The Council Wars Book I: Styanar

[Gavrushka]

‘Styanar’, the word sat comfortably on Ed’s tongue.

He remembered her remarkable eyes so clearly, the gentle laughter too; it seemed inconceivable he had just imagined her.

And equally inconceivable that he hadn’t.

His mind was numb to the enormity of last night’s events and revisiting them simply caused him confusion. The last few weeks had been hard to deal with, perhaps impossible, and he’d found solace in an imaginary world created by a mind unhinged by stress.

Three months ago, his wife had told him to leave. There had been no warning, or perhaps he had just been too busy to see one. He had arrived home from work, late one Friday night, and she’d been stood there on the doorstep, her mother at her side.

Lisa had calmly explained how she’d moved all his possessions to their holiday home, a few miles out of town and that he should see a solicitor as she was divorcing him on the grounds of ‘irreconcilable differences.’ He’d remembered apologising to her, for whatever he had done, getting back in his truck and driving off. He had seen her twice since, at work, to sign documents she’d thrust in front of him.

He’d always thought Lisa had been out of his league. She was pretty, educated and, well, he was just an electrician made good who’d inherited a thriving business from his parents. Oh, he knew he was a reasonable catch; he was good looking, with a great sense of humour, and very mild mannered but he had to admit his best feature was his wealth, courtesy of Sykes Electrical Services.

And now he was in danger of losing that too.

He sat with his back to a tree absently rolling an acorn between thumb and forefinger, his eyes focussed on the log cabin that had been his home for the last few months. He really was in an unsalvageable position; Sykes Electrical Services would close by the end of the year. [End of Section]

The toil of three generations had seen the business grow from his Grandfather’s garage with his office in his basement, into a small shop, and then fifteen years ago expanding into a respectable sized warehouse now employing thirty people.




© Copyright 2011 G.J.Rutherford All rights reserved.

[greypanther]

Can I ask you please Morkonen, what qualifies you to critique others writing? Are you a published author? Editor? what other than a doctor?

<niggle,niggle,niggle>

Or are you just an inteligent, avid reader?

[Morkonan]

[Gavrushka]

What I can add, greypanther, is that I feel I've learnt a lot. (I just had to check whether it was learnt/learned LOL)

I was naive to think that telling a story was enough at first. Then, after a few comments from people, I posted here and those comments were confirmed.

Now, I'm a better writer than I was a few days ago.

The one thing with using a reader group, which I do, is they will concentrate on the story and pick up on much of ther grammar. However there is an extra technical level, beyond that, which is equally important...- A reader group AUTO trust that a writer knows what he is doing, and won't drop out early on in the story - BUT strangers will... - And now I understand why...

I sent Styanar to my nephew, and asked him to 'bit the bullet' and keep reading, which he did - BUT he had been so nonplussed by Ed, he'd not have done that otherwise... - Now he will...

The other technical issue I relied on was telling a reader what was happening 'telling them' someone was happy or sad rather than communicating it with words. - On the fly example:

"I think you should leave," Jeff said angrily. (TELL)

Jeff moved towards the chair, his knuckles whitening as they grasped the back. Slowly he lifted his head towards Steve eyes finding his friend.

He never spoke.

Steve flinched and took a step backwards. "I'll go," he said. (SHOW)



Oh, you know what I meant! - Yes, I know it could be ambiguous as to who never spoke, but the context should answer that...

[greypanther]

I apologise if I caused you any offence Morkonan, if any taken, it was certainly unintentional. I think my reading your posts is coloured by that little niggle I have; I really must pin it down.
You are certainly not the person I thought you may have been; they would have responded very differently to my trollish prodding! Again I apologise.

You are correct Gavrushka, further as it is your work that is getting the critique, your opinion is the only one that matters. I guess that I am used to some very negative comments on other sites when it comes to others creative works. I assumed the worst and butted in where my comments were un-needed.

I apologise to you too and promise to read an entire thread, attempt to understand the context, before I comment again.

Something else has occured to me about myself and who I am. This forum just never ceases to be useful.

Anyway, good luck with your work, I hope you get the story to where you need it to go.

[Morkonan]

[Gavrushka]

I can confidently say that the journey through the two threads I started on here has had a profound effect on me, and a pronounced effect on the way I write. It started as deeply painful, felt extremely personal and took time to sink in, which I knew it would and for the very reasons I’ve already related.

It will take years before I can gain the experience required to fully comprehend and implement that which I have learned here. Learning, after all, must start with an acceptance of ignorance which was, erm, something I was ignorant of for far too long...

I look forward to those years, and the rewards they may bring.

[blazermick]

There are quite a few stories here that aren't anywhere near as polished as what you guys are trying to achieve.

However they are still excellent reads.

There is a story here by paranoid that is very long, highly detailed and its so hard to stay reading that myself and a few others simply stopped, but he is an excellent story teller, just too much detail in my opinion.

But its only MY OPINION.. i would suggest actually writing the story then worrying about the first chapter as the amount of effort spent over 1 chapter will mean a story unfinished once again.

Hey.,.. i could be wrong and this could be a masterpiece. But there are plenty of examples here on the forums.

Both Stynar and the other story are excellent, along with doghouse's first chapter. Im not an editor, but i am a reader and purchaser of books, and i personally believe that the editors role is to polish, the writer is to create.

So, guys, please simply create because i would love to get past the first chapter. I am already hooked enough to be checking these stories multiple times daily.

It is my opinion only. I am not a writer, editor or anything other than a reader. And opinions are like a/holes. Every one has one (Hope its ok to say that mr. administrator)

[doghouse]

You raise some great valid points blaze.

As a reader, your opinion does matter. Readers are the market. I consider myself a reader first, a writer second.

Saying readers matter is true, for various reasons; but also, any opinions given shouldn't offend the author.

We all have different preferences what makes a good read.

Even on a forum, formatting matters. Style, too. I'm a reader that likes detail and description, and I'm one that's not a huge fan of endless dialogue.

You're also right, the story should just get written; keep writing! Then worry about polish/editing. As a note, I am building the story and such. I may have spent too much time on the 'opening', but the piece is a feeler for readers - a means for feedback.

I have my eye on a couple of pieces to read on here (inc. Paranoids', and the one in this thread), but sadly, time matters.

Soz Gav. I have not read this one, yet!

And thanks for the comment blaze.