Corrected the motionless double..
Nope the first "as the wall collapsed" is correct however the second "as" is a typo.Morphit wrote:Mercenary wrote:The Devastator swung around and fired a series of concussion rounds as the wall behind as it gave way and the Sentinel now only a few metres away returned fire.
Its a bit mixed up here. I assume you meant ..rounds at the wall.. but it sounds a little rushed to me. Why is the Devastator firing at a collapsing wall? A few commas will help but it needs a bit of clarification of what is happening.
I did toy with the idea of ending the chapter at the point where Tor was rendered unconcious . It would have shortened the section a reasonable amount but I may do that in the master copy. In which case there's potential to slot in a few paragraphs as to the "mopping up" process prior to the arrival of the Vallient.Morphit wrote: Other than that it was a good conclusion to the chapter. I think it ended a bit to quickly. Tor jumped from the butt of an attackers rifle to a bed on the ship, could have done with a break, e.g cutting to the scene in the office then coming back to Tor on the med ship. And overall I think it needed to be spread a bit thiner, even shifting the office scene into the next chapter. Personally I'd like to have more detail to the stories. but of course every one else is welcome to post their opinions.
(like, me being too critical here or I should save it for when I write something this good)
Any comments (providing they are constructive) are welcome.
Appreciated feedback.
I hope Tor can find some way to pay him back for all of this!
