airlift them back to the Saratoga.
“I'm not the only who just had a flashback from last week right?” asked Corporal Perez.
“No you're not, but you're the only who watches tranny porn” replied Sergeant Gardan.
“I told you that in confidence Derek!” replied Perez cheeks flushing a shade of red Derek didn't know existed. All the while Privates Merker and Sharg tried to hold in their laughter, failing in that when they heard Perez trying to deny it.
“So the Split can fire a 800 rounds at you in an hour,and you deal with it fine. But you can't take a little embarassment? What the hell kinda Marine are you?” asked Derek.
“The skinny and mean breed. What breed are you?” asked Perez wholeheartedly thinking his Sergeant was being serious with his questions.
“Shut up, and go get your gear checked and prepped.” Lashing out at the Corporal in his drill sergeant voice. “What are you two waiting for a kick in the ass? Get moving.” yelled Derek at the two privates after Perez had left.
The Jarheads
Moderators: TheElf, Moderators for English X Forum
-
hns194
- Posts: 83
- Joined: Sun, 7. Feb 10, 06:54
The Jarheads
Last edited by hns194 on Mon, 8. Mar 10, 04:08, edited 4 times in total.
-
TheJakal
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Wed, 26. Nov 08, 23:34
Little short but a good start. I did however see some bits that could be improved.
'said the Colonel as the briefing ended and the viewscreen behind him turned off and the lights above came alive'
would probably read better as:
'said the Colonel as the briefing ended and the viewscreen behind him turned off AS the lights above came alive'
Also the speech is a bit hard to follow. Usually in books when a new person talks a new line is started kind of like this:
“I'm not the only who just had a flashback from last week right?” asked Corporal Perez. “No you're not, but you're the only who watches tranny porn” replied Sergeant Gardan. “I told you that in confidence Derek!” replied Perez cheeks flushing a
would be easier to read as this:
“I'm not the only who just had a flashback from last week right?” asked Corporal Perez.
“No you're not, but you're the only who watches tranny porn” replied Sergeant Gardan.
“I told you that in confidence Derek!” replied Perez cheeks flushing a
Also one last thing use comma's to break up long sentences such as the one about the airlift. I think a comma would fit nicely in after the 'week before' bit.
Sorry if this seemed a little bit nit picky. The actual fiction is there and you set the scene well its just some of the grammar and structuring that needs a little work.
Cheers
TheJakal
'said the Colonel as the briefing ended and the viewscreen behind him turned off and the lights above came alive'
would probably read better as:
'said the Colonel as the briefing ended and the viewscreen behind him turned off AS the lights above came alive'
Also the speech is a bit hard to follow. Usually in books when a new person talks a new line is started kind of like this:
“I'm not the only who just had a flashback from last week right?” asked Corporal Perez. “No you're not, but you're the only who watches tranny porn” replied Sergeant Gardan. “I told you that in confidence Derek!” replied Perez cheeks flushing a
would be easier to read as this:
“I'm not the only who just had a flashback from last week right?” asked Corporal Perez.
“No you're not, but you're the only who watches tranny porn” replied Sergeant Gardan.
“I told you that in confidence Derek!” replied Perez cheeks flushing a
Also one last thing use comma's to break up long sentences such as the one about the airlift. I think a comma would fit nicely in after the 'week before' bit.
Sorry if this seemed a little bit nit picky. The actual fiction is there and you set the scene well its just some of the grammar and structuring that needs a little work.
Cheers
TheJakal
-
hns194
- Posts: 83
- Joined: Sun, 7. Feb 10, 06:54
-
hns194
- Posts: 83
- Joined: Sun, 7. Feb 10, 06:54
*UPDATE*
0430 Hours Friday 22 February 768,Argon Colossus 5831 “Saratoga”
“Good news boys” boomed the lieutenant's voice, “today instead of riding into battle in thinly armored POS expresses, we will be using old model centaurs (x2 style) that have been refitted into our new dropships.”
That statement earned several whoops of joy from men, who for the most part no longer had to worry about buying the farm on the way down.
“'Bout frickin' time they got us decent transports” grumbled Perez.
“Stow your bit**ing Marine we have a job to do, so listen up” said Derek after receiving a look from the squad leader.
The lieutenant carried on with the briefing. The overall task of the mission was to secure a landing zone for a mammoth lander. Which was carrying our vehicles and supplies for the estimated three month campaign on the surface. Air support would be provided by the 3rd Marine Air Wing based on the Colossus Argonia.
Mammoth Lander: http://argonopedia.ppcis.org/ship.php?s ... 5dc7085776
Colossus and any other ship is X3 model, unless I say so. Sorry if this is a little AU to the storyline, but some models just look more better/practical than others.
0430 Hours Friday 22 February 768,Argon Colossus 5831 “Saratoga”
“Good news boys” boomed the lieutenant's voice, “today instead of riding into battle in thinly armored POS expresses, we will be using old model centaurs (x2 style) that have been refitted into our new dropships.”
That statement earned several whoops of joy from men, who for the most part no longer had to worry about buying the farm on the way down.
“'Bout frickin' time they got us decent transports” grumbled Perez.
“Stow your bit**ing Marine we have a job to do, so listen up” said Derek after receiving a look from the squad leader.
The lieutenant carried on with the briefing. The overall task of the mission was to secure a landing zone for a mammoth lander. Which was carrying our vehicles and supplies for the estimated three month campaign on the surface. Air support would be provided by the 3rd Marine Air Wing based on the Colossus Argonia.
Mammoth Lander: http://argonopedia.ppcis.org/ship.php?s ... 5dc7085776
Colossus and any other ship is X3 model, unless I say so. Sorry if this is a little AU to the storyline, but some models just look more better/practical than others.
Last edited by hns194 on Sun, 7. Mar 10, 18:36, edited 1 time in total.
-
hns194
- Posts: 83
- Joined: Sun, 7. Feb 10, 06:54
-
TheJakal
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Wed, 26. Nov 08, 23:34
.
-
hns194
- Posts: 83
- Joined: Sun, 7. Feb 10, 06:54
-
hns194
- Posts: 83
- Joined: Sun, 7. Feb 10, 06:54
*UPDATE*
0500 Hours 22 February 768, (Retrofitted) Argon Centaur Delta-Sierra 219
Zero hour,the calm before the storm. “Some calm this is this is” Derek thought to himself as the Centaur was buffeted by turbulence or AA, he couldn't tell which.
“Some ride eh sarge?” said a corporal riding next to Derek. The room got quiet as the rest of the transport heard what the corporal said.
“Where the hell did we get this guy from?” piped up Perez in somewhat irritated voice.
“What'd I say” curiously asked the corporal. His name-tag read Niedermeyer
“You said sarge idiot” replied Perez. Mentally preparing himself to explain yet again the do's and don'ts to a new recruit.
“What's wrong with saying sarge? We always referred to sergeants like that in the army.” Piped up Niedermeyer. Wondering just what kind of crazy outfit he'd gotten himself transferred to.
“Son of a b**ch, an army transfer, no wonder he doesn't understand what the f*ck he's saying. Let me guess you were a supply clerk back on Prime weren't you?” said Perez, getting pissed at the very thought of some army POG pulling a guts & glory act planetside.
“Yea I was, but what does that have to do with me saying sarge?” replied Niedermeyer getting even more confused.
“If you haven't noticed Niedermeyer, we're Marines, not army POGs. So let me break it down for you. Us Marines see saying sarge as a half-a**ed way of saying Sergeant. And if you haven't noticed we Marines don't do anything half-a**ed like you army types. YOU! don't deserve to hit the beach with us.” Said Derek emphasizing the word Marine at every chance. “In fact I would rather have one fellow Marine by my side today than a whole battalion of you army twa*s.” Said Derek his face less than an inch away from Niedermeyer's.
*To whom it may concern I want you to know I have the utmost respect for all the armed forces. I just happen to like the Marines better due to family ties.*
*You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth- and the amusing thing about it is that they are.
Father Kevin Keaney
1st Marine Division Chaplain
Korean War *
*I think that explains this update*
0500 Hours 22 February 768, (Retrofitted) Argon Centaur Delta-Sierra 219
Zero hour,the calm before the storm. “Some calm this is this is” Derek thought to himself as the Centaur was buffeted by turbulence or AA, he couldn't tell which.
“Some ride eh sarge?” said a corporal riding next to Derek. The room got quiet as the rest of the transport heard what the corporal said.
“Where the hell did we get this guy from?” piped up Perez in somewhat irritated voice.
“What'd I say” curiously asked the corporal. His name-tag read Niedermeyer
“You said sarge idiot” replied Perez. Mentally preparing himself to explain yet again the do's and don'ts to a new recruit.
“What's wrong with saying sarge? We always referred to sergeants like that in the army.” Piped up Niedermeyer. Wondering just what kind of crazy outfit he'd gotten himself transferred to.
“Son of a b**ch, an army transfer, no wonder he doesn't understand what the f*ck he's saying. Let me guess you were a supply clerk back on Prime weren't you?” said Perez, getting pissed at the very thought of some army POG pulling a guts & glory act planetside.
“Yea I was, but what does that have to do with me saying sarge?” replied Niedermeyer getting even more confused.
“If you haven't noticed Niedermeyer, we're Marines, not army POGs. So let me break it down for you. Us Marines see saying sarge as a half-a**ed way of saying Sergeant. And if you haven't noticed we Marines don't do anything half-a**ed like you army types. YOU! don't deserve to hit the beach with us.” Said Derek emphasizing the word Marine at every chance. “In fact I would rather have one fellow Marine by my side today than a whole battalion of you army twa*s.” Said Derek his face less than an inch away from Niedermeyer's.
*To whom it may concern I want you to know I have the utmost respect for all the armed forces. I just happen to like the Marines better due to family ties.*
*You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth- and the amusing thing about it is that they are.
Father Kevin Keaney
1st Marine Division Chaplain
Korean War *
*I think that explains this update*
Last edited by hns194 on Sun, 14. Mar 10, 05:08, edited 1 time in total.
-
X1000
- Posts: 896
- Joined: Mon, 22. Jun 09, 16:59