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[The Zig]

Join the Han - a Pirate Communique
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Pirate Communique: RBSS-I/CPPArc#247-5.3.765

This is a Pirate Communique intercepted by the Royal Boron Secret Services, working in collaboration with the Argon Secret Service in Black Hole Sun. You may find the contents of this message shocking and offensive, and reader discretion is advised. It is reproduced exactly and entirely in order to show the chilling mentality of the pirate scourge our police work hard to protect us from.

I have added footnotes where necessary to assist the reader.

Fu Jila
Senior International Affairs Correspondent for the Boron Kingdom News Network


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Join the Han[1]


Punching, shoving, shouting. It’s always the same. More a riot than a crowd.
Turning on the mic right by the speaker gives a nice feedback squeal.

“Virgins?” I ask. “Fresh, young Cherries for plucking? Or pros? Sexy. Athletic. Sure. Tricks to keep a big ol’ smile on your face for the rest of the wozura?”
I survey the instant silence.
“Or both.” I say. That gets them thinking. “Both at once?”
A field of staring faces. For a moment, I know what it feels like to be an Emperor.
“That’d be my choice,” I say, letting lust, open lechery seep into my voice. “Every time.”

Open strong. That’s the trick. Get them hanging on your every word from the first moment. Get that right and you got the luxury of their attention. Now you got time to paint a picture.

“These are the first questions you gotta ask yourself as a Pirate,” I say. “If I were you I’d be thinking about it now. If you like your women petite and curvy, there’s nowhere better than Ore Belt. Elena’s Fortune. Lots of planet women around there. First job in space. Easy prey for a dashing young Pirate. You’re dangerous, dark, sexy. Yes, they’re interested. Man, are they interested! And planet-girls, they ain’t shy ’bout showin it. And they’re not like spacers, these planet girls. Guess it’s the gravity or something. They’re strong. Muscular. Brutal almost. With them in your bunk it can be almost like fighting! Covered in scratches. I’ve even got scars! You’ll never be bored with a planet girl in your bunk.”
Let them digest that for a moment.

“Of course, sometimes you fancy the taller, finer, slender mate. Something a bit more delicate. Sensitive. For that, Mines of Fortune’s damn good. Girls that are born in ultra low-grav places like mines – well, they’re a different species again. They’re amazing to see, these long, slender, floating creatures.”
At this point I speak almost reverently, awe in my voice.
“They’re supple, gentle. Utterly insatiable. You know, I think being born in space gives a girl the devil’s own craving for the love of Man! Ha! They ain’t for the faint-hearted though, I tell you that for free. And mines are boring, dirty, hellish places. Only men they’ll ever’ve seen are those dirty, stunted little miner fellas. And those sweaty, little traders – target practice as we call em. A strapping young Pirate, someone with a Mamba, some swagger and a little spunk, you’ll be an instant celebrity throughout the sector. Ah, life’s good as a pirate. Sure, the fathers and husbands, they’ll scream kidnap, but the lucky lady? ... Ladies? They’ll thank you for taking them outta that hell-hole. I mean, they’ll really thank you...” At this point I chuckle knowingly, and with a wicked smile, I add. “They’ll thank you.”

Here, I trail off, smiling. Looking like I lost my train of thought, caught up in memories. And these young rogues, they stare up at me like I’m some kind of god. Wait with it. Soon someone’ll call out something lewd. That’s the prompt to grin, and say:
“Problem is, they get tiring! These women! They’re great for a wozura or two, but...” More cheers, and shouts. “After a while you want rid. Right? And that’s the best part of Pirate life. They’re totally disposable. You just ditch them at a station, go some place else. I’ve done it more times than I remember. A nice way to do it is take em to the bar, buy them some drinks, and when they go to the restroom... bye. Leave em somewhere nice, a trading station. Maybe a bit of lose change. A few hundred credits to be getting on with. You’ve done em a favour, right? Nice guy!”

I hesitate a moment now, but just for a moment. Just long enough for the crowd to feel unsatisfied at this conclusion. It’s an anticlimax, right? It’s just nice. So then I smile sheepishly.
“Me? I prefer to sell em off at a pirate base, keep those drinks for myself!”

Say this right and you’ll get riot of cheers. It’s a good idea to let the crowd blow off some steam here. It’s hard for young men to stay quiet this long; shouldn’t expect them to. Finally, key into the new mood with something like.
“Course, if disposable’s your want, and you’re not the type who sits up at night pondering the rights of man,” I say. “You shouldn’t overlook slave running. It’s decent business. Lots of credits. Many a Pirate made a good fortune through it. Just hit up a pirate auction somewhere, bid on anything you like the look of. And run em to one of the Bases over near Split space. There’s always a market there, you can’t help make a profit. And who’s goin care if you’ve played around a little with the merchandise. Hell, it’s your property, right? Do what you want! Just try not to do anything to... uh, lose it’s value, eh? It’s an easy way to sample some of the other species too, if that’s your fancy.”

At this the crowd will go very quiet. They’ll be young guys. All swagger, no experience. Other species might even be taboo to them, but they’ll be curious all the same.

“Course, Split are the only ones I’d give time of day,” I say, all benevolent wisdom. “Stunning beasts. Paranid and Boron are just incompatible with us, far as I can see. You’d need better imagination than I got. Teladi are possible. Maybe. If you don’t mind something green and scaly, that slimes.” Here, I do a stage-shudder. “Not my scene. Like I say, Split are the only ones I’d consider. And make damn sure they’re tame first. And ‘tame’ here is a relative term. Personally, I’d go for an Argon any day. However, young folk’ll be adventurous, and... you should try everything once, I say.

“Course, if you’re really looking for adventure there’s only one place. Yeah. That’s right. I’m sure there ain’t a man here who ain’t heard of the Pleasure Complex. Senator’s Badlands.”
Of course, there’ll be plenty who haven’t heard of it, but none who’ll admit it now.

“Maybe you heard first-hand from a customer,” I ask. “A satisfied customer, right?! And no doubt you’ve read the jealous rants of some eunuch reporter or other. Newscasts about this ‘notorious abomination’. It’s all true, I’m happy to say. Course, whatever you heard, you only heard half the story. The decent, more socially acceptable half at that. The rest, well, it stays within those walls. You have to go see. The motto of the place is just: anything goes. Anything.”

Now, be careful here. The real power is in what you don’t say. Just set up the frame, and let each man paint in his own most depraved little fantasy. What you don’t say now is more powerful than anything you can say. Hint and implication. Give your crowd time too. Let them mull it over a little, share looks, feed ideas off each other. Build up a sweaty frenzy.

Last I drop, this:
“Of course, as one of the older Pirate clans[2], we got pretty good ties with the Yaki[3]. Which sounds like politics, right? But the long and short of it is: cut-price rates at the Pleasure Complex for members of our clan. Real cut. In fact,” and I grin here. “You can’t raise to Commander in our ranks, until you’ve spent at least two solid days in there,” I grin. “Superficially, this is for security. If you’ve spent two days in there, you’re not a police mole. No way. But the real reason? Till you’ve been in there, you’re not considered man enough! You’re still just a little boy! Right? So whaddaya say!?”

This piques them. They run and sign up like obedient little slaves, hooting all the way. Can’t hand over their 5,000 credit joining fee fast enough.

Given the current losses, this is all necessity. The new members that is. The money’s good, but it’s the numbers that keeps us competitive as one of the real fierce clans. And most of what I tell them is true. The pirate’s life is the one. Ain’t a Pirate I know who ain’t got a thousand stories to tell. Not one. Not a real one, anyway – maybe some of the pen-pushers at Ol’ Annie[4].
So who cares if those Yaki dogs shoot us on site? That nine out of ten recruits’ll be dust long before they even see Senator’s Badlands. I won’t lose sleep.[5]

The smart ones – and there’ll be some in every batch – they’ll build themselves a fortune before they go anywhere that dumb. They’ll go with friends. They’ll be more than ready to wipe out any Yaki scum between them and the Pleasure Dome. They’ll be our future leaders. And they’ll think back to what I said, and just smile to themselves and understand.
The dumb ones? Well, they won’t be a problem. They’ll be dead about the same time as they figure out we screwed em. No big loss, eh? And if they got some skill they’ll even space some Yaki dogs for us on their way out. And it’s the constant losses from defending their space against our horny young Hans that keeps the Yaki weak. Keeps them from being able to threaten us. Scum still ain’t figured how we sustain such high losses and still keep coming. So like I say, I ain’t losing sleep for a few young punks with more lust than sense. We’re getting em off the streets! This is why recruitment is the backbone of our clan. For us, get the speech right and it’s win-win.

Better than that!
It’s new money, new blood, and new cannon-fodder.
It’s Win Win Win!


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Footnotes:

1) “Han” – ‘The Han Dynasty’ are a Pirate Clan. They are believed to have formed less than forty jazuras ago, through the unification of several gangs of Argon slavers, mercenaries and black-market traders. They are one of the most ruthless and amoral pirate clans, most famous for slaving, kidnap, and hosting the notorious ‘Battle Royale’ televised slave death-matches.

2) “as one of the older Pirate clans” – Oddly, the ‘Han’ often refer to themselves as an ancient Pirate clan. However, there is no record of them before 729. This makes them considerably younger than most Pirate Clans, a few of which pre-date Argon history (eg. The First House). It is possible they formed around an older pirate clan.

3) “Yaki” – The Yaki are a Pirate Clan who have shot to notoriety in the last few years as a result of impressive organisation and ambitious leadership. They are de-facto rulers of Ockracoke’s Storm and Senator’s Badlands. They too are considered ruthless and amoral. They are most famous for slaving, extortion, and their notorious ‘Pleasure Complex’.

4) Ol’ Annie – the Anarchy Port, Loomanckstrat’s Legacy. This is home to one of the oldest Pirate clans ‘The First House’ – presumably this is who is referred to by the term ‘pen-pushers’. The First House are known to be hostile to slasher/slaver clans such as the Han. Click here for further information.

5) “Yaki dogs shoot us on site” – Relations between the Yaki and the Han were initially positive, as they share a similar outlook. The Han supplied 90% of the slaves used in initially setting up the Pleasure Complex in Senator’s Badlands. However, their relationship soured considerably when the Yaki began to source their own slaves. From there, their relationship rapidly deteriorated until the Han began openly attacking inbound Yaki slave-carriers first in Bad Debt, and later, also, in Priest’s Pity. This effectively blockaded the only viable slave routes into the Complex. In retaliation, the Yaki attempted to destroy the Pirate bases in both sectors. They failed; the blockade continued. This eventually forced the shut-down of the Complex. The Yaki were later able to resume operations after stealing several jump-drives from the Paranid research station in Emperor’s Ridge, thus effectively side-stepping the blockade. The Yaki and Han remain in a state of open war.

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[Syndrome]

I hate pirates. They make me sick

Was that just an excirsise?

[The Zig]

Yeah, a bit of fun. An exercise in voice.
It's always fun to write as someone calculating, selfish and evil!

And the whole 'Pleasure Complex' hints at a sleazier side of X-life that is basically NEVER mentioned in the fan-fics. Yet I reckon it would figure pretty big in X-Universe life, especially with folk like Pirates. And I knew my Boron reporter would be just sickened by it all!

I did one of these before. It's sooo nice to write something SHORT that's finished in a day!


Yeah, that reminds me. I started a Short Story thread a while ago. Ah! >>Here it is!<< I'm sure there's a whole new generation of posters here since this last saw light of day. Syndrome, you should participate! As should anyone who's stuck in some huge bigger story. You've no idea how refreshing it is to write something you finish quickly!